If you struggle socially but want to make friends, how do you keep putting yourself out there?

[Daxter]

I've never had any friends. Whenever I try to meet new people, I'm always on the edge of things. I never fit in. I always end up listening to other people have conversations. Even at work, I'm left out and always the last to be told anything. I've never had much confidence and I feel like it's getting worse every time I try something social and it doesn't work out.

I know most people see me as weird but plenty of weird people have friends. There's nothing drastically wrong with me.

How do you keep on trying with social things and convincing yourself that maybe this time it'll be different? I feel so alone and unlikeable, I feel like it'd be better for me to just give up trying. Has anybody persevered and had things turn out well?

Hello, I’m exactly the same but I’ve found out I’m on the autistic spectrum which is why I always feel I’m on the edge of the group and unliked.
I have come to terms with being introverted and friends can mean a lot of effort. I’m lucky in that I have a few very good friends who I don’t see often but I can talk to whenever. I’m with my son 24/7 so can’t really get out much but have you tried joining a club or something?

Start with one area of your life and concentrate on that.

Is there anyone at work whose confidence and ability to get on with people you admire? Not someone who's in a clique, but someone who gets along with pretty much everyone. What do they do around people that you could emulate? I'm not suggesting outright copying them, because people will notice and that might will come across as a little bit strange, but what is it about them that people seem to like? Do you have any of those traits?

What are the things about you that are positive? Are you funny? Kind? A good listener? An organiser? Could you volunteer for something that would get you talking to different people? Be it a cake sale at work or a few hours a week in Barnados.

What are your hobbies? Have you looked into joining any groups, classes or on line forums to do with them?

Other than that, the only things I can suggest are to be yourself, recognise and respect boundaries and remember that weird is good; it would be a very boring place if none of us were weird.

What kind of friendship do you think you would like?

My dsis is similar and she used some advice from supporting those with autism as good self help. The idea is to choose an activity where there is a joint objective. She became a volunteer for a lowland search team. It involved being in a team where everyone has a role & all work together. They trained together regularly as a team. Conversation, teamwork, group achievement, lack of tension, other people realising her worth even though she's not great at instigating it herself. It took about 6 months but now she has a group of friends who understand and value her.
The other one I've seen was an effort locally to help a family whose home was smoke damaged. Friend's awkward, 3 left feet son spent a week helping out and it did the same. Great for his confidence too
And you aren't weird. If your work colleagues don't include you in their conversation when you are right there, I don't think much of their manners or their social skills.

First, try not to talk about yourself in terms of black-and-white "always", "never", etc. for example rather saying "I'm usually on the edge of things. I feel like I don't fit in and often end up listening to other people have conversations." A lot of people mention "volunteering" as a way to get in touch with new people around a common goal, that could be something to consider. Shorter courses is probably more difficult, and people don't tend to become friends with workmates these days (or so I've read). How do you know that people see you "as weird", as you say, have they said so or are you just guessing? They probably don't have time to contemplate whether or not you're weird or not, but rather see you as someone on the very periphery of their contact list, thinking you must have other friends or relatives. If you have relatives (siblings, cousins, second cousins) you could try to see them more, that could be one way out.

I've volunteered and joined groups and done courses and all of that. It's just how to keep trying with it when it doesn't work out? When do you just call it a day because it's upsetting? I'm sure there must be somebody somewhere who'd like me and want to spend time with me but I'm not sure it's worth continuing to look for them.

Not 100% sure what you mean by type of friendship but I'd like to meet somebody who likes doing similar things to me and would like to spend a bit of time with me. An escape room has opened locally and I wish I had somebody I could ask if they'd like to go but I really have nobody. Family are fine but they all have their own friends and I wish I did too.

Do you have any other hobbies besides going to an escape room? (Being locked into a room is a bit too daunting, for me, even if I know it's just a funny game.) Have you tried joining a book club for instance? I'm sure there must be one on Mumsnet, a virtual book club, for starters.

I'm the same, I have friends from school who I see a few times a year, but none locally. I'm terrified of having to talk to new people and have found that if I go to grow there are already cliques and I feel left out.

