Personalities in a relationship

[averageguy1]

Following on from my previous thread about the end of my 5 yr relationship with my partner, having had a week to digest things and have a think i feel i am the sort of person who likes to lend a helping hand and don't like to see people struggle ..An example my ex needed a new bathroom fitting last year but told me she couldn't afford for a plumber to do it so she cannot have it done, i felt obliged to do the work even though my own house is in need of work this is just one example of many including car repairs, collecting / dropping things off , buying things and generally arranging everything in our relationship
My question is i dont think she set out to deliberately manipulate me to do these things for her but can people have "Manipulation Personalities " ? And do they attract people who feel the need to look after them ?

Oh my goodness yes they can. I employed someone like this who fed me a ton of sob stories to manipulate me to make her work conditions suit her, but not really me! Being a nice person , went along with it , took me a while to realise she was a big user!

yetmorecrap thats exactly what i mean do you think she mindfully set out to manipulate you or do these type of people subconsciously do it because thats the way they are. I am trying to workout if i have been played or just met someone who is like that without knowing..
She once told me her ex boyfriend who she dumped would come round and feed her cat in his dinner hour and leave a meal for when she got in from work🙄

It depends on the person - some do it on purpose, some genuinely just want a vent and people like you spring into action.

I have been accused of pretending to be helpless to get someone to do something for me. This is my situation

My view - my washing machine broke. I googled the problem and how to fix it but didn't have the tools. Spoke to my friend Adam (fake name) who I knew had the tools, explained situation and asked to borrow tools for a few hours. He said ok, then changed his mind and said actually, he'll be able to do it in half the time so came and did the job. I said thank you and dropped off a small bottle of booze as a thank you.

'Adams view - I asked for lend of tools. He has been my friend for years and didn't want me to waste time when he could do the job quickly. Thought he would do a favour for a friend and was grateful for the thank you booze.

Adams partners view - I asked for the tools as a passive aggressive way to guilt Adam into doing the job for me. As I know him so well, I apparently knew he would jump in to help me

I was genuinely happy to do the job just didn't want to fork out for tools I may never need again but she honestly saw it as me being manipulative.

I had a lovely friend who is sadly no longer with us. She was pretty and bubbly and everybody loved her. When she needed a job doing she would literally flutter her eyelashes at a capable man and flatter him into doing the job for her. Then she would reward him with thanks and a bottle or a cake or whatever and sing his praises. The chaps all seemed to adore her. I guess they could choose whether to go along with her and help or say no.
It sounds like your friend's partner is actually a bit resentful of your friendship and him giving his time to help you. Maybe she had jobs she wanted him to do! This was the price you paid for getting the job done (in addition to the bottle!)

That genuinely does sound to me like a friend helping out, i have 5 years worth of things like that for her and grown up children maybe i am overthinking things it just feels i have been 'mugged off'

That last bit was directed at Money!
Mr Average you sound lovely and you need to work out whether the warm glow of satisfaction you get from helping people is worth the time and energy spent or whether it leads to resentment in the longer term. Doing things for people you care about is a "love language" for a lot of us.

I think there may well be the sort of person who manipulates others into helping them.
All you can do in future is work on your boundaries and not feeling responsible for other people’s oroblems. Make sure you only help because you are happy to do so and not because of misplaced guilt.

I think there's givers and takers in life. It might be a simplistic way of looking at things but it's my experience. I'm a natural giver both practically and emotionally - if someone needs something or is upset or angry I'll think I've got to help them get through this. I don't do it so much nowadays as I've learnt the hard way
I think we seek out in life what we need so takers will find givers and vice versa

I feel a bit like I need to defend myself so will add context (didn’t think it would be needed though tbh). My intention was never for him to do the job for me and I did tell him more than once that if he could lend me the tools I knew what to do (and told him my plan).
I think between me and ‘Adam’ there is a long history of give and take (I’ve picked him up when his car broke down / he walked my dogs when I was ill / I patched up a ripped blanket that was made my his nanna who has since passed away / he helped DH plan a surprise for me) but a lot of this was pre the current girlfriend so she clearly views it differently.

My DH is like you and falls over himself to help people. He has learnt to stop doing this for the people who take advantage but he will always give them at least 2 chances first. It is who he is, and we have had a mix of manipulative CFs and others who genuinely didn’t expect his help or were asking for his opinion rather than for his direct, practical / financial help.

I think if you feel taken advantage of by people, maybe practice saying “I’ll let you know” if people ask for something. It will at least buy you time to think it through and check it’s something you won’t resent doing later. Everyone’s different. I will happily give my help when asked, as long as you don’t have form for taking advantage but it wouldn’t occur to me to just jump in and help if someone was talking about an issue.

