Is he cheating?

[Gabs90]

I have been with my partner for over 7 years. We are engaged and living together. I would say that our relationship is quite stable, but admittedly a bit samey at times!

Over the last months I noticed a slight change in my partners behaviour. He has a close group of friends (all work colleagues) that he often goes to the pub, events (gigs) and Whatsapp a lot.

However, I started to notice a difference in him. He started to talk about a female colleague a lot more (I will call her Jane) - My partner does not really have girl friends. He spoke about her that seemed very familiar. Yes he works with her and sees her everyday, but something felt different. He was going out more - to the pub and gigs - circumstances would often change which meant they ended up going to these things together. My partner and his group of friends (including Jane) had planned a trip. Jane's partner was due to go on this trip but pulled out. This meant my partner and Jane would be travelling nearly 6 hours in the car alone...I was not comfortable with this!

I spoke to him about my concerns but he put this down to her being 'one of the lads' and 'having banter'. It carried on for a week, so I raised my concerns again. He again explained that she was part of the group and nothing was happening. Something about the situation did not sit right with me. I had a gut feeling that there was something more but was not sure what. This is when I asked to see his phone..He agreed....I really that I feel I had to check his phone! I could tell there was going to be something by the way he reacted and became guarded.

On his phone were messages between them. The messages start with being standard messages that you would send to a friend e.g. giffs/memes, work chat and general chit chat. I then come across messages where she tells him that she has a sexual dream of them in bed together and him "spanking her"...apparently I walk in on them, that they have been to the pub together (only them), her confiding that she has cheated on her partner and pictures where they have been to get piercings...he kept it from me to see "if i would notice".

As you can imagine I was furious. My partner seems to downplay the situation and said that he thought his friend was being funny. His response to the message about the dream was 'that there would be no spanking'. I felt that some of his conversations were very familiar, verging flirty.

I asked that he rearrange his plans for the trip so that they were not alone together.
That he only reply to her texts but keep it more formal.
and that he send her a text say the message about the sexual dream was inappropriate.

My partner sent the text and received one back from Jane apologising.
It took him days to rearrange the plans for his trip. He did not appear to want to upset his friends and Jane.
He has not really spoke to me since I saw the texts (i'm not speaking to him either).
He has gone off on his trip with his friends and Jane. I am sat left at home wondering what is happening.

Sorry its soooo long. I appreciate if you are still reading smile
What are your thoughts?

Sorry this has happened - does your fiancé have form for cheating? It sounds as if you dont trust him as it is, and if the trust is gone - i think its pretty hard to get back. I think the fact that he didnt say the dream was inappropriate immediately tells me if you didnt see it - then he thinks its an appropriate thing to say to someone with a partner. Thats not right - its disrespectful. And that fact you had to check his phone - tells me you dont trust him anymore. And this thing about 'you would notice' is bullshit - he got caught out.

The fact that you have had to tell him what to do; the reply re dream, the formal texts, rearrange plans tells me he's not that into the relationship as much as you are.

I dont know what i would do in your situation - but i can tell you i would start by evaluating my relationship, then take it from there.

Good luck OP.

Imo...
All of his behaviour is way out of line and you can't stop him going with friends. But you can't trust him either.
The way he has made you feel is awful. I wouldn't leave me partner him feeling like that!

Its not looking good; this woman has turned his head and he has devoted time and energy into having an emotional affair with her. I also do not think he would be as half as forgiving if the shoe was on the other foot.

I would think that sadly your relationship with this man has now run its course and is now at an end bar the shouting. You have simply caught him out and I would also now call off the engagement. If there is no trust now either, there is really no relationship.

I am not one to usually write LTB but he is looking for excitement outside of your relationship, and minimizing it as a way to avoid taking responsibility.

I would urge you to consider your boundaries.

It's an emotional affair at the very least.
Only you can know if you want your relationship to continue, and it sounds like you have started to lay down your boundaries by asking him to change his behaviour. BTW - the boundaries are there to protect YOU, not control him. If he over steps the boundaries, you know what to do.

Your big clues here are the mentionitis and the fact he is now not speaking to you (it's because he feels guilty). And, y'know, her saying she has cheated on her partner is likely her letting him know she'd be up for doing it again.

He may not have physically cheated on you...but there's something between them

The fact that she felt comfortable enough to send that message would indicate they've at least flirted with each in person other and made their mutual attraction known.

I agree. Sharing such personal information is a green light for availability.

It's unfortunate you resorted to going through his phone and then forcing him to prove his loyalty via rearranging travel arrangements, telling her off re the dream texts etc.

You've effectively set yourself up as the paranoid girlfriend. Itll be way easier for him to justify cheating now! You'd have been so much better off just watching and waiting. Most of all because you could have used this trip to find out what he's like when you're not looking...

I'm a firm believer you should never ever put yourself in a situation where your partner has to change in order to make you feel secure. That includes situation where cheating is obvious... When a man is so obviously interested in another, what one earth good does it do to somehow get him to pretend more vehemently that he doesn't...?

Your relationship as you knew it is over. You went through denial, then (when you forced him to rearrange travel etc) you went through the bargaining stage - desperately trying to make a new deal of some kind that would stave off the inevitable. But as in all such situations you've learned too late that there is no new deal that will make this change go away. He feels differently about you, himself, and Jane - he's very likely got a crush on her - and there is nothing you can do to change that. He may not be having an affair or even planning to, but the way he is acting shows that his feelings towards YOU have definitely changed. His friends (incl Jane) may just have been a catalyst for that. Your reaction to that change has probably shown him that he is right not to feel the same way...

Take a big step back, put on your big girl pants, and immediately cease looking to him to make you feel more secure. Do you really want to be with him? Is this relationship really working for both you and him? I think the real answers to those questions are ones you're avoiding.

“Jane’s” partner was supposed to go on the trip...were you invited to go? Does he go out with you for drinks nights out etc?

So sorry you are going through this. He should not be talking to other women outside of his relationship about such personal things. If I had such a dream about a man I knew was I a relationship, there is absolutely no way I would tell him about it. It's out of line and actually a bit odd.

As @SandyY2K said, you don't just text your colleague something like that. They must be fairly close to happily disclose that there was a dream which involved spanking. I don't think I can think of any colleague that I would be happy sharing this with without being completely embarrassed!

I suggest you have a very honest conversation with him and ask him what he wants. Do NOT let him minimise this and do NOT let him place the blame on you. You are absolutely right to feel this was and he is in the wrong.

We are engaged and living together.

How would he react If you received such a message from a man...and instead of shutting it right down you responded like he did?

I'd be asking him if he's sure he wants to get married, because that kind of behaviour and the subsequent ignoring isn't good enough.

Walk away. Just walk away.

He is not to be trusted. Trust your instincts. They are telling you there is something going on because there IS something going on. Just the fact that he still went on this trip knowing how upset you are, (and right so), is very telling. He cares more about how Jane feels than how you feel. Don't be a doormat. Kick him out.

How come he's going out so much without you? And is the trip a work trip?

Yes, imagine if a guy was messaging you like that and you weren't telling him that it's inappropriate. How would he react? And you would definitely feel it was inappropriate, right?