I used to be the same. In the end I realised I had social anxiety issues and depression. I talked to my gp and was given antidepressants which also help with anxiety. I used to lay awake for a week thinking what may or may not happen when I would meet someone. Since the antidepressants I immediately had a change, started feeling calmer. Its been a year since I have been on them, and I am not depressed, I don't have mood swings, and I have developed a lovely circle of friends. When I meet new people I don't freak out anymore and if someone approaches me I actually talk to them lol Drugs are not the solution to everything, but talking to a gp but bran idea to discover if there are any underlying issues. Feeling a bit uncomfortable around others or preferring solitude is normal, having panic attacks at the thought of speaking to someone (like I did), not so much

Also every group or clique has one person that is more social, a "leader" of sorts, a social butterfly. If you become friendly with this person then she/he will introduce to other people aswell

Watch the behaviours of confident, charming, friendly people closely, and replicate them is my best advice. You don't have to pretend to be someone else - simply watch what they do, learn from it, and try out similar things yourself, in a way that feels natural for you.

100% fake confidence - behave as if you have no reason whatever to assume you WON'T have millions of friends. Most people take that at face value, and it puts them at their ease - in general, always try to put others at ease.

I've tried all sorts of groups and classes, some for things that I'm into and some for things that I'm not but the time/location was convenient. I'm running out of things to try and every time I try something and it doesn't work out, it knocks my confidence.

I've Googled every combination of making friends, meeting people, [things that I like] and [my area] so I suppose I knew that there's no answer to how to build real life friendships from nothing if you don't fit into groups. I guess I'll just try to accept things as they are. Thanks for your suggestions.

Whatever you do, try to find something where you meet the same people for eight occasions or more, and where there is also some unscheduled time where you get to talk to the others, chit-chat. A class isn't so good, people are too focused on the subject matter and not always open for chit-chat.

I feel your pain - I volunteer and do loads through that, but I never make friends, just meet nice people who I get on with doing that thing.
I'm certainly the one that will be asked to do (and willingly do) registration, make cakes, serve teas, organise an event, fundraise, but no one would ever ring to say 'hey, I saw this thing and wondered if you'd like to come with me'.

"I'm sure there must be somebody somewhere who'd like me and want to spend time with me"

Yes! So don't give up, unless you want a break from it all.

I will go against the grain and say that small groups may not be the answer to this - there is sometimes a dynamic that leaves one person on the edge. And as I have learned from mn, lots of potential for shifting alliances, exclusion, hurt etc, further down the line. One to one friendships may be simpler!

On the other hand a group is normally the way you meet people in the first place. I think what I would suggest is join something with a very large group - running club, Park Run, a large community choir - but preferably something you enjoy! Then don't rush in to trying to make friends, but just keep going, get a feel for people, strike up conversations and see if you spot anyone you think you might gel with. Keep on with the casual conversation and then, eventually, suggest a very minor meet up - coffee beforehand, for instance. I think the key is to let things happen slowly.

I second the advice of pandarific. That's how I learnt to get on with people better. I also read, 'How to win friends and influence people'.

If you are a parent, there are often mum friendship pages on Facebook. My local one is called mummy buddies (I'm in essex). People post on there almost like you would a dating site. The most successful posts I have seen on there are ones where people are really honest about who they are and what sort of friend they are looking for.

I often see posts where people open up about how hard they find it meeting new people, and how they feel really alone. Then tons of people reply saying how they feel exactly the same and find it all so difficult too.

If you are my area I will happily be your friend. I love the sound of escape rooms, and I can be terribly awkward too.

Perhaps the best thing... not to put too much on pressure on yourself and let things happen organically. It is better to a few good friends and acquaintances through work and perhaps hobbies. I have being playing golf for the last 3 years and meet a lot of nice people. Pursue the hobbies you love and everything falls into place. It takes time and effort. And by the way, I am an introvert. Good luck!

I don't have kids. I hang around here because I'd like them and I had hoped it was something that'd work out in the near future. I've noticed that a lot of stories of not having friends mention kids, partners and friends from school/university/work. They're not true stories of having nobody. I think that might be why the 'join groups and it'll happen' stuff just doesn't work for me. Most people have some social skills or past experiences of friendship to build on. I've had absolutely no friends since I was 10-years-old, never had a relationship, I am uncomfortable around people and people notice that.

