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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this my life now?

13 replies

Macaronibaloni · 16/03/2018 09:44

So I managed to end a pretty rubbish relationship but nothing has improved.

Seeing as he's the father of my DD I now seem to feel like I'm in exactly the same position except from not living together. If I say the slightest thing wrong I get constant phone calls shouting down the phone calling me a shit mum threatening to post stuff about me on social media, all of this is done in front of his work colleagues or family but they all seem to just let him go on his rants (it honestly feels like he's got some sort of personality disorder sometimes you just can't get through to him). Even if I hang up on him he'll keep ringing or start texting and then I get worried that he'll turn up at the house. If we are arguing in person he will start recording me and then make fun of me when I stop talking or if I cry because he's been calling me every name under the sun he calls me attention seeking (likes to call me a whore, skank slut - even though I have never cheated and not spoke to or been with another man since we split up).

I did at one point tell him that he couldn't see DD because I had made arrangements and he decided two days before that he wanted her, I told him no because I've made arrangements you can't just click your fingers and have her and then he starts on me with the your trying to stop me seeing my daughter I'm going to post all over social media and I'm going to slit your tyres so you can't go anywhere with her (and eventually I cancelled my plans and let him have her so that I didn't have the embarrassment of it being broadcasted). After this incident I said I didn't feel comfortable him having her for more than a couple of hours on his own because of how angry he gets so quickly I just panic the whole time DD is on her own with him think that's just my anxiety from the relationship though. But he kicks off every time to have her we do things together with DD aswell which can sometimes go really well but can sometimes result in arguments.

I feel like he makes me seem like the bad person to everyone as he baits me into arguing with him in front of people and then starts asking them do you think this, or am I out of order? And try's to get them involved.

I suppose what I want to know is am I being unreasonable in the current situation I had planned to meet up with friends and was meant to be taking DD - one of them had a sore throat for past two days but feels 100% better today and I mentioned this to EP and said obviously I wouldn't let my friend breathe all over her I'm not stupid, he is now kicking off saying if I take her I'm a selfish mum and shouting down the phone at me saying he's going to message my friends or post on social media about how selfish I am and that I'm just as bad as his mum who was a drug addict that never did much for him so I can't see how he can dare compare me to that!

I don't even know if this whole post makes sense but it was good to get all of that off my chest! :)

OP posts:
pog100 · 16/03/2018 10:13

It's obvious that you are being a lovely caring mum and he is a total abusive controlling idiot. I'm not sure of your living and financial situation but you need to disengage and disentangle yourself from him both practically and emotionally.
Set up regular, fixed contact for your child, preferably through a third person, don't communicate with him otherwise. Ignore the social media threats, anyone who believes him is not someone you want in your life. Threats to your person or your car should be kept and potentially taken to the police.
Good luck, you really don't have to let a bully like him behave like this towards you.

PrettyLittIeThing · 16/03/2018 10:19

Why are you engaging with him? Why are you telling him your friend has a sore throat? Your not friends with him why are you talkig to him constantly? No the wonder he still thinks he can control you.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/03/2018 10:22

Please call Womens Aid.
They can help you with strategies and maybe getting certain things in place so he can't contact you.
He's a bully. They only respond to strength.
Block him on everything!
Set up a separate email account and tell him he can only contact via that means from now on.
If that gets too much then see if a family member will let him contact you via that source!
You do NOT and should NOT put up with this.
Do not see him person.
Never let him in your house.
Set up contact. One evening a week and every other weekend and that needs to be set in stone.
Womens Aid can also help you with local solicitors who specialise in dealing with abusive assholes.
Get advice from them first and then take it from there.
Hang up on him every single time he phones!
Or just don't answer.

Macaronibaloni · 16/03/2018 10:24

Prettylittlething I totally understand what you mean, but I guess I wanted to keep it friendly so that for example birthdays and stuff we could both be there and it not be awkward for anyone

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 16/03/2018 10:24

^^
What they said. Why are you engaging with him at all. No more days out as a family, you aren’t a family now

Thebluedog · 16/03/2018 10:28

Stop talking to him, block him on everything, phone, social media, text and give him one email address to contact you on. If he emails you, unless it’s child related ignore.

If he gets abusive on the phone the police! If he turns up, don’t let him in and phone the police! Stop engaging with him

PrettyLittIeThing · 16/03/2018 10:28

Well he's not friendly is he? I talk to my sister daily an we get on yet I wouldn't mention my other friend having a sore throat it's just not relevant. Do you perhaps wants a reaction from him? For whatever reason? Agree with contacting women's aid.

PatriciaHolm · 16/03/2018 10:30

Agree with the others. Minimum contact, no small talk, as much through others as possible, all communication on email/text. Don't react, ignore.

numptynuts · 16/03/2018 10:33

How is this affecting your DD? He sounds abhorrent.

You must go low contact and bare minimum interaction, if any. Third party would be better.

As for social media threats this is potentially a police matter so that on top of all the other stuff I'd be contacting them.

NutCase82 · 16/03/2018 10:57

He sounds like the father of my DD.

Firstly, well done for leaving him, that step alone is massive and frightening.

Secondly, control yourself when it comes to arguments. Just don't argue back. I'm not 100% accurate here but it goes something like this - there are 3 (TA) states of conversation and mood -
Parent - dominant, leader, disciplinarian (often ego lead and can go into excess and be threatening)
Adult - even scale, reasoning, fair, not swayed but others' inability to stay in control
Child - accepts dictatorship, scared, blind acceptance
Please try to stay in 'adult' state no matter what he does or says. You cannot control him, only yourself.
Make a detailed case against him by writing down everything abusive he has done and what his 'justifications' were.
Record or film him when safe to do so. I use a hidden iPad to film and have the voice recording on my phone set.
When an occurrence happens, write it down somewhere safe.
Involve the police - call the non emergency number or look online for the local email and explain the situation so they know you're at risk and if you do need them in an emergency they will be aware of the issue, they will put a 'storm' on your address so they attend quicker. I have this.

Contact women's aid who will put you in touch with free help nearby, they will help you in ways you won't know are possible.

You can alter his access so he's not alone with the child. If he's on the birth certificate this would maybe need to go to court, this is why you need to build up a case. Don't give him any ammunition against you - stay smart and don't antagonise him or provoke him.

Lastly if he's like my DD's Dad he will be wholly unreasonable. So keep in mind YOU CANNOT REASON WITH HIM. He talks no sense when he's in a rage, NOTHING you do will make him be safe enough all the time. He will have good times when you think the 'Beauty and the Beast' effect (kindness will out) has finally happened. It hasn't, he's just having good times. He's still who he is. You can move, not go out, not wear this, have a baby and he will be better for a while. He has you in a box with sides that close in, the space you have gets less and less.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/03/2018 11:12

I totally understand what you mean, but I guess I wanted to keep it friendly

You think this is friendly?

You need to stop engaging with him, and talk to a solicitor to set up proper arrangements.

As advised above, block him on everything but set up an email account purely to talk about DD.

Please call Women's Aid for advice.

CuriousMama · 16/03/2018 11:20

Listen to the advice in here. You deserve some peace.

StormTreader · 16/03/2018 11:26

" saying he's going to message my friends or post on social media about how selfish I am"

So? Let him post whatever he wants.
People whose opinions matter also know the person you are and will see its the raging tantrum of a manchild. You are giving him way too much power simply so he doesnt try and tell people lies, the only way to stop that is to recognise its all just fear and take that power away.

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