Don’t know what to do anymore.

[19lottie82]

I’ve been with my DH for almost 8 years now, married for just over 3. He has 2 teens who live with us 50% of the time, I’m not super close with them but we get on fine and they’re good kids.

For the past year he’s slept in the spare room as he snores a lot of the time.
Our sex life is non existent (I’m guessing the 2 are at least partially linked!). In the past yeah we’ve had sex twice but I always feel like he’s been pressured into it. Both times have been when we have been away for the night in a hotel so there’s been an expectation there IYSWIM.
He’s been on anti depressants which I guess might have something to do with it. He says he still fancies me but I don’t know if it’s due to the depression / medication or if he just doesn’t think of me like that anymore. I did find testosterone tablets in his wash bag and he said he was taking them to try and boost his sex drive so we could get the connection back again.

He also has a history of drinking in secret, think about a half bottle of vodka at a Time. He’s been caught or admitted it to me about three times in the last few years Last night he came in and I knew he’d had a stressful week and I could tell straight away he’d been drinking. He denied it at first but finally admitted it. It’s not a contestant problem but I feel like it’s there whenever he’s stressed! He’s been to AA meetings before but they petered out as he way busy with work blah blah.

He is a good man deep down and I know he loves me and I love him, most of the time we get along great and enjoy each other’s company but I just don’t know what to do anymore. A lot of the time it feels like we are friends and not husband and wife.
I got an inheritance a year ago which was a good amount. The mortgage (house in my name is paid off) and I have a decent amount of savings. If we did split I really don’t think he would try to take half, but the worry is there. However, i would give him a decent amount to set up a new place for him and his kids.

I’m 36 now and we always talked about having a baby which is obviously off the cards at the moment! I’m not sure maternal but now I feel like my bio clock is ticking and I don’t want to wake up in 5 or 10 years time and realise my time has passed and I’ve missed the boat.

Basically I want us to feel like a husband and wife again and not have to worry that he’s turning to the bottle when he’s stressed! Part of me thinks we can’t go on like this but then the other part thinks I still love him (as I said he is a good man, he’s generous, kind and not controlling or abusive in any way) and I’d be a total mess without him.

Sorry for the rant!

PS realistically I can’t see me leaving him in the immediate future as I do love him, but I just feel so down about things and panic about the future.

You are in a very difficult situation. At 36, you do not have many more fertile years left, so if you want a baby you would need to start trying fairly soon. But do you really think a depressed alcoholic is a good choice to father that child? Are you happy to spend the rest of your life only having sex a couple of times a year if you’re lucky? Of him lying about his drinking?
You need to weigh up your options and make a tough decision - whether to commit to this chap and hope he sorts out his considerable problems, or bail out now and try to find a better partner for life, risking that you might not.
I think only you can make that call - you know your partner, we don’t.
Sorry that isn’t more helpful - all we can do on here is delineate the question and options.

Thanks Babdoc

Do I really want a baby? I’m not even sure.
Part of me thinks yes the other part no. Maybe I’m just starting to panic as I’m getting older. Although obviously if I was to get pregnant I’m sure I would be delighted.

I think maybe I could be more supportive and I could make more of an effort. For example I let him sleep in the other room 95% of the time as he goes to bed early as he’s up early for work, and I like to stay up late and watch TV. We should both make more of an effort in that department, I know that. The snoring isn’t a constant problem, sometimes it’s worst than others.

Also the times he’s come to me and expressed that he’s been drinking because he’s stressed, I tend to shut down on him as I feel angry, when I know I should be supporting him especially when he’s come to me.

I don’t know if we would benefit from counselling, both as a couple and him alone. His parents are emotionally abusive, horrible people who take advantage of him and treat him terribly. He should really go NC with them but I don’t think that will happen and I think this is where a lot of his guilt / stress comes from.

You’re right it is a tough descision. I wish I could click my fingers and we could both be happier. I also feel like I made vows to him so owe it to him to give it my best shot as I do love him.

Has he tried therapy for depression? (As in talking to someone, not medication)

No. He hasn’t.
We have a good life on paper, I think he just struggles dealing with his ex wife (and the knock on effect of guilt he feels with his kids) and also with his parents. His M+F really are horrible people and I’m sometimes shocked at how they treat him and emotionally manipulate him.

Abusive parents, guilt over a divorce and children, difficulties in his current relationship and urge to drink when in an emotional difficulty... I think he would benefit from talking to someone about how he deals with difficult emotions and how he communicates his emotional needs, at least.

Hi I’m so sorry you going through this but I have to be honest - you don’t even have kids yet and it sounds miserable. It’s going to be SO much worse if you have kids - it’s hard work ( although totally joyous) - and will definitely drive you apart not being you together if he is still behaving like this. At 36 you need to be selfish and find someone better to have kids with who doesn’t have all these issues! Sorry! I had to do the same thing at 36/37 and leave my fiancé and was best thing I ever did!!! ( and he wasn’t even half as bad as your dp) good luck!!

Sorry but I agree with toddler. If you want dc- and you really sound like you do - then you have to deal with this now, it won't wait. You've already had a year of sleeping apart, relationship deteriorating. Whatever it's like on paper, that's the reality. You have precious little time left to waste. That part of you that thinks no about having dc is trying to protect you from heartache if it doesn't happen - the fact you'd be delighted if you were pregnant belies that. But I wouldn't get pregnant with your dh, for all the reasons in pp's. You'd be better off making a clean break and having a baby alone if needs be. Or with a new committed partner ideally, but that's out of your hands. You sound very smart and self aware, so you need to take control now instead of fearing the future. If you already had dc or didn't want them, maybe you could afford to let this dwindle on, but I feel if you do that now and lose your chance to start afresh, you'll deeply regret it.

What do you get out of this relationship now, apart from perhaps having your own codependent needs met here?. What more can you do here, actually nothing. How could HE be more supportive and make more effort; he has not kept up AA, self medicates with alcohol and testosterone pills and will not go to the doctors but seems quite happy therefore for you to look after him and his teenage children.

Do not bring a baby into this toxic mix; thankfully you are not going to do that. I also do not think that you would be a total mess without him either. I think you would go onto thrive.

I would also agree with toddler here; this marriage sounds absolutely miserable and this man is not wanting to work on his issues at all. He is probably also self medicating depression with drink but alcohol itself is a depressant.

Re your comment:-
"I also feel like I made vows to him so owe it to him to give it my best shot as I do love him"

You owe it to him, where did that sense of obligation come from?.
He made those vows to you as well. You do not owe anyone a relationship, least of all him primarily because he has you as his emotional crutch as well as someone to take care of his kids.

Re your comment:-
" I’m not sure maternal but now I feel like my bio clock is ticking and I don’t want to wake up in 5 or 10 years time and realise my time has passed and I’ve missed the boat".

That could all too easily happen particularly if you remain with your H. He does not want to address any of his myriad of issues.