Op it sounds like you have a very negative view of yourself. Maybe this comes across to other people when you’re trying to engage them.

Try a bit of reverse psychology with this. What is it you would look for in an ideal friend? Someone to listen to you? Spend time with you doing things you like? Someone to listen to you when you’ve had a bad day? Coffees, drinks, nights out...etc?

Now be honest and see if you would be that type of friend back to someone. Are you a good listener yourself? Do you ask people questions about themselves in a friendly manner in order to get to know them? Are you up for going along to outings or are you someone that regularly says no to things for various reasons?

Do you think your negative view of yourself holds you back in social situations? If so then it’s time to start changing how you view yourself and start being more positive when it comes to social interaction.

It starts with the littlest of things. A PP said something about making a cake and taking it into work. This is a great idea as you’ll be generating a social situation where people will gravitate towards you - give out a slice of cake for someone to try, tell them it’s a new recipe you’ve come up with and you’d like their thoughts, start chatting, let the chatting develop. Little ice breakers like this go a long way towards starting friendships. If you do little things like this regularly in lots of different settings, not just work you’ll start to build relationships with people. People will become touched by your warmth and generosity and will want to get to know you.

Friendships are about give and take. You reap what you sow. All the best op.

Here's a story about as you mention having nobody around (almost) and it's Emily White's book Lonely about the author trying to understand why she felt so disconnected from everyone, and her other follow-up book Countmein about developing a community. I've only read the first one but it puts the finger right on the spot of being circumstantially lonely (which means that circumstances or chance has put you in a position where you don't actually know all that many people - small family, no kids, small workplace, living far away from those few you know etc. etc.) The first book was much talked about when it came out.

Here's another good one by Debrah Fine, The fine art of small talk, about conversation and how to start a conversation with people you don't know that well. A real masterpiece in that regard, a good read (or even better as an audio book).

The cake-thing mentioned might work in some situations, I've seen it work and put in practice by a very social but new co-worker.

"...going along to outings or are you someone that regularly says no to things..." It does require that you are actually invited to some things sometimes. If you only get one offer a year, and is then perhaps invited in the very last minute, and by some work mate because you don't know anybody else, and it's an invitation to the entire department, then it's not so much to go on or work from. When the only people who call you on the phone are salespeople trying to part you from your money. When the only letters you receive are bills.

I believe you can ask people friendly questions for years, but you're always seen by them as someone peripheral, nice perhaps, but on the periphery of their network, and their lives are full of other people they rather spend their time with... they answer politely but as soon as the conversation has ended you're no longer on their mind.

Most psychologists answering letters in the papers, about loneliness, seems to think there are always old friendships you can revive, friendships that died off some 5-10-15 years ago, or that you have a constant flow of invitations from friends and relatives that you actually turn down. There is very little about how to address the situation of circumstantial loneliness (except things written about elderly people, 80+, where a lot of people end up in that situation, without friends or living relatives and with no social network to speak of.)

I'm with Azadewow on this one - sounds like you ned to do something about your anxiety and lack of self-esteem. I had the same eye-opeing experience on anti-depressants - suddenly discovering how easy it is when you don't double-think every single thing you or anyone else says. I hadn't realised other people didn't do that the whole time :) Counselling could also be a path to take in your case.

I know the comments about what you should do better or differently are well meant, and probably useful for some, but your problem is feeling down about yourself and as if you are doing it all wrong. Reading about how to do it "better" can be depressing as a) it makes your own efforts look crap and b) if your self-esteem is bad you just think you won't be able to do any of it / do any of it right.

Are you quite young? Personally it took me until my mid-20s to feel slightly less shit about myself (this was long before I got any outside help). What did help me then was becoming an English conversation tutor. This is something you can do as long as you can speak a language :) - you can do short courses to help you learn. And basically, in a lesson you are in charge, you have a plan for what you are going to do / talk about. You can go off-piste if you feel confident but always have the plan to fall back on. And they get language skiils while you get social skills.

If you do find yourself cringing/crying after social events because you feel you failed or came across badly, it really would help to speak to your GP though. (Though that in itself can take persistence as you don't always get the help you need first time.)