Leaving without a good reason

[toysamwe]

Been with my husband nearly 5 years married for 18 months, we have two dd together and I have a dd and ds from a previous relationship. Things haven't been good for a while for me but he is happy to go on as we are and doesn't see that anything is wrong. The last week I have tried to tell him how unhappy I am but he doesn't want us to end and just keeps saying we can be happy bit won't actually talk anything through.
He doesn't show any emotion or affection except when I told him I wanted us to end and thats the first time in 5 years he has shown any feelings. The thing is I don't feel like I have a good enough reason to end things and I and up feeling guilty and sad for him that I feel like this.
He hasn't got a good relationship with my oldest two children and it shows more the older the two children get that are his and the way he treats them differently. His lack of emotion is a big one for me and he has never once comforted me when iv been upset or crying he just ignores me till it's over.
He sits upstairs on his PlayStation or watching porn a lot of the time leaving me to sort the kids and house, this has improved the last week since I said it was over. He happily goes all week just having one shower at a push two and will leave the same boxers on for days on end, this puts me off being physical with him and I won't even kiss him as he can go months without brushing his teeth unless I nag him to.
He keeps saying that he wants to make us work but I don't think my heart is in it anymore but I feel so guilty and selfish for feeling like this. I'm so torn over what to do and I also don't want to give him false hope if we aren't going to work.
The more I think about it the more confused I get.

Since when has him not meeting your emotional needs, or the needs of your kids not been a good reason? Apart from those MAJOR issues, he sounds absolutely gross

Just because he’s happy and dismisses your unhappiness, doesn’t mean your unhappiness and the reasons for them isnt enough.

I Know deep down what the right thing is I just need to get over the guilt of doing it. I almost feel like he hasn't cheated so we're doing ok and that's how everyone around me sees it but I know that's not good enough

Unless he has had a recent personality change I am stunned that you've been with him 5 years, you married him & you have 2 children with him!
Have you always felt this way?!
(The teeth thing alone would be a deal breaker for me)

So...
He treats the children differently, which will ultimately cause bad feelings, bad self esteem and feelings of rejection in your children. Checked out of family life
Leaves you to do all the child rearing while he plays computer games
Doesn’t take care of his personal hygiene
Ignores you when you are upset (where it is to do with him or not)
Refuses to engage with you when you say you are unhappy

And you don’t have one reason to leave?

You have plenty of good reasons to leave. It doesn’t have to be violence or cheating to be valid.

Whatever his issues may be, the fact he won’t communicate with you about any of it means it’s doomed.

Do yourself and your older kids a favour and get rid of him.

Treating them differently while they’re all under one roof, the porn, the lack of help, the hygiene problems, he sounds beyond help tbh. Don’t feel bad for ending it.

His lack of personal hygiene would be a deal breaker just reading it made me feel unwell. Does he have deppression by any chance?
His treatment of you and your children that arent his would be another.
Of course people on the outside wont see ot as an issue because they arent their living it.
Staying with him just because of what other people would think is somewhat shortsighted

I'd say you have plenty of reasons to leave !

He doesn't show any emotion or affection
He hasn't got a good relationship with my oldest two children
he has never once comforted me when iv been upset
He sits upstairs on his PlayStation or watching porn
He happily goes all week just having one shower at a push two and will leave the same boxers on for days
he can go months without brushing his teeth.

What are his good points?
Unkind to your children, watches porn rather than engage, and is manky. The good points would need to be superlative!

Doesnt help with DC, emotionally cold, watching porn all night"......... lots of reasons there. 👍

All those things you list make up "unreasonable behaviour": grounds for divorce.

It's a bit of a horror that your social circle/you think you need more like a man has to cheat or beat the shit out of you for it to be a good enough reason to leave.

I think I just threw up in my mouth at the thought of this guy !

He sounds depressed to me. All these signs of shutting himself off on his own and not cleaning/looking after himself properly and being emotionally unattached all point towards depression. Lots of men are unable to talk about their feelings and spiral.

I would suggest he visits his GP xxx

I just want to add, you are doing the right thing leaving him. It’s not healthy for you and your children to be around this xx

How do I make him realise it's over when he won't accept it. I can't leave as there's nowhere with enough room for me and 4 children. I told him last week that it was over but he just said we need to try but I don't want to anymore

He sounds disgusting. Please be a broken record, we are over, you have to leave. Move into one of the kids rooms and start living a single life.Start the divorce process. At some point it will sink in with him.
.

Agree that there are plenty of good reasons to leave! Treating your older children differently (think how that will affect their self esteem), not supporting you when you’re upset, leaving you to do everything while he watches porn, not to mention the appalling personal hygiene. You don’t have to wait until someone cheats or beats you up to leave them.

Agree with Tatianna - file for divorce and he’ll soon get the message. And you shouldn’t leave as you’re the primary care-giver for 4 children. Make HIM leave.

I agree with others who have said that he has lots of signs of depression or other mental health problems. . . He should be seen by a GP... Mental health issues often manifest themselves by not taking care of one's self and isolating one's self

Of course he doesn't want to leave. He'd lose his cook, laundry woman, child care, and personal shopper in one go!

Stop doing ANY household chores for him right now. You don't cook for him, wash, iron, you don't even buy him food.

What is the housing situation - do you rent or own your house? Whose name is on the tenancy agreement /deeds?

I think you need to explain a bit more to us. Who owns the house etc? Ages of kids etc to get more practical advice.

You don't need his consent to see a solicitor or start the divorce ball rolling. What you have describing definitely is unreasonable behavior.

You've made your choice now just get on with it. Stop feeling guilty it's not a useful emotion.

I paste a variation of this fairly regularly:

Information is empowering.

If possible find some friends/contacts that divorced well. Ask them for lawyer recommendations.

Get appointments with recommended lawyers. 2 reasons for this. It's important to find a lawyer you can work with. I got lucky with no 4.

While waiting for appointments get all your and his financial information together:
Tax returns
Bank accounts
Salary slips
Savings accounts
Investments
Life insurance
Pensions
Mortgages
Debts
Assets
Get the house valued
This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive.

Divorce for unreasonable behavior as cited in your op.

50:50 childcare is normal but sounds unlikely. There are sites like entitledto that will tell you what you might be entitled to from the state. There are also maintenance calculators.

Write 2 lists in terms of kids, house, cars, maintenance etc:
What you'd like (copy to lawyer)
What you'd accept (private)

Normally I'd say Don't tell him what you are doing, but perhaps you should.

Omg. He does sound terrible. Please summon the strength to split from him. You will be so much better for it but it will take time

You don't need his permission to split. Get legal advice, start a divorce and live as though you're separated until you can get him out.