Am I expecting too much?

[peanutpie05]

Okay it's a familiar scenario ... I expect so many women can relate to 'He used to make and effort but then we got married/moved in together and then the romance stopped' story.

But am I being unreasonable here. It has been going on an awful long time now and, despite my having brought this up quite a few times, I fear things are not going to improve.

A few examples for you ....
When we got married, he was happy to go along with the most low key option (registry office - couple of witnesses). He never spoke of the impending wedding, had no interest, didn't say anything particularly nice to me on the day (like 'you look nice'!). No gift, no token gestures ... you get the picture.

2 of my children I have given birth to in hospital all on my own because he had to stay at home with the other children. So on both occasions I go into hospital on my own, go through labour to produce a beautiful child ... he comes back to get me and NOTHING. No hug, no kiss, no 'well done' no NOTHING.

These examples are synonymous with our relationship.

My husband isn't arrogant, rude, nasty, violent or anything like that. But he is just about the most thoughtless person I know. And NO he wasn't like that when we met.

Years have gone by (11 to be precise). 11 pretty miserable years ... and I've desperately hoped he might show me some affection or do someting nice for me (I try to do nice things for him ... though it can be difficult as I always have my 4 young children in tow).

At every turn I am faced with people (family/friends) who tell me how their loved ones have done lovely things for them.

I feel so lonely and so sad ... sometimes I wish I had someone else ... just because I so miss someone being kind and romantic towards me.

I would never be unfaithful and I do not want to split up the marriage for the sake of the children ... I have spoken to him about this many times ... but he just buries his head in the sand ... nothing changes

I don't see any way out of this miserable situation ...

Any advice/comments gratefully received.

Peanut, so sorry for you. Have you talked to him about how you feel? I guess you must have after all this time. What does he say? Only you know what you want to do and how much you value the relationship and whether you could cope without him.

I can't comment, as such, because I have never been in your situation. I think you should tell him that his thoughtlessness is now becoming a big problem for your relationship and that, as a couple, you need to do something about it. Maybe counselling?

I don't think you are expecting too much. Hopefully someone will be along with better advice soon but this will keep it bumped for you. Good luck.

I can't help but think that this must be terrible for your self esteem. Counselling would be a really good idea, and if he doesn't value enough to even entertain the idea then I think you have some thinking to do

Thanks for your replies. I know - it's hard to know what to do. I have made it very clear that the way he acts is really destructive to our relationship ... and to me. He even once said .. 'oh ... I'm sorry ... I'm useless'.

But does he ever make any effort ... nope.

I somtimes think this must be it for me. I will not break up the family ... so I guess I have to just accept this is the way it will be for me.

I would just love some happiness in my life ...

My children are great - but there is no substiture for a partner/husband that loves you and shows it.

xpp05

Peanut, you deserve better than that. Everyone does. Could you at least try the counselling before accepting that 'this is it'?

pp05 he's a bloke, they don't think. Don't take it to heart, i'm sure he loves you, just has no idea how to show you. Why not try a night away just you two. Book it, then tell him. Oh I wish you all the happiness. men are so crap at thinking about us ladies sometimes. Take the upper hand and lead him. He'll follow, he loves you.

is it possible he doesn't actually know exactly what you want? how about giving him a list of things eg. once a day, give me a hug. once a month, bring me flowers. i know it sounds like a wierd suggestion, but it could be that from his point of view he doesn't actually know how to change and some concrete suggestions might help.

when did he stop being loving?

I f you wont leave him then there isn't much you can do as I think that will be your only bargaining tool. Sad as that sounds what else can you threaten him with to make him change.

I personally couldn't be in a relationship with no affection. Your children will grow up thinking this is normal, your boys that this is how they should treat a woman, your girls that this is normal way tobe treated by a man.

Hmmm, what is he like otherwise? Is he a thoughtful person? Does he show affection to you in his way? (By doing things for you? By being cuddly?)

Is he a good father?

What does he care about in life?

