SAHM and realising it was a bad decision

[eridanus]

i have been with mu husband 15 years, married 10, 3dc - 8, 5 and 3. I had always worked up until the birth of DC1. I quit during maternity leave as the job I had been in for 5 years had given me a paycut of 17% in the year leading up to DC1’s birth (due to the recession 2008/09 and company having issues - all staff got this paycut). This paycut meant that I was on less money per year than when I had started in 2004. We agreed I would stop working and be a SAHM.

Then his career started to take off. Between 2009 to now, his wages have tripled and he has achieved a directorship with piles of benefits with a major multinational company. He received a large living wiIl last year also. Meanwhile we had 2 more kids, I retrained and now have another degree and masters. in a new field but after 9 years out of work and I feel I am not that interesting a person, I am extremely nervous to do interviews in a completely new field. Extremely nervous. I am trying to build up to it, but then he says to me tonight,- sure you have no idea what stress I am under (I agreed) and sure I look at you and I just know you are never going to work again or are happy to slide by on my wages.

I want to work again, I don’t care what money he has banked, but this has hit me badly. I have been looking and applied for jobs and have applied for a ‘bridging’ course that would give me a good opportunity - 9-10 years out of the workforce it’s not easy. The point of my AIBU is I kind of think that we have a family of 5 and he has just said I am like a child dependent on him. So if the shit hits the fan, he is covered with all his perks and the kids are too but I am on my own here because I am ‘living off him’.

I have kind of decided he is correct, maybe not in the manner he has put it, but I am a fifth wheel, just reliant on him and now I think I should just go but unfortunately I have to ask him to release cash for a deposit on a flat. I don’t know how I got to this point, I thought we had decided together and I have been looking for the right opportunity. I din’t realise all this time that he saw me as a bill. Any advice?

Thank you so much for all your responses. I have read each and every one of them and I have spoken to him using the advice given. I asked how he felt he had to say what he said which was very brutal - 2 keypoints for him were he does feel pressure as a sole earner in case his job ended in the morning (the company in question does do major redundancy sweeps every few years) and is not annoyed but disappointed that after I worked hard for my qualifications that I am now being slow in using them when he thinks I would be good at any job I get.

He said we are completely a team, I think it is my own attitude that is making me a miserable person. He doesn’t withold cash, but our savings are in shares account, so it’s not like going to the atm and taking what is needed, you have to sell stock and convert to cash. He is not miserly by any means. I did point out to him a lot of things people said here and he didn’t disagree. I think this has helped figure out that I need to kick myself in the backside. The bridging course I talked about was because the job I have trained for is in a science field and offers more hands on technical experience than college could provide. But I now think based on the advice given, maybe I should just jump into the deep end. Thanks very much (still terrified though) and thanks to those who have explained that it is a step but that I can get back into the world.

good for you @eridanus

It might be worth looking up imposter syndrome. It used to be said that it was very common amongst women. I honestly have never found anyone who does have some traces of thinking they are going to be 'found out' .... lots of people use it to egg themselves on to ever more success.

Many, many of us feel it but ignore or suppress, know that you re not alone.

Thank you @Finally here, I looked that up.

Thank for the update OP. Sounds like you've had a good conversation with your husband.
Wishing you all the best with your career.

So glad you've spoken and it looks like he feels the pressure of being the sole earner rather than a reflection of you. Definitely start working asap and you'll 've surprised how easy it is after being a sahm.