Is this unecessarily nasty?

[Beelzebop]

Thanks, I need perspective. Mine doesn't exist anymore. I am struggling with what I feel is a lack of kindness and warmth towards me from my DH. I don't know if you'd go as far as emotional abuse but I can't tell. This tiny, ridiculous incident sums it up for me . DH has an earlier alarm than me. When his alarm went off this morning he thought it was mine, so was trying to wake me up. Fair enough. However he couldn't so achieved this by jabbing me in the back painfully telling me to switch my fucking alarm off. This is the stuff I mean, should be a non issue. I imagine that most couples would not have acted this way. I genuinely try to talk to him, tell him how I feel and I get an apology. The apologies always have a but..or I'm sorry but you.. They don't feel like apologies. I feel sad.

The apologies aren't apologies because he is genuinely sorry for whatever happened; they're to shut you up. Any apology that comes with a "but" on the end is nonsense.

It's not normal to give someone a painful shove to get them to do what you want. Not even a little bit.

I said that I didn't feel that he showed me he cared. He said "well I show you how I care , just not in ways you want". I just feel like I'm not cherished. I keep thinking about that word in our wedding ceremony. I really don't feel cherished. I didn't want to feel like this . I can't seem to get anywhere though. Apparently I go on all the time. I don't. But I have been saying recently that I don't like things. Thanks for replying.

I ask him if he thinks other husband's are like this and his reply was something like, well if other wives are like this yes. And that's when I left the house. I'm sat in a car park now like a fool. I'm waiting till he goes to work. And the sad thing is there'll be no apology.

I ask him if he thinks other husband's are like this and his reply was something like, well if other wives are like this yes. No Beelze, they aren't all like that. Your H is not a nice man. All marriages and relationships go through stages where one or the other might not feel cherished, or feels a little taken for granted. That's normal. But it doesn't sound like he even likes you, let alone cherishes you. Has he always been like this? And, more importantly, is this the first time he's ever physically hurt you?

DH has an earlier alarm than me

So he knows this, yet still used it as an excuse to have a pop at you?

I know you don't think the is emotional abuse I but think it IS.

All the 'but you said's etc, he's just turning everything back on you.

Apparently I go on all the time. I don't

Gaslighting.

I wouldn't bother waiting for an apology. Sorry.

jabbing me in the back painfully telling me to switch my fucking alarm off
This is horrible and not normal.

You poor thing, what a nasty git he sounds, purposely hurting you in the back; he'd be out the back door if he did that to me, please release yourself from this bully, he sounds neither kind or loving, it's not much to ask for and there are men out there that WILL cherish you.

Two things I think.

I can't say I've ever wished to feel "cherished". That feels a tad claustraphobic to me, and well not day to day life. You should feel confident you're loved though and be able to take occassional arguments and grumpiness in a relationship.

As for the poking uou in thr back. Was he trying to hurt you? Did he genuinely think it was yours? Could he have asked nicely at first? I will admit occassionally when my husbands goes off,if he doesn't wake up I might give him a swift but gentle kickand say grumpily, ffs switch your alarm off. He wouldn't claim to be abused and state he didn't feel cherished in response then go rushing out the house all upset. He'd roll over,mutter he was doing it, and switch it off. That's fairly normal.

So maybe there is more wrong in your relationship?

I can't believe folk think it's ok to stab each other in the back and other body parts, Jesus, so disrespectful, regardless.

Sorry Blunt, cherish is just a word I picked, it means loving, caring, kindness to me, none of the things the OPs partner sounds.

If my partner jabbed me in the back painfully I sure would see it as abuse/violence and do you know why, cos there's absolutely no fucken reason for it.

Thanks so much for all your responses. It has suddenly dawned on me that multiple people are bullying me. I am having to go to court to even get paid. I wanted to do the freedom programme but I can't afford online and the nearest one seems to be miles away. Recently I must admit I have been thinking "I wouldn't act like that". I think my eyes are opening.

I was ready to ask if the problem is just that he's grumpy when woken up, but then I saw this:

He said "well I show you how I care , just not in ways you want".

Well, now, that's a problem. You do have to show your partner that you care in ways they want to be in a successful relationship. Hell, you have to do that to get along with a pet cat.

Geekymummy, that's exactly what i thought as he said it to me. I've tried to talk but he goes into silent upset mode or a variation on the theme. I've got so many battles on so many fronts at the moment I could do without this!