Is love ever enough :(

[MilieJones]

Hello,

I’m look for some impartial useful advice if possible.

Me and my partner live an hour away from each other. He has an 8yo. I have a 6yo and 4yo. We all merge together as a family well and it’s lovely.

Like with all - In the beginning we saw each other constantly - he would travel to me as I have my own home and he lives with parents so we only get alone time at mine.

Him coming here has got considerably less now it’s maybe once a week if that. He works shifts as does his ex wife and I work mon-fri 8-4. My children don’t have a dad in their lives so they are in my care consistently. My partner and his ex have a slight routine of every other weekend Friday night-Monday morning school and every Wednesday night-Thursday morning school but the ex then also calls on him most days to have the 8yo from school or over night or till late when she’s working. So no routine really.

For three months I’ve been utterly horrid blowing up at him constantly that I never see him, we never have sex etc. I get that that it is a pain for him but I’m reslly hurting. I’ve tried to chill out. I’ve let it be and I’ve waited around now I need some progression or do I need to find someone else with the same vision for life as me. I don’t know which?

My sex drive is very high and my want for a partner in life is high. Ive got the house the career the kids and the lifestyle now it’s time for a person to share that with me.

With the distance, work patterns, lack of physical contact in all sense of the meaning. I want him to move in but he is very much like ‘I want to be where my daughter is so I’m there at all times when the ex asks and I want to be with my family and friends as she never let me be’ but in my head I’m thinking: this can’t be your life plan and you have been living with family and/or friends for two years now and you’re 34...

I blow up and then we’re ok again and I ask him to sit with her and look at shifts and make a plan so I’m not constantly wondering when I’ll get to see him but he doesn’t do that either. He says it’s not like that. I’ve said (with shifts) he’ll see friends just as much and I don’t care if he stay out late ... it’s the fact that his stuff is here ... WE have OUR home and ultimately he calls it home and he comes home to me but it all falls on deaf ears.

I make it sound awful but, together we are a great couple, we click, sex is amazing and the kids all love one and other. He is my future in my eyes but I’m very very very lonely and I become resentful and horrid and we argue because I don’t get it and nor does he...

I feel like I’m asking him to pick between his daughter and me. I’m not. But I see it looks that way - but does that mean we can never live together because he is at ex’s beck and call as to when he can see the 8yo? Is that right??

Am I right to put it out there that I want a partner and family life (Work, kids, dinner, chats, tv, bed, sex and repeat..) and if he isn’t going to do that then I need to find it else where or should I hang around waiting because I rate the actual relationship highly even though time spent together is minimal?

we’ve already established that even when we live together he will have to stay at his parents every Wednesday and every other Sunday to take 8yo to school so even if I get him I’m already having 1-2 days a week without him.

Next week he is planning on doing ‘a weeks move in’ hes already said he isn’t going to move in after that so I now know I’m going to have to watch him go again although it will be harder as I’ll have had him everyday. I doubt I’ll react well to having him gone again...

Basically should I forgo my happiness to keep on waiting around feeling lonely to suit him because he should be at the ex’s beck and call due to 8yo and living with parents and seeing friends...? if not what’s the compromise...he can’t be here because of 8yo needing him (I think in the beginning he chose to see me instead to have the 8yo and that didn’t go down well understandably) I can’t be there because he lives with parents and nowhere for my kids to sleep if we went there and he won’t get his own place and I can’t move because my house is here kids schools etc... so, should I thank him for the wonderful time but say I need to find someone who wants to make a life with me. (I have done this before and it didn’t ‘make him realise he wanted me’) I’m making myself unhappy for his wants but he doesn’t give in. Then he’d be making himself unhappy for my wants and I don’t give in to letting it be that I’m last on the list of priorities and he may never live here...

So could someone give me any advise please? who should give? What should give? What should I do?

Thank you xx

@ajptaylor that’s lovely to know, thank you very much xx yes, very nice home - my home but we’ve done it up together and he is always here with her for the long weekend as she has her own clothes bed here etc at his parents she shares with my partner and has to bring things from her mums which the mum doesn’t like so ... yes... this rings true thank you so much xx

You arent compatible, and want different thinks.

Sounds yo me like he doesnt want to live with you. He likes the freedom he has now. He doesn't have to say where he's going and isn't accountable to anyone.

If his Ex gave him a hard time about that...He definitely will be weary about living with another woman. I can see the appeal in this for him.

Moving in with you also makes him kind off like the step dad. He may not want to live with 2 DC who aren't his on a daily basis..seeing your children more than he sees his own DD. It comes with added responsibility that he doesn't want.

He's happy with the current set up. If you want more ...you need to find someone else.