It sounds like you have some very strong expectations for how he should show his appreciation for you, and maybe those ways aren't natural to him?

Does he come from an undemonstrative family? These things can be hard to break.

Thanks again for all the replies. Bandofmothers .... you raise a very good point. I was wondering myself only yesterday that this is not a good example to set our daughters. On the upside my husband does hug the children ... as do I (he just never hugs me!)

Notquitecockney - Sadly he show no thought towards me ... no cuddles ...

If I have raised this issue with him and got upset (which I can't help ... I am hurt)then a day or two later he might be ever so slightly more interested in making conversation with me but it doesn't last more than a day or so.

When we met - we lived some distance from each other. He used to make very long journeys to come and see me and would take me out, buy me small gifts etc. When we were apart during the week he would buy these sweet cards and write little thoughtful letters to me saying how much he loved me. I don't think he has told me he loves me in 8 or 9 years.

Very soon after I moved here to live with him he stopped bothering.

He's the sort of person that does what he wants to do ... what suits him and doesn't really take much else into consideration.

He is a caring father and so I can't complain about that.

My family thinks the sun shines out of his backside ... because they see this mild mannered man who supports his family and doesnt drink etc etc.

They don't see the fact that he makes me so unhappy though

I just dont know what to do ... and I'm not sure that there is an answer to this situation

Have you tried hugging him? If yes, does he pull away or does he hug you back?
My husband has to be told as well, and constantly be reminded. He is the sweetiest and most considerate man in the world, but he has an academic glue brain and I have the common sense brain in our family.
If you have a family calendar that he also uses, you should try to put some random dates in there, saying remember to buy wifie flowers and give her a hug, tell wifie that you still love her, things like that might make it easier for him. Honestly my husband does love me, it is just with the kids, he tends to forget to tell me, and I do sometimes forget to tell him as well.

pp05 - you poor thing, must be horrible for you. The only suggestion that makes any sense to me is to leave him. It's one thing expecting wild romantic gestures but everyone needs to be shown affection. You deserve to be with someone who does this and if he can't/won't I don't really see any other option. The fact that he is not a violent alcoholic or whatever is not reason to stay with him. You need to be happy, for your children as well as yourself, and you clearly aren't. Sorry but this is the only suggestion I think there is.

pp05 - you poor thing, must be horrible for you. The only suggestion that makes any sense to me is to leave him. It's one thing expecting wild romantic gestures but everyone needs to be shown affection. You deserve to be with someone who does this and if he can't/won't I don't really see any other option. The fact that he is not a violent alcoholic or whatever is not reason to stay with him. You need to be happy, for your children as well as yourself, and you clearly aren't. Sorry but this is the only solution I think there is.

I found myslef guilty of some of this behaviour recently towards dh. A lot of it stemmed from the fact he had done some things to hurt me and I just couldn't be bothered any more so just failed to engage with him on many levels. I decided to think of 5 things every day I could say to him when I got home from work and now try to do that every day. Would that work for your dh?

For most of the time ... I pretty much hide my dissapointment/sadness and just get on with stuff. I'm sure he knows exactly how I feel underneath though because every now and then I allow the feelings to surface and tell him how much he upsets me and why. I have spoken to him about this is great detail so there is no way he is unaware of precisely what the problem is.

I agree, it appears to only solution would be to leave him but that is not an option whilst the children are young ... because despite my inner sadness ... things run farily smoothly in the house when we are all together.

I'm wondering whether I should write a letter to him. I've never done that before but maybe it would give hime something more concrete to work with.

Don't quite know where to start though ... I'm not really a deep and meaningful letter person?!?!

peanut maybe that is a good idea - you have expressed yourself very well on this thread and helped us to understand your situation so maybe it would help with your dp too - certainly it is better to something than nothing?

I understand why you feel you can't leave him so at least writing a letter is trying to make the situation change

Good luck x

Peanut I think a letter is a great idea. And as he is a man, I would suggest writing things in a specific way like

I would like it if you did XX at least XX often because when you don't it makes me feel XX

Just a thought. Good luck