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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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My Partner refuses to help me.

50 replies

BearbearP · 17/03/2018 20:36

Since the beginning of our relationship my partner has made it 100% clear that he is the higher earner there fore he is boss! I have to clean and do everything whilst I wait him on hand n foot- even when preggers and working in care doing 12 hr shifts 6 days a week I was still cooking and cleaning and serving him, if one week I’ve let the cleaning go abit, he picks up on it- has a go at me And generally makes me feel like shit about it calling me fat and lazy - I had the baby via c section and after being home for 2 hours I had to cook dinner and had no help with the baby at all( even tho I was in pain and struggling) I ended back in hospital with infections - in and out of hospital 3/4 times within the 1st month ( you would think he would get the point that I NEEDED help!) anyway you prob get the point I’m making- I do everything! Absolutely everything! Even cuting his toenails is a part of my weekly chores- he goes to work and comes home and sits in his chair drinking (I wait him on hand n foot) this week the baby has had a viral infection and hasn’t been sleeping through the night I’ve had roughly 9 hours sleep this week! My partners been finishing early so I’ve been hoping he would see I’m exhausted and help! NO he goes to the pub. I said we needed calpol and nappies - he spends the last of our money in the pub instead - I confront him about it and he says “ I’m the one earning money and I go to work if I want to go to the pub I will!” I want to make it clear I don’t care that he goes pub- (it gives me a break) the fact was I’m struggling and I’m exhausted I jut want him to offer me a hand- bath the baby for me or feed him so I can just have 5 mins ( in 7 months his never fed or bathed the baby) his made me feel so shit for “complaining” and I should be grateful I don’t have to work. Which I am grateful- but I feel like a slave- if he truelly cared about me he would help.. right? .. I ended the row with “ I’ve had enough, I’ll find somewhere else to live” whilst he threatened me with” look at the state of ya, I rather shag anyone down that pub then you, and if you carry on complaining I will!” - I feel like shit and want to run away! But I can’t I want my baby to live in a nice loving home which it is... only when I keep my mouth shut and get on with things... I don’t know what to do- will he ever understand? I’m in two halves of leaving and starting fresh but my baby living with separated parents OR sticking around and just doing as I’m told so my baby lives in what he’ll think a happy home- Sorry long for the long post. Just need to get it off my chest I suppose . Xx

OP posts:
ImogenTubbs · 17/03/2018 21:27

Leave
Leave
Leave
Leave

Your child will never think this is a loving and happy home. At the best he'll think it is normal. Is that really what you want?

LornaMumsnet · 17/03/2018 21:29

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Luckyme2 · 17/03/2018 21:30

This is not a nice loving home though! So if you want your child to grow up in one of those then you need to leave!

Tryingtokeepfit · 17/03/2018 21:32

I'm really sorry for you. (Part of me can't believe this is true!?)

There is no way staying with this man you can pretend to be happy for the rest of your child's life. You absolutely need to leave.

I just can't see how it physically possible for you to be cooking dinners 4 days post emergency c section. I couldn't even stand upright for longer than a minute or two for the first week.

Out of interest, how much of a higher earner is he than you? Because if he spent the last of your money at the pub I can't see how he can think he is so much better than you. He is messed up in the head.

Please don't let your son grow up thinking it's ok to treat women like this...

Flowers
MyBoysAndI · 17/03/2018 21:35
Biscuit
Notwhatthedogsaid · 17/03/2018 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Avasarala · 17/03/2018 21:41

Why on earth did you gave a child with this man?
I hope this is fake.

If it's a boy you have- do you want him to see his father's behaviour and think that's how he should treat women?

If you have a girl, do you want her to think that this is the life she will be expected to live?

Honestly, what are doing still with him

Leave. Leave now. Pack your stuff and leave. Get on a housing list, stay with family. Anything.

Avasarala · 17/03/2018 21:45

Just re-read and seen you have a son. He cannot grow up in that house with that man as a role model. When your son starts school, uni, work and treats women like that, how will you feel?

Labradoodliedoodoo · 17/03/2018 21:50

Do you want your son to turn out like your husband? If not move. Your son needs better role models. If you stay, your son will know you’re unhappy. You can’t fool him.

allthegoodnameshadgone · 17/03/2018 21:54

Apologies but I've had a wine I wouldn't be cutting his toenails..... add as you see fit

PrettyLittIeThing · 17/03/2018 22:01

Ofcourse it's physically possible to cook 4 days after a csection. I was a single mum from the begining with my youngest and just got on with it you will be surprised what you can do when you don't have a choice, so I dont think the op is lying.

Tryingtokeepfit · 17/03/2018 22:05

prettylittlethings I'm not saying she is lying.
I just find it horrific....I don't think it's a case of 'just getting on with it.'

Sparrowlegs248 · 17/03/2018 22:09

Tryingtokeepfit I was also doing all the cooking, cleaning etc straight after a c section. I'm single now!

PrettyLittIeThing · 17/03/2018 22:10

I'm not saying the op should be getting on with it Im saying that it is physically possible if you have no choice. Whether the op should or not is another thing all together.

ChickenMom · 17/03/2018 22:16

Oh OP. This is no good. This is one of the worst, shocking things I’ve read recently. He is no good, has no respect for you and is not going to change. I struggle to see why you would want to stay in this situation. Do you have anybody else you can go stay with? You must get out now before your son is old enough to pick up his fathers behaviour and start treating you the same. You will ruin your sons happiness/well-being and yours by staying in this situation. Please leave. Do whatever you can to get away from this awful awful man. He told you he’d rather shag somebody down the pub? That’s emotional abuse and is not love. You deserve better. Your son deserves better. Contact women’s aid. Contact your family and friends and ask for help in leaving. Do you have anywhere else you can go tomorrow?

MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup · 17/03/2018 22:24

What on Earth are you doing with him! Get out of there. You deserve far better!

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 17/03/2018 22:25

My Partner refuses to help me

Then he isn't your partner. Nothing about this suggests a partnership.

clownfaces · 18/03/2018 01:22

Where are you OP? I'd rather you came back to the thread before I give my opinion

MistressDeeCee · 18/03/2018 01:55

I don't understand how these piece of shit men can even get a woman, much less one who agrees to have children with him. If you leave OP you will find it infinitely easier to raise a child on your own than live with a pig.

AverageSnowflake · 18/03/2018 02:07

Clipping his toenails?! FFS OP, bin him immediately!! He's a piece of shit. Literally anything would be better than staying in your current situation.

Olikingcharles · 18/03/2018 02:51

My ex husband was like this. Please leave he won't change. I stayed for 12 years. Which was 12 years to long.

Shoxfordian · 18/03/2018 06:04

Why did you accept this when you first got together? Leave him as soon as you can. Maybe look into the nearest Freedom Programme as well to help you avoid this in future

userabcname · 18/03/2018 06:13

I can't believe I just read this. OP it's 2018 not the 1800s. Get the hell out immediately.

C0untDucku1a · 18/03/2018 07:28

This is not a happy home

elisenbrunnen · 18/03/2018 09:15

OP - you sound so young. Has feminism passed you by? Hmm

How are you 'made' to do these things? Owning a gun and holding it to your head is illegal in the UK!

You want you child to grow up in a 'loving home'? THEN GET OUT! AND SHOW HER WHAT A LOVING HOME LOOKS LIKE! Because this^, whatever this is, is NOT a loving home. Not even when he is 'being nice'.

Phone/email WA. Find out what benefits you are entitled to. Go to CAB. Phone the CSA (or whatever it is now).

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