How often do you argue with your partner, do you end up shouting and do you actually resolve it?

[Honeypink]

Just that really, I hate arguing and wonder if shouting is normal? That’s never instigated by me ( the shouting and aggression} but he always shouts back and I never feel we ever really resolve issues. Surely I can’t always be in the wrong? I have never received an apology. I hate confrontation so after a bit tend to give in and say sorry or dismiss it to move on from it

Yes I can sometimes shout, which I really despise doing, but he can really push my buttons as times. I always try to stay super calm at the beginning of a confrontation but sadly it can escalate from time to time!

However, we do resolve things relatively quickly and in a calm manner. It's a shame we have to go through the anger to get to that point though.

I was married for 12 years before and we probably shouted twice. He was a stone waller though so it was doomed. He used other techniques, not shouting, to ensure no argument was ever resolved.

Current DP and I are two years in. We've never even almost shouted at each other. I've never felt we've not resolved and argument or disagreement.

As I've said many times...
It's not meant to feel this difficult op

We occasionally disagree but always talk it out. Never properly argue and never never shout. We both had previous spouses who liked screaming and abusive language, DHs ex also prone to throwing the odd punch. So we’re both very anti ugly out of control displays and make a big effort to resolve things calmly and respectfully.

I’m sure my ex would say “we argued”. “We didn’t”. He shouted and it was horrible.

We don’t ever argue and are both really deep thinkers and both VERY chilled, so manage to resolve things without much discussion.
We are both apologisers as well.
I can’t even imagine shouting at anyone (apart from the bloody dog when she can’t decide which side of the door she wants to be) let alone someone I love.

I'm the shouter. Husband not, he's the obstinate one, I'd say we don't have arguments that big where I'm shouting often, maybe once every six months. Past that we do minority squabble but let it go relatively quickly.

DH and I have been together 23 years. We've had about six big rows in that entire time. All of them were worth having and cleared the air and sorted out underlying problems.

I am the shouter. I only lose it when I am hungry/tired/being treated inconsiderately which is about twice a year but when I go watch out world! I hate it and feel miserable and bruised afterwards but DH is brilliant with me and de-escalates the situation by not reacting, I have learned to go off my myself until I feel calmer and can sort out food/sleep/assertive communication as needed.
This situation has taken me fifty years to solve. I was wondering only this morning how I become such an angry child when I am a super-sensitive kind person usually. I can only think it was to do with family dynamics in my early childhood which have left me with buttons that get pushed and trigger huge rage and hurt.
My DM is the queen of passive aggressive disapproval and didn't cope well with lots of DC. I think I was her lightning conductor and expressed a lot of her anger for her.
My first DH was similar and I expressed his anger for him too. Luckily for me DH2 is a lovely calm man who can get cross but not with me and knows how to calm me
Interesting thread OP. Is your DH an angry person in other situations? Road Rage? Yelling at politicians or football referees?

Been together 2.5 years, not a single argument and definitely no shouting.

Before him I was with someone for 9 years and we would have almighty rows at least twice a week, with a lot of shouting every time.

I used to think that we only fought so much because we were such passionate people and it just showed that we cared. I used to think that people who didn’t scream and shout were just in really boring relationships!

It’s taken a long time for me to see just how fucked up that was

We don't argue. We do disagree from time to time, but both try to see each others point of view and resolve it with kindness. I can count on one hand the number of times we've shouted at each other, and all of those were in times of massive stress and we both apologised within a couple of hours once we'd cooled off.

Exactly the same as you. Dp shouts and gets aggressive.

Nothing ever gets resolved, no apologies, it gets swept under the carpet as I don't want to raise it again as don't like being shouted at.

Never any shouting as I wouldn't find that acceptable. My Dad never shouted at my Mum either. Where I've had differences of opinion with partners I expect to discuss them straight away. Even when I found out about my XH's affair I didn't shout. The minute I don't feel heard in a relationship I attempt to sort it out then if he's incapable I leave. Life's too short to not be heard by your partner. If you think about it it means he has zero respect for you really.

