1 year after affair. Still a mess.

[HermitCr4b]

To those of you that have been cheated on, do you ever get over it?
It's the anniversary of finding out that my ex was having an affair with an 18 year old. We broke up pretty much instantly although tried staying friends on and off and he's currently trying (and failing) to win me back. As soon as I found out something switched on in me, as if I was seeing myself properly for the first time and I didn't like it. I developed an eating disorder (I'm now very underweight), started spending money on cosmetic procedures and lost all confidence in every other non-superficial aspect of my life too. It's not going away, it's just getting worse to the point that I hate myself so much that I just feel upset and angry about being me constantly.

It doesn't matter how much people tell me it's all about him and it's not even about her either (She's not much of a catch to say the least). I can't imagine ever wanting to be in a relationship again when I can't even stand anyone looking at me.

Is this just how it's going to be forever now? I booked myself in for some therapy but I really don't see what they can say that will make me feel ok.

Has anyone got over this feeling? Is it normal? Are new relationships ever healthy afterwards?

I have had counselling for something else and was sceptical. It was great and really helped. Do you have to have contact with him? Have you got kids together?

I don't have to no, I'd rather not but he tends to just turn up at my house or make things difficult if I just cut him off so it's about keeping the peace right now. No kids together, I have a child that's pretty attached to him after 4 years but not his.

I felt like this after my marriage broke down (he assaulted me repeatedly not cheating, but broke my trust) and I'm going through another break up now (again broke my trust). I am a recovered anorexic. I think our default is to internalise all the shame and disgust and anger - I know even though my ExH was heinous to me I still couldn't hate him so I hated myself instead. My new relationship wasn't healthy I'm afraid, I know that's not what you want to hear. I took a lot of my psychological trauma with me and never felt safe. I'm now going to be on my own for at least 2 years. I think we need to do a lot of healing and we need to do that within. All I can think is I need to trust and like myself again. I don't know how else I can do it. I really feel for you OP. It's a shit place to be in

Can't you just tell him you don't want him coming round anymore and respect your wishes to leave you alone and stay away.

He's hurt you enough as it is.

You might want to consider going down the legal route to prevent him contacting you/turning up if he won't leave you alone when asked to. You shouldn't have to "keep the peace" with someone you've split up with and no longer have any ties to. He can be prevented from harassing you.

I think counselling will help (and getting him out of your life completely too). I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, it sounds dysphoric and that professional help is the way to go.

Definitely echo what others are saying then. There is no need for him to come round. Tell him you want him to stay away and if he doesn’t phone the police and tell them he is harassing you. Change your phone and number or block him.

Like everything in life, if you don’t make changes then the same things just keep happening.

I'm glad you're going to therapy. It can really help if you allow it to. However, you still seeing your ex is MADNESS. All this accomplishes is to torture yourself again and again. You will never be able to move on If you keep allowing him to be in your life. Tell him to stay away, PERMANENTLY. It's time to take control of your life and future.

You won’t get over it if you maintain contact - this is a FACT.

Cut contact today. Delete and block.

I almost 18 months since my ex left me for another woman. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with but I can tell you that it’s improved so, so much since I went NC. NC since July 2017. I no longer think of him everyday and also there’s something very satisfying about holding the power of NC. It’s like taking control back.

Good luck to you. You can do it and you will get over it but it’s up to you to make that easier for yourself

The therapy will hopefully help you. But given you don't have children together, I think you really have to completely cut him out of your life as otherwise he is a constant reminder and source of pain to you. Just don't expect miracles thought. It will take time

Thanks everyone, you're 100% right about no contact. I know that it makes me feel better when he's not around but I worry so much about the fallout. He made the OWs life hell online with loads of abuse after they split and I think that would just finish me off after everything I've been through. I think at this point I'm going to have to risk that because it's killing me having anything to do with the guy.

He made the OWs life hell online with loads of abuse after they split

Wow, he sounds like an absolute bastard.

Go totally NC with him. Tell him, via text or email, that things aren't working out and you don't want to hear from him or see him again as you want a clean break, "it's best for both of us."

He will then contact you again most probably, send another text/email (you need a written record basically) and tell him "Please do not contact me again by any method."

Don't say sorry
Don't make an excuse
Just state your wishes

If he then carries on trying to contact you, you're in a much better position to get the police involved.