DH - lack of communication an zero empathy.

[Troubadore]

Bit of background - My DH isn't a bad person, but he does lack empathy and rarely, VERY rarely does he accept responsibility for any relationship problems. He always finds justification for things that he has done that upset me (says he is reacting to what I've said or done, so the problem has been caused by me) and if he does apologise (which hardly ever happens), it always comes with a "but" attached.

I'm not saying I'm perfect, I know I'm not, but I'm starting to feel sad more than I feel happy in the relationship.

He is also very poor at communication, when I pull him up on this he says that he would have told me eventually or he meant to tell me but he forgot.

We have been to see friends today, good friends of over 30 years ( we are all in our late 50's). The men went out hiking for the day, and while they were gone, my friend told me about a serious medical issue that her DH is being seen for in hospital tomorrow. My DH has had the same health problem and was eventually diagnosed with prostate cancer. This was treated successfully, and he is now recovered. The surgery he had carries the threat of lifelong complications for incontinence and erectile dysfunction, which thankfully have not been the case for my dh, but it is scary for both husband and wife having this hanging over you. My friends DH intended discussing this with my DH while they were out walking and he knew his wife was going to talk to me about it, partly because we are good friends, but hugely becayuse we have been though this ourselves.

We have just come home, it is a half hour drive and not once did my DH mention that his friend had spoken to him about the cancer threat. I deliberately did not bring it up myself as we had a row only yesterday about his lack of communication (he has booked himself a weekend away with another friend - no problem with him going at all, but a big problem finding out by chance when I his friend phoned and mentioned it to me during our conversation). I just asked my DH why he hadn't told me about our friends cancer threat and his response was to say "I don't pre-plan conversations, I'd have mentioned it when I got round to it". These are good friends of both of us, this is a big thing, not a nugget of gossip that may or may not be mentioned when it pops into his head.

His attitude made me very cross, he can't see why. Is it me? Do I expect too much?

In this instance perhaps yes as its not an easy topic to suddenly blurt out and is one men do tend to find hard to talk about!

He doesn't have to tell you all his conversations?

If someone told me that, it wouldn't occur to me to tell dh.

If a friend told me anything in confidence, I wouldn’t dream of telling a soul.

Do you honestly expect an update on all his conversations?

Firstly it was not told to him in confidence. Friends spoke to my DH, Friends wife spoke to me, both knew about the conversations and both wanted our insight into what could happen.

Secondly, mu hisband does not find this hard to talk about,

Thirdly I can only assume I have made a very bad job of outlining what is bothering me overall. This is NOT just about today.

This particular example is you being unreasonable and starting a random argument. It's completely different from your husband booking trips away and not telling you which is him being unreasonable.

Ignore the posts above, op.

I completely see what you mean. He sounds a bit like my stbxh! It's really hard to live with someone who doesn't communicate. I used to think it was connected to his need to always control everything around him.

If he’s always been like this, why in God’s name are you still expecting him to be different? This is who he is!

But that's the way he is. I understand how frustrating it is, but you've been with him many years

Why is it a particular issue now?

I'm starting to feel sad more than I feel happy in the relationship.

Op this is the crux of it.

He's always been like this and you've been ok with it so far but recently you've possibly started to outgrow this relationship. That's ok.

Fwiw I think what you describe is an unreasonable expectation of someone who has clearly never demonstrated the qualities you seem to want in a partner.

Don't put it on him - he is who he is. YOU need to take accountability for the fact that you're unhappy. Only you can control this situation. You may need to leave him. I suggest counselling so you can get clear on what you want and what you're prepared to sacrifice in order to pursue it x

Why is the op not allowed to say how difficult she finds her dh (as many, many posters do) without being criticised?

@Cambionome she did specifically ask whether she was expecting too much. So folk are giving their opinions.

Anyone is free to say whatever they like, but posters are going to respond from their own perspectives.

Yes I do think you expect too much from him. He's always been like this. He isn't going to change in his fifties is he?

It is reasonable to decide you don't want to live like this any longer. It is unreasonable to expect him to change personality to match your needs.

I can understand your frustration and unhappiness.As we age the need to connect can be stronger especially as we may no longer be dealing with young children.A good marruage is about meeting each others needs and he must know you would want to discuss your friends health.
Can he not communicate generally or does he choose not to communicate?

Have your dc moved out so your primary relationship is now your H? I can see how that dynamic would change your happiness.

I would find his responses robotic and cold and that may have got worse as he has aged.Do you think he is happy?

To me it doesn't feel much like a friendship, and it sounds as if you are lonely in your marriage.

he's hard work and a selfish Dick...

sorry you live with a man like this OP and I hope your friends Husband is okay long term