I am new to this site, and am desperate for some support. I have made some terrible decisions and am really paying for them now.
I had been in a loveless marriage with my husband for 3 years. Our problems started when my bff of 15 years suddenly passed away. I struggled to cope, which impacted on our relationship. We stayed together for our children (14, 12 & 8) and because neither of us had anywhere else to go. Anyway in August 2017 I decided to end the mattiage, but live together as friends - which became increasingly difficult as both his family, and my parents resented me ending the marriage and refused to have anything to do with me. I met a guy shortly afterwards who I fell madly in love with, maybe because he was the only person in my life that was being nice to me. I accidently fell pregnant within weeks of getting together. After the initial shock, we both decided that we wanted the baby. Obviously my living situation was hard, so I made the decision to move in with him. He lived over an hour away. This was a horrible time as my children decided to remain with their Dad as they didn't want to leave their friends etc... I made the decision to move in December (partially down to my parents who were making my life hard). However, before I moved, I had a scan, where it was found that I had had a missed miscarriage. I had an operation on 01/11/17. It was such a horrible time, we both wanted that baby so much, even though it was unplanned. I still made the move to live with him, and we decided to try for another baby, which seems mad as prior to this, O was adamant I didn't want anymore babies. He is financially very secure, and said he would fully support us. He seemed so excited. He already had a son from a previous relationship, whom he has 50% care of. I was really looking forward to being a huge family, and tried so hard. However, his ex was absolutely evil towards me and him (they seperated before his son was born) she poisoned the child against me, he used to spit, hit and kick me. She would write notebooks detailing conversations me and my partner had and said that when her son was there, mu partner was not to spend time with me. She was demanding he have his son when it wasn't his turn, knowing we had plans, but manipulating him by telling him he had to put his son first. It really started to take its toll on him. We argued so much because of how unreasonable she was being, but between the arguements we were madly in love. He went through mediation to try and get something in place, however, she was extremely unreasonable so nothing got resolved, so it means going to court,which he said he isn't strong enough for. The mediator even referred him for support following an emotionally abusive relationship - his ex is a counselling psychologist, an unethical one at that as the mind games and manipulation she used is an shocking abuse of power. He has been seeing a therapist for 5 years, who told him he was in an abusive relationship, though it seems like it is only just dawning on him. He has been gradually becoming more and more depressed. The dpctor put him on AD bit they seem to have made him worse.
Anyway, I found out in was pregnant in February. He was really happy at first amd said it was a new start. We looked at new houses etc... and it was going great. We argued a lot over his son, and I must admit, I said some pretty mean things, though I have always been really kind and caring with his son, and he even admits how good I am with him. I guess I just get so wound up and take it out on my partner. Since my partner has been depressed I feel like he takes me for granted. I spend hours driving so I can see my children (which he promised he would help me with if I moved to him, and he doesn't) then when I get back, I have to look after his son as he lies in bed sleeping or crying. I am not having a great pregnancy, I feel so sick and tired. After a huge arguement about Mothers Day (I had arranged to do something with him and my children, when his ex demanded he have his son. My children hate being around him as he is so spoilt and violent) he decided he no longer loves me, nor wants to be with me. I have put up with so much in these last few months, he has been so difficult to live with, but I have never given up on him. He told me that he doesn't want the baby anymore, and he can't cope with life. He told me he needed space, so I went to stay with my ex husband and children, for a few days. Though now my partner won't allow me to come back home. He says he needs time and space, and if I ask him what he plans to do about the baby and support, he cries and says he can't talk about it. I am in such a mess atm and know that I am not being fair to my ex. I am sleeping on his sofa, and I have nowhere else to go. My parents don't want anything to do with me, my brother has told me to have an abortion, but I really don't think I can - not after the grief I felt following the miscarriage. I just don't get how he can treat me like this. This is his baby that he wanted. I feel so sick and scared for the future. I am trying so hard to be positive and happy for my children, but my partner won't even answer my calls or message me. I had an early scan, and he wanted to see the pictures, he also says that when he gets his head around it, he thinks he wants access when it is born. During a crying spell, he did tell me that it was happening again (his ex finished with him when she found out she was pregnant) and it nearly broke him the last time and he can't do it again.
I just don't know what to do. Everywhere I look there are happily pregnant couples. I feel so alone, I don't have anyone to talk to. I can't even think about future scans and the birth.