Hi all,
I'm new here. I'm not married but have been with other half for 6+years. Last year we talked about getting engaged and things were the best they had ever been. He even brought the ring.
To cut a long a story short he started becoming really close to a female colleague, she would constantly send him msgs and in my gut I knew something wasnt right. To put my insecurities at ease I met her and thought I was being silly. Fast forward a few months and she sends him a pic of her in her underwear i see it because I snooped through his email (he saved it and emailed it to himself)and went mad and told him to cut off contact. He assured me they were just friends and she flirts outrageously with everyone. However since the beginning of the year he started going hot and cold and saying he didnt know if he wanted to stay with me or get married. This week shit hit the fan, I went to his work and saw them two leaving together, i didnt hear from him the whole weekend and when I eventually did he admitted they have been sleeping together (at work and her flat) and she has told him she loves him. He stays at her place and they seem to act like a couple. I was floored, even though I had suspicions I didnt think this affair was going on. On top of this he has been abusing cocaine and alcohol, smokes constantly and admits he is depressed. He has been signed off from work and said his mind isnt clear and he isnt thinking right. I believe this because I know this isnt the man I have known for all this time. He said he hasnt been coping for a while and he liked being in her company. After the affair was exposed he was apologetic but reverted back to 'my head is a mess and I need to sort everything out.' Forgot to add he is also in debt, has no savings and is working in a dead end job. I understand all of these stresses and have said I want him to get better and that we can try but deep down I don't know if I should or if I want to. This has been going on for 3 months whilst he told he needed space to sort himself out but really he was getting closer to her. Ive seen msgs in his phone of him telling his friends that his heart is with me and he will finish with the OW but he never did. Sometimes I would hear from him, sometimes I wouldnt. which wasnt like him at all but I know now that is of his own guilt. He says he knows he has ruined everything and I will never look at him the same, which seems like he has already given up. But what he is saying is true. I was cheated on before and they didnt sleep together but I still left.
Does anyone have any advice about this? I am not married yet and keep thinking that I could start fresh. I am 29. Also to add our realtionship has been unhealthy for a while - i used to check his email and social media, spying has become a compulsion. I am glad I have uncovered the truth but is this what all men do? Or is it me? I am going to therapy but can't decide whether i should put this behind me or atleast try to forgive. If I do, I should have stayed with my ex because he is much more together and apologetic. He was my first love.
I havent told many people about this because they all love him and I dont want to tarnish any hope that we may have. I feel like I have PTSD and maybe I am in denial. Even after it was exposed he still can't tell OW its over (and seems to be seeking solace in her) or tell me that it is what he wants. He is concentrating on his mental health and I am trying to be sympathetic but I cant wait around, I have to live my life too...