Living with a flirty spouse

[mm2one]

Hello, this is a bit of a continuation of my story of what started in Jan 2018. I can't tell if there is a way to lookup past posts, but I will summarize. I am DH 48 and my wife is 44. We have two DC and have been married for 17 years. I think I caught her having an EA and ever since then is has been a rough year so far. I am seeing a counsellor (its helping a bit) and am on sleeping pills to sleep.

Anyways, it looks like the EA (or whatever it is -- she still denies it's anything at all) is ongoing as I discovered something again from beginning of March from the same person after she assured me she does not see this person or text him. I didn't get into it too much or let it get out of hand or get into a big argument over it. I just clearly stated and explained to her how it made me feel , uncomfortable and insecure, and we left it at that. She didn't seem to acknowledge it any more than they way she did last time in Jan.

Anyways, I am posting here because I am suspecting what might be happening is the following.

For many years, I admit, I may not have been paying as much attention to her or focusing on my marriage as I am now. After this incident and the shock of it, it might have changed me a bit and I am focusing and on her and spending more of my time on my family and devoting my energy to trying to build a stronger marriage with her. Whatever I am doing isn't really making much difference and maybe I could be suffocating space her with my change of priorities.

I am starting to think, perhaps this was not an EA and that maybe this is just the way she is and the way she has always been, I just never noticed it until now and I got shocked by it. She is just naturally flirty and outgoing and gives out her number to men at work and has been having all sorts of texting and drinking at work for years -- its pert of her personality, I just never noticed or suspected because I was never jealous or suspicious in the past.

Is anyone else in a similar situation? How do you handle living with a spouse who is naturally flirty?

I am sort of at a bit of a cross roads now. I am sort of debating, if this continues to eat away at me and I continue to keep losing weight and sleep, I might try to pursue an amicable separation and give us some space to breathe. I admit, I am very concerned about losing my family and screwing up my kids with a divorce if it comes to that -- but I see no other option as I feel I am getting both mentally and physically unwell from this. I am fully preparing myself for what it will feel like to lose my wife and kids and the family members in our family at the moment. I will still have my kids and yes, I will miss everything about my wife and I will miss all the family members very much.

Any advice appreciated.

OP - the only thing I can tell from your post is that you are deeply unhappy and, possibly depreesed.
So, i’ll start by saying - sorry.
It’s a dark place to be when you can’t sleep and are feeling anxious.

I don’t know if your spouse had an EA, or is just a flirty person.
If the latter - but the reactionship you have otherwise is a close and happy one - then the issue is more on your side and counselling must help with self esteem and anxiety.

You don’t mention much about the state of your relationship, other than mention that you’ve been a bit neglectful before and now are more focussed on it.
Have you asked your W - how the relationship is working for her? Is she happy? What would she like to change - if she could?

Rather than mulling over what might or might not have happened - it might be better to take stock of where you are and see where you are going as a couple.

Hi, I was in this situation and it is possible to stay together but you need to get it sorted. I see you've been together a long time but it's never too late for change. I put up with it for about 4 years and then we had counselling. Your dw will have a reason for this behaviour (as did my dh) but it can be stopped. For us, it took a long time of counselling (about 3 years off and on) and a couple of times he slipped back again. But it was resolved in the end and we've now been married for 27 years. If ever we look back on it now dh feels embarrassed and sorry that he hurt me and nearly lost me but he's so happy that he changed, as am I. The flirting was so bad at the time our nephews used to call him a dirty old man! How embarrassing is that? HTH but please don't put up with it any longer unless dw admits there is a problem and agrees to counselling because it does cause depression and is demoralising. Anyway, thats my advice, good luck.

thank you for the reply flamer. 4 years is a very long time. i am just at 3 months and its eaten me alive. Did you ever get to the bottom of why your DH did what he did? was it midlife crisis or menopause?

It turned out to simply be insecurity and fear. Dh had relationships before but nothing serious. He didn't know how to handle it and also I needed to help him feel more secure. But we did it! He's a very chatty person with everyone but stopped the flirting altogether. I'm so glad I stuck it out, it was worth it Hope things work out for you.

If you feel like this early on in a relationship don't carry on. It will eat you up as a person and you won't know, who you are several years down the line! Be with someone who you can trust

Early on? Think you may have misread OP's post...