@sandyy2k yes!!! I’d not even thought about the step dad aspect!! So true!!
He actually wants more children but I can due to two eptopics and lost tubes ... I did have IVF but don’t think with mortgage and home improvement loan we’ll be able to do that (and obviously current circumstance) and you know what? That might also be a factor too ... he might be thinking if I commit the likelyhood of 10grand coming soonish and more children is unlikely too and I do know he really wanted more but have him it straight and we’ve stayed together so assumed he had just forgone that (shit - I’m an unconscious meany!!!!) im behinnning to think he deserves way better!!! He is so wonderful inside and outside!!

Don't get sucked into 'if it wasn't for this just one thing' way of thinking.

The poster who said you want a partner and he wants a gf was right, it's not a matter of who is right, you both are but your wants and needs aren't compatible.

It's time to let go of the fantasy and accept the reality of your relationship, which means a) accepting its limitations b) not accepting its limitations and becoming increasingly dissatisfied or b) ending the relationship.

I didn't realise he wanted more kids. I'm sorry you're unable to have any more.

You're right ...but he probably doesn't want to hurt you by saying this.

It's such a very sensitive issue.

You sound way more into him, then he is you.

I think you are asking him to choose between you and his daughter, his daughter should win.

You don't want the same things. You might as well accept it.

It sounds like he is doing nothing to try to think through the issue that’s bothering you and preventing your relationships progression.

It’s driving you mad and leaving you miserable, but it doesn’t make sense for you to move right now and it doesn’t make sense for him to be too far from his DD.

You are in a quandary and need to have a very honest conversation about exactly what you both want - kids, homes, expectation, everything.

You aren’t wrong for wanting what you want.

Sometimes, no it isn’t. If the practicalities are out of synch then it’s possible to love but for it not to be right for you or him at that time. To be honest OP what did you envisage would be the case, did you think he would move in and see his child say every other weekend ?? Was it discussed at any point when you became a regular item or has it kind of drifted?? If you can’t move and he won’t and won’t even say when he would and the current arrangement doesn’t suit you it would be better to accept this and move on , sad as it is

@sandyY2K thank you for kind words xx I’m quite fine with not having anymore ... I have a boy and a girl and I am totally happy with that and my beautiful ‘step daughter’ but I suppose this is going to come to an end and I want a Daddy as a partner as I can’t have more but, we are so far away from children obviously but I hadn’t thought and quite frankly it would be awful because he’d have a baby here and his baby an hour away and that may make step daughter feel pushed out and I’d never want that ... another reason in the end it column! Thank you for making me think outside of the box xx
Thank you @yetmorectap @atrociouscircumstance for more wise words. I tried to have the conversation but he said he wasn’t doing it tonight he’s been on a 5am-2pm shift ... I woke with him at 4am today and made him breakfast before he went off and I went back to bed and I’m shattered so he must be even more so bless him! I think he is having a sleep and then out to get stinking with his mate and then on a 2-10 tomorrow so I just said I hope he has fun and maybe we will talk next week... he said ok. He isn’t unreasonable and nor am I so I owe it that to give it the time to talk face to face properly! I suppose we have talked - he’s said he wants family life thing is I want it now ... he’d probably happily wait a year - and he isn’t willing to set a date ... we did before (January) but it never happened and actually, you’re right I don’t think I am wrong to want a partner in crime .. but yes, I don’t want to force him ... I owe him so much loveliness so why would I do that to someone I love? I truly love him which means I want him to be happy and, I don’t think I do that for him anymore as I’m being horrid because I’m lonely and blame him for leaving me alone 6 our of 7 nights and I shouldn’t!

Thank you everyone ... I’m gutted but pleased that I can read the really helpful comments through and know I’m doing the right thing!

You sound very demanding, very high maintenance, with a very high sex drive.
You need someone who can cope with that and also has a very high sex drive.

He doesn't. This isn't going to work. Deep down, you know this, right?

Seems like you’re both in different places right now. Could all change in a few years, when all your kids become more independent (happens overnight), or when his daughter is able to leave the house earlier to get to school (normal for secondary school). At the moment, his reticence speaks volumes and you are likely to push him away if you keep on at him, or otherwise end up feeling guilty about him not seeing his daughter as much as you see your kids. A question of how long you are happy to wait...

I think you just need to move closer to where he is and potentially move in together?

i don't think you're being very fair in all honesty. He's no different now to the man you met but you seem to be doing the old 'getting him to change to be perfect for me' routine. You also sound unreasonably jealous of the ex to be honest. He's content to have a bit of a spontaneous week working around his ex's timetable. That's not her evil charms working, that's his choice made freely for the benefit of his relationship with his daughter; I bet he thinks he's lucky he can have extra time with his daughter here and there. For whatever reason he's also chosen to live with his parents (FWIW I'd never date a mature guy who lives with his parents because it shows a lack of oomph - I dated two and neither were capable of getting their shit together). It sounds to me that he might be too easy going for you. It's a fundamental compatibility issue. You steaming ahead with your life plans that include him and structures his childcare timetable is probably coming across to him as a chore and a burden and he's probably starting to feel less attracted to you in all honesty. There's nothing worse than being dragged along by an enthusiastic partner in their life plans that you're not that thrilled about. Love and the good times buy a certain amount of tolerance but I bet he's starting to withdraw, I bet you have less fun as a couple because, for him, you're not fun anymore. His perspective of you will be becoming negative I expect. I know that's probably heartbreaking for you to read but stand in his shoes and see it from his values and priorities. He's the same guy you chose and now you're effectively trying to remould that very person.