I have a different take on this. I am convinced that there is a dynamic at play that involves both parties. There are people who help and people who need help. The helper unconsciously seeks out those in need of help just as the other seeks a helper. I do not think it is a conscious thing unless the person seeking the help is generally a ruthless sort (which I think you would see in other behaviours). The helper gets to feel good for helping and the helped person gets what they need while both fail to look at their own needs in the dynamic. The helper is quite possibly trapped in a martyrish role, always kind, always helping but feeling a little bit put upon and resentful who simultabeously does not make a decision to meet their own needs first. The helped person gets what they need without having to step up to responsibility and grow thus meeting their own need to mature and become responsible for their own needs. I could be wrong but as a person who acts out both of these roles at different times I am aware of them in myself so have spent a fair bit of time thinking about it all.

I think there is a difference between people like 'Adam' who will genuinely help out a friend especially if he is a practical person like myself but if someone you are in a relationship with is giving a sad story about needing something doing to get it done then that can be seen as manipulative ...not drip feeding but another example is me wanting to have a weekend away walking in the peak district and partner very enthusiastic but cannot come because of not being able to afford it , me wanting to make them happy pay for the whole weekend this happened on numerous occasions then 3 yrs into the relationship she needs a new car and pays £15k cash for a car right infront of me ????

Peckalina ....Absolutely agree 100 % with that and in a nutshell that sums up the last 5 yrs of my life lol

In the case of Adam I think the poster is correct that it's a friend helping out and the girlfriend just didn't like it (she may have had a legitimate reason?). However, I think that your ex was obviously saving her cash for a car and didn't disclose this to you. Of course that is pretty shit.

Agreed in all the 5 yrs i believed she was living hand to mouth ..i earn a good salary so have paid for the bulk of tbe nights out, weekends away , euro city breaks and main foreign holidays as a pp said you learn in life and i definitely have.. just to add this is not the reason it has ended but for reasons discussed in my previous post.

averageguy1 -I haven't read your previous post but it looks like you made a good decision to get out after 5 years. I don't know what your situation is but it might be helpful to look up some information on codependance. It's quite common and so natural that it's hard to spot. On the flipside your ex may have been a manipulative character who spotted a nice guy and made the most of it. Only you will know the answer as to why you went along with it for 5 years despite the warning signs.

Thanks for reading my other post and i will look up what you have suggested . To be honest i dont think i saw the warning signs because the last 15 yrs of my previous marriage wasn't very loving we had two kids life got in the way and we drifted apart then when i met my now exp she showed me amazing love like i had never seen before it was a very intense relationship right up to the end...i dont think i saw the wood for the trees or maybe blinded by the loveand me desperately wanting to please ??

Peckalina i have spent the last couple of hours looking at web pages about Codependant relationships and its quite an eye opener , their are many examples of my edp and my relationship thanks for the insite xx

Whatmoney- sometimes people (like my stbxh) are always very happy to help others but always too busy to do so at home. So, yes, I would sometimes get annoyed that he'll spend all day helping a mate when he's got lots of things he could be doing at home but is always too busy. Another friend's husband is like this.

Yet I'm a helper by nature too. Your example isn't necessarily that strange and in terms of paying for everything yet being able to afford a car - a car is pretty necessary for most people and going away isn't. It's where she has prioritised her spending.

averageguy, until the £15K car cash blinder, were their other clues that her definition of 'affording' was (shall we say) different from yours? Did she spend money on things for herself that made you think when you'd just subbed a weekend away?

there of course...

I agree prioritising with money is definitely a good idea and the necessity to have a car far outways money spent on holidays but for someone in a relationship to spend 3 yrs or so making the other person think they live hand to mouth and allow 90% of things to be paid for by that person to suddenly find 15k for a car isnt good in my opinion.
To be honest it didn't massively bother me it was just an example used now i am looking back and isn't the reason for me ending the relationship.

Walkacrossthesand ..probably yes little things ,for example we went away for a week for her birthday i paid for everything and we needed to do a shop for the weeks holiday food and she wanted to split the bill but only after i subtracted the £2.30 i had spent on school dinner food for my Dd ...

I Don't want to turn this into a thread about the money i could have easily (and should have) not spent it ..its about getting my head around the way the whole relationship seems to have been one sided .

averageguy1 - I think it's pretty apparent that any decent person would not have squirrelled away 15K while pleading poverty. The money examples offer an insight into the general behaviour of your ex. I am sure there are other examples of behaviours that seemed okay at the time but now seem a bit off. The important part of analysing any relationship is to examine our part in it. The other person acts how they act for whatever reasons they have. We either accept it or draw a line. When we accept behaviour that does not fit with our value system the question is why did we not draw a line? What are we afraid of? Is it easier to accept than to confront? Will the person not love us if we have boundaries? The money thing is a red herring really. I don't know why you split up but I think the 15K car issue would have been enough for me to question the integrity of a partner. I am not saying you are foolish (I have been in infinitely worse relationships for longer) but the buck must stop with us. If we allow people to trample on our boundaries then we must expect them to keep doing it. When we have clear boundaries we am more likely to enforce them. Does that sound fair?

Crikey I just read your other thread. Your ex seems to be a nasty piece of work. Glad you have managed to get away. It might benefit you to get some counselling to help you stay strong around this person and not be manipulated again. Best wishes