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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this love or am I stuck in some sort of abuse cycle?

6 replies

Hispterwannabe · 17/03/2018 16:44

I don’t want to give too much detail for fear of outing myself (OW has trolled me on here previously). I split up with my ex a few months ago and for some reason am really really struggling emotionally this week. I’m having his baby so my hormones are everywhere at the moment but I wondered whether it’s truly love, or, as others have suggested including my counsellor am I caught up in an abuse cycle and have a kind of Stockholm syndrome going on?

I should say that I had real difficulty in letting go of the OW but it wasn’t for trying. Unfortunately she made her presence known constantly trying to get in touch with my ex, running past our flat everyday in the hope of bumping into us and generally stalking my SM and then sending hate mail to him specifically about me. I had so much difficulty with it that he left me for her for a period of a few months and then came back on his hands and knees crying begging me for forgiveness.

The only solace I take in all of this, vindictive as it may be, is that I know It won’t last between them because her children are too much for him and after a few months he tires of her. This time is a little difficult because of the financial situation he finds himself in so he might buckle down for a little while longer.

His actions towards us both can only be described as abhorrent but still, I find myself navel gazing and wanting to snuggle up into his chest. He’s always been very good at comforting me.

Perhaps I’m having a particularly bad day but I can’t stop the feeling of wanting him back and to be part of our family.

Someone tell me this will get progressively easier? Sorry for he whinge!

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 17/03/2018 17:02

This guy has dumped you while you are pregnant with his baby. You seem to be blaming OW, and also yourself.
He is not reliable, maybe he can comfort you because he's good at bullshit.
Maybe you are in love with him, maybe not. What does it matter how it's described? He's bad news, you know that.
Don't make excuses for him, it will just get worse.
It will only get easier if you call a halt to it, and be certain in yourself that wouldn't lower yourself to get back to him.
It will be easier when you know for sure that your standards are such that you wouldn't take him back if he begged you.
The family you dream of with him isn't going to happen, he's already made it clear he's got feet of clay. You are missing an ideal, something that doesn't exist, and never really did. Pay attention to what your friends and counsellor are telling you.

Hispterwannabe · 17/03/2018 17:07

Thanks @Delphinium I needed that and you’re right I am dreaming of an ideal that he just cannot give me. I blame her in part, because she’s been so vengeful in trying to get him back. I think if she met me and got to know me she might like me and stop her spiteful bs but I know that for the most part the issue is my ex.

My biggest concern is when he turns up again, which he will. He’s done it so many times I’ve lost count. I just need to learn to show him the door and recall all of the bad shit he’s put me through.

OP posts:
Lalimerente · 17/03/2018 17:22

Sorry I am not sure I understand what do you mean by get him back? Was the ow originally his gf?

Hispterwannabe · 17/03/2018 17:28

We split for 3 months many years ago, he dated her for a few months. No affair to talk of at that time and I was fine with him having dated someone else, shit happens and we weren’t together. Thereafter he cheated with her multiple times. It was after the first time of cheating I struggled to get over it which has been fuelled by the OWs unwanted contact.

OP posts:
Lalimerente · 17/03/2018 17:30

He is some nasty piece of work and you and the ow have both been played so it seems....

Huntinginthedark · 17/03/2018 18:49

Of course it’s hard. You have to think and imagine them. You have my sympathies.
How to move on, well that’s bloody hard, really bloody hard.
Because with all the bad bits we cling onto the good bits, sometimes you just want a hug and for it all to go away.
Imagine that you could just give him a hug and it went away temporarily, that’s great! But then everything else that’s ever happened won’t go away, it will always be there in the back Of your mind, there is no escaping it
The only thing I can suggest is don’t get yourself in the cycle of thinking they’re happier, life just isn’t like that. It’s fucking hard. But that bit isn’t real.
We all struggle, and you know he’s a weak coward of a man.

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