Have you never found yourself in a relationship with someone overbearing and you feel compelled to do x, y, z? Extrapolate that feeling to a huge life change.

If it's not too late to salvage your relationship then you need to start listening to him and accept where he is in his life and what his priorities are and if you can't do that or don't want to do that then there's a tough decision to make I'm afraid.

With respect to his co parenting arrangement with his ex, you disapprove of it, saying you think it’d be good for his DD to have a more consistent routine and because you would like more time with your boyfriend. But HE seems content with it, and unwilling to change it.

I am not sure you are that compatible. I don't think it is unreasonable for your relationship to move to the next level, and I don't think he wants to.

You barely see him, it would not be enough for me either if I am honest. I would want date nights, time together much more often than once a week if we were serious (which it sounds like you are)

I would not move closer but would consider separating and going out with other men. Yes he has commitments in the shape of his dc, but you have needs too, and if he isn't able to meet them then you are wasting your time.

MilieJones

I don't think you're a monster or selfish, I think the problem is that he can't or won't make a romantic relationship also a priority in addition to being a parent. His priority is just being a parent so any romantic relationship he is in will fail.

Being a parent shouldn't be all someone's life consists of, it's unhealthy and unbalanced.

With how little he bothers to visit I doubt you moving closer is the solution, it doesn't sound like he feels as strongly about you as you do him otherwise...you'd see him more...it's that simple really.

Nothing wrong with wanting family life but if he doesn't then you don't have right or reason to force it. His ideas on what happens in his life are what will drive his decisions and rightly so. You don't want an unwilling resentful partner. Sounds like you need to look for a great guy who wants what you want. Agree with pp who mentioned living at parents being a bit of a ... flag (not red flag but some kind of mild and wishy washy flag) nothing wrong with it but not what I'd want in my OH.

I don't want it to sound harsh but you seem to want him to mould into your life, your house with your children where you live. If you want him to leave his DD to come to you, would you leave your children to go to him?

You having a high sex drive IMO is not a good enough reason for him not to parent his daughter?

The living with his parents isn't great but financially he may not have many options after a split.

With regard to having his daughter at the drop of a hat, personally I think this is commendable, something to be proud of him for. If he doesn't have her, who will? And as a parent, why would you not want to spend more time with your child - could you imagine how you would feel if your children's father was around and you only saw your children part time? If for any reason your ex couldn't have the children, would you expect him to sort out other childcare because you would prioritise seeing your new boyfriend - I would be surprised if you would

gosh, i dont think a woman articulating what she needs to make her happy and thinking about whether she has now can become that is incredibly demanding at all.esp if the conclusion is probably not.
good luck op.

@ajptaylor thank you so much ... I’m quite shocked at how harsh the comments have been... I understand we need to break up ... I have devoted a lot of time to this relationships (2+years) and he was still living with ex when I met him and I was very accepting of this situation and I was sensible that I didn’t let him move in then ...
I bought my house to be nearer him (we were 2hrs away, now 1hr away) with the idea that, given that I need support with kids as their dad isn’t around we would eventually live together and he would be 1hr from his family and me, 1hr from mine. I did that and we did the house up now..... fast forward all this time and the house finally (!!!!) being completed I feel that I’m not demanding - I am simply moving on the relationship and our plans ... I feel I have adapted for our relationship and now the next, planned phase I see due - we finished the house for jan and the plan was he moved in and do since then, when that didn’t happen, yes, I admittedly have been very upset and hurt that it didn’t go to plan but, totally accept it would be hard for him to move 1hr from daughter ...
anyway ... it hasn’t happened - our plan didn’t happen and I’ve waited a good few years and kept very accepting and loving and we do love each other but I am now, ready for us to follow through on our plans as, life is taking over and we are becoming quite distant and as that isn’t happening yes, I will have to break this off but it is very hard. I hope everyone who has called me some horrid things, whilst allowed your opinion can see that this is a loving relationship and I do, love him so much and his daughter but the tile has come for us to separate and now, 2+ years later our wants and needs are different! Thank you all and for those with gentle yet frank words - I thank you very much - those who were harsh - I am a real person please be kind :) xxx

His daughter is his priority as it should be. If you can't handle that then move on but don't make him feel guilty about that!

Try and ignore the harsh words and insults. There can be a huge lack of sensitivity, diplomacy and empathy here at times.

It's easy to do that online unfortunately.