Advice needed - how to deal with really bad insecurity?

[AmberJ100]

I’ve name changed for this as I feel so pathetic.
I HATE when my OH comments on another woman being attractive. I know it’s completely irrational and silly to even be remotely bothered by it as he’s with me and loves me, but I honestly can’t control the way it makes me feel.
He was telling me last night how hot Jennifer Lawrence is. It instantly made me feel anxious and upset but I changed the subject and didn’t let him know I was bothered by it (didn’t want to end up starting an argument as I know fine well how unreasonable it would be). It totally ruined my evening though and I kept comparing myself to her in my head and thinking horrible thoughts about how he must prefer the way she looks to me etc. The same thing happened a few weeks ago when he was going on about Holly Willoughby and saying she has a great figure.
I find other celebrity men attractive but I still obviously love my OH in a way that could never come close to some silly fantasy celebrity crush. I KNOW THIS so why can’t I control my instant reaction of feeling hurt and upset whenever he makes comments like that?
Has anyone ever suffered from chronic insecurity before and how did you overcome it? I’m thinking something like CBT would be helpful for me, or maybe just some therapy in general. I don’t want our relationship to turn toxic from insecurities and jealousy issues. Even things like going on a beach holiday where there could be attractive women scantily dressed around him brings me out in a cold sweat. He’s a very loving partner and he doesn’t do anything to ever make me think he’d cheat on me. He also gives me lots of compliments too and I’m fairly happy with how I look other than wanting to lose a stone or two. I have been cheated on in the past so maybe these thoughts are stemming from that and the fear of losing him to someone else.
HELP!

Anyone?

He's quite insensitive to be telling you how hot he thinks another woman is. Maybe say to him that you don't like or want to hear it.

I understand where you are coming from, I often feel the same way.
My ex cheated on me. My current boyfriend attempted to cheat, although it didn’t come to that. He is very loving and compliments me a lot, but he also compliments other women. It makes me feel insecure and anxious. No magic here, but I notice my best strategy to detach slightly, go out without him, exercise, all the healthy combination that doesn’t allow me to become dependent on what he says to me or others. It is hard work (and he doesn’t know about it) but pays off for me to be a healthier person. Once you are happy within yourself, you are less likely to feel anxious about what he says.

Oh and also shut him up occasionally when he starts going on about celebrities, or bring up your crush and cure him with his own medicine!

I would ask him to stop doing it. Not a big ask. His response to this will be very telling.

I’ve asked him to stop before and he said I was being silly but he wouldn’t do it again. He hadn’t mentioned another woman at all for about 6 months until a couple of weeks ago when he started talking about Holly Willoughby and then last night saying how amazing Jennifer Lawrence looks in that Passengers film. I feel if I bring it up with him again and tell him to stop it I’m just going to look insane. Guess i’ll Just have to tell him though so he’s crystal clear how much it bothers me. And I also need to work on my self esteem myself

Hi Amber - agree that your OH needs to tone down his "appreciation" of other women, but also that focusing on feeling good about yourself will help your frame of mind.

I used to feel exactly like you, possibly worse in that I was irrationally jealous of DH's ex-girlfriends and got quite obsessive at one point - looking at their Facebook profiles, questioning him about them, comparing myself to them etc. Horribly unhealthy behaviour that came close to destroying the relationship.

I went to counselling but it didn't really help. In the end I had to make a conscious decision not to care. It was really hard and was definitely a charade at first, but it got easier over time, and now I'm at the point where I get the occasional flash of anxiety but I can dampen it down relatively quickly.

Also thinking to myself, "right, when I look back and reflect on this situation, how will I wish I'd acted?" - and then I'd force myself to behave in that way - with dignity etc.

It's hard - you know you're being irrational and hate yourself for feeling that way, which feeds the poor self-esteem! You CAN get past it though

@ruby thank you. I really hope I can get past this as it’s making me feel so awful. I can be bad for obsessively looking at his ex girlfriends’ social media profiles too. I don’t know why I do it as it just makes me feel like crap and there’s nothing to gain from it.

Amber - I had to make that my number one rule: no more looking at social media profiles! It was like an addiction for me and I had to go cold turkey. It sounds so stupid but as the weeks passed, I felt a little bit proud of myself for resisting temptation, which helped build my self-esteem, which made me feel stronger etc.

(I realise that this probably sounds ludicrous to anyone who doesn't have these insecurity issues . . . !)

Do you think you could set a couple more rules like this for yourself, to have some practical basis to work from . . . ? I had three rules for my own situation and I think following them was the reason I feel better now.

He's allowed to find anyone he likes attractive. In one sense it's better that he's open with you. Skulking in the bathroom having a wank would be ewwww.

However as he knows it upsets you, he's definitely being insensitive. How is he when the situation is reversed?

@seventh he doesn’t care at all. He’s not the jealous/insecure type and I wish I could be like that. I don’t mind him finding other women attractive - we all find other people hot outside of our relationships. I just don’t want to be told about any of it.

@ruby I’m going to try really hard to stop looking at their profiles as it’s so unhealthy. Think I need to learn some distraction techniques when I feel the urge to look.

It is horrible for someone's partner to comment on how hot other women are. I would hate it if my wife did this and I would never do it to her.

I guess there are only a couple of options.

Either he stops or you learn to not care , fake it til you make it, kind of thing.

I get how you feel Amber, I wouldn't like this either. My ex was talking about Pamela Anderson once saying "she's blonde with big tits, what's not to like?" I just said "seriously?! You're saying this to me, your girlfriend who is brunette with small tits? And your ex is blonde with fake big tits? How do you think that makes me feel?" He apologised and didn't ever really mention another woman's good looks again. He did however talk about how hot Zac Ephron was a lot so..

I think I would just say something like "remember when I told you I don't want to hear you talking about how other women are attractive to you? That."

And say no more.

I think if you’ve told him once already to stop doing it then he should respect that and stop! Some people aren’t bothered by things like that but other people really hate it. He gains nothing by telling you

Another one who thinks you should remind him that you’d rather not hear it! 99% of the population do not look like movie stars and we’d rather not hear about how gorgeous they are from the one that is supposed to think we’re gorgeous! If he can’t understand that then he’s very insensitive.