Together 3.5 years. Dont live together. No arguments. No shouting. I would be off if someone shouted at me, personally. Never been shouted at, or shouted at a DP (even despite very shitty behaviour). Havent really got it in me. We disagree on things now and again but just talk it out, or agree to disagree if one of us points out it isnt actually relevant or important. I guess peoples tolerance for conflict is very different- some people seem to cope fine with quite a lot, or even claim to not be able to cope without it. I cant be arsed and neither can DP I guess.

Badger I envy you and the PPs who just don't rise to the bait and are able to stay calm. I do however believe it is better to resolve conflict than suppress it and become resentful and bitter. My problem is I have either been tolerant to a fault and stored up rage or gone up like Vesuvius. I hate conflict too and am miserable for days after a blow up. I wish I could have Zen like qualities and discuss things like a grown up but I don't seem to have learned those skills very well.

My ex shouted and was emotionally abusive till I was hysterically crying. I was 19 and totally naive as to what to do. Then he wouldn’t talk for days. I just ended a relationship recently because I was shouted at and was called a terrible name because I wouldn’t remove hair from an area of my body where women have the right to choose.I will let no one mistreat me I never got angry back. I just ended it. I see now he had no respect for woman and had also been raised by an abusive mother and had no father. It’s no excuse but I couldn’t help him. He was too wounded. I don’t know if yelling is ok I guess it’s how the people involved solve the problem in the end and how it makes them feel.

I think it’s awful that he’s yelling at you and you have to shut up, take it and then apologise!

Can you try talking to him when you’re both calm and ask him why he’s behaving like an aggressive twat?

My Dh used to be the same as he came from a family who yell at each other a lot. His mum and dad are in their 70s and still yell. 5 mins later it’s like it never happened and everything’s back “to normal”.
I come from a family where I never heard my mum and dad ever argue, so found dhs approach awful, one day I yelled back at him, but loader than him. He was so shocked we actually had a long talk and he realised how he was behaving was ridiculous and he rarely shouts now.
The important thing is you need to talk about disagreements, discuss why they’ve happened and where each other is coming from.

When things were bad, we didn’t have arguments as such- DH would create conflict or I would be trying to let him know that he’d upset me & somehow I would end up as the villain. I did sometimes shout out of sheer frustration that my feelings were never or hardly ever validated. Very glad to say that our relationship is sooo much healthier now. DH has turned himself around but I knew that I needed to set some boundaries & react differently to him too.It took nearly splitting up to do it & he can still be difficult to “ argue” with but I am no longer his emotional punchbag & he is learning that there is no need to manipulate or control.
Having said all that, when he is being all cool & calm I wish he would just yell!

No. Nearly 30 years married and we've never had a shouting argument. We think alike and agree on most things and the times we don't we agree to disagree. Sometimes, I rant and he listens and then other times he rants and I listen but fortunately we don't tent to rant at the same time so all is good in jolieworld. We never ever shout and no I don't think shouting is normal.

If anyone shouts at me I walk out of the room and say that I will discuss the issue when they can talk in a rational and respectful manner. (Part of my teacher training ha!)

We don’t argue. If one or the other is unhappy about something we are able to talk about it before it gets to the point of being angry. We also have a lot of sex, which makes us too relaxed to argue anyway 😁

We don't shout at all. We are both more likely to ignore each other when angry and then we talk about it when we feel calmer.

@topofthecliff to be honest I think its as much that we dont disagree on much, as our actual model for resolving conflict. I cant think of anything I resent, or have had to store anything up about. We just have never disagreed on anything important. Thats why I mentioned we have only been together 3.5 years and dont live together, as we probably have fewer opportunities to disagree than some couples together longer and under more stressful circumstances (under each others feet a bit together, kids, etc). Other people would probably get frustrated with either one of us seeming so apathetic, but as we are both like that, it works fine. Different strokes for different folks.