Flying Monkeys - need help, please.

[WantingMuchMore]

I don't want to go into too much detail as I am sure the narcissist in this scenario would LOVE to know how much this has hurt (and is quite possibly lurking somewhere here), however long story short I went totally NC about two years ago after decades of abuse. The relief was huge and immediate however, just recently I've been suffering a plague of flying monkeys on my house the most notable being my eldest child (who is a young adult).

My question for anyone who has been through this is how the hell do you deal with it?! The accepted wisdom is to remove the monkey from your life but there's no way I can do this. Its my child! On the other hand, listening to the words of the narcissist falling from my childs mouth, influencing their behaviour and actions is killing me. I can't share the full story with my child as they would go straight back to the narcissist and sadly, i would not be believed - plus is would just give them more ammunition. Please help, I'm in bits.

(I've been over on the Stately Homes thread and been here for an age, just name change a fair bit for privavcy from the aforementioned)

Thank you...

So sorry to read of this situation.

You need to block the narcissist's access in all ways to your eldest child; its not the child's fault because that person does not realise they are being manipulated. Tell your eldest the age appropriate truth re this relation in that not all people are nice and at all healthy to be at all around.

If you feel someone is influencing your child against you and the child is an adult, share the full story. If you say nothing there is no counterpoint, the young person will just hear a story and run with that. Your child is able to decide themselves, say something! but try and say it in even, non-inflammatory, non-emotional terms. Give no more information than is required. Stand up for yourself!!

Sorry but what does flying monkeys mean I'm confused - do you actually have monkeys in your house

I'm new to the NC situation as I'm only two months no contact with my father. This is partly why I do not want my DC to have contact with him either, as he won't think twice about turning them against me in the future, as he has always fully turned on the charm/love-bombing tactics with my kids.

In your scenario I think I would tell the young adult the full story in a calm factual way. Do you get along with your child otherwise?

You need to tell your dc that as much as you live to see and speak to them and they are always welcome, you are not prepared to discuss certain topics

Sorry this is a serious post but do you actually have monkeys in your house did make me spit my tea out

I have to admit to a chuckle at that too @DrMorbius

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful comments. I can't share the full story, I know it wouldnt be believed. Only two people have ever realised I am not making this up and one was my EXH who it took 15 years for him to stop and say, "Jesus, thats truly fucked up". My eldest, would simply report all back and be assurred their mother is "mental/crazy/liar/ungrateful/mentally unstable" etc etc.

We have a reasonably good relationship apart from this although they are becoming more critical the more time they spend with the narcissist.

Thanks again

If your DC is now an adult then they are old enough to be told the truth. Don't lay out specific scenarios but state "So-and-so has been very abusive to me over the years, both emotionally and/or physically. My life is better when she is not in it."

Is ExH their father? Could you both sit down with child and explain the situation? That way it's coming from two parents rather than one 'crazy mother'?

Personally I wouldn’t tell the story. I would simply say that you’ve chosen a dignified stance not to mud-sling and that the people who know you well enough will appreciate that your reasons, although private, must be pretty damn serious for you to have chosen the route you have. Therefore you ask that you are not continually put in a difficult position by reference to the NC person as it hurts you. Despite this, you understand other people will still want a relationship with the NC person but this should be kept to themselves.

Then any future mentions are then met with, I don’t want to hear it, please respect me. Repeat as infinitum.

Your child is an adult

Tell them and show them the truth. Recruit exh if you can.

Who cares if the truth gets BAck to the narc?

You owe them nothing!

I am also going through this but my ds is a couple of years younger than yours. The certainty of what my ds is told about me and his total acceptance of these lies is soul destroying. I genuinely do not know if our relationship will recover. I love him, but cannot trust him - he opens his mouth & his father (a total narc/sociopath) comes out.
I wish I had the answer.

I'd just say to your child that after years and years of abuse from him, you've chosen to break the bonds that tie so that you can live your life authentically.
Tell your child that you don't expect them to understand and that you have absolutely no expectation that they should take sides.
It is what it is and you trust them to respect your decision and to accept that this is your life, your choices, your decisions and that you have made this hard, difficult, painful decision to go non contact as an act of self preservation: because to continue with the relationship would ultimately, destroy you.
And refuse to engage further.

If you dont want to tell the story, and think that if you suggest the NC person did anything wrong, your DC will report back (and be told a bunch of lies, which might go against you)...then could you just say something quite neutral to preserve yourself.

E.g. "X and I are not in contact, its nothing personal but that is the decision, there are no sides to take, but I would appreciate if we kept chat about X to a minimum as I want to move past it". Something like that. It totally minimises their role in this, but for whatever reason this is what you seem to want (I think?).

My mum is NC with a relative, and this is the sort of explanation she would give to relatives who arent aware of the true reasons. The relative is deluded and would say it was all lies, plus it is painful to keep reliving it- so I understand not wanting to give full story, even if your DC wouldnt go back and tell the narc.

I say something like "You've not got the full story there. I'm not going to drag you into it though. Let's talk about something else." Then I change the subject. I repeat this like a broken record.

It works because it quietly highlights that the toxic one is trying to drag them into it. They realise quicker that they are being used. They realise you are not the user.