NC Dad - would you write?

[whathappenedlastnight]

Morning all.

I would appreciate your advice on something from a long time ago which has kept me up last night. I'm not a troll I've been here 10+ years ,name changed for this though. it will be a long post (will try not to drip feed but the start probably is irrelevant) so well done if you make it to the end, all opinions welcome as I only have my DH who knows my background so would like an outside view. I know you are only getting my side of it though.

When I was born in the 70's my mother was 15 my father 16, he was never involved or paid maintenance and I was brought up by my maternal GM, she sadly took her own life while I was asleep at 10 yrs so I went to live with my maternal GD (they were separated). At 16 he had to go into sheltered accommodation for over 55's so I was unable to join him and I was told my options (under 18) were either join the army or go into a hostel( I was never told this officially these were my only options so it may not be true.). At this point my mother was living abroad, she popped in and out of my life and in my childhood I lived with her occasionally, this was normal for meI decided to go backpacking and my 2 years ended up as 4 and I saved enough for rent for a couple of years and a deposit for a house.

When I came back (20 yrs old) my mother was back in the country and told me my Dad had many regrets and really wanted to meet me. I was surprised as I had made my own way in life and to be honest I don't think I would have ever reached out to him (he has 9 other children). I agreed to meet him at a restaurant (my dm who arranged it insisted on being there) and 5 mins before he got there confessed for months her friend had been calling him pretending to be me, had long deep and meaningful conversations professing "my" love for my DF.I went along with the pretence to please my DM but it was awkward and she was always puppeteering and stirring the pot with his ex wife for the following weeks. I can't just blame her he also arranged to meet me a few times and let me down. In the end I lost contact, I later found out (when my DM told me) she had sent an abusive letter to my Dad's wife saying horrible things about her and her children and signed it in my name .

Also when my son was ill in A&E I asked a 1/2 sibling for medical history from my DF which he wouldn't provide. After knowing about the letter I'm not surprised but I was so stressed and worried at the time I myself was unkind about my Dad to my 1/2 siblings and have not had any contact from them since.

I am considering sending him a letter explaining the circumstances around our meeting and how the letter to his wife wasn't from me as the whole situation has never sat easy with me . I wouldn't include my address but just feel I need to make peace with the whole sorry situation which was not of his or my making. He will be gone one day and even if he doesn't care at least he will know the truth ,or it could just be selfish on my part and cause upset?

Sorry you went through that childhood first of all.

I don't think in all honesty his feelings matter here. He arranged to meet you several times, letting you down a lot. He chose to believe someone he was speaking to on the phone was you, without confirming that with a face to face meeting. He ignored your existence for 20 years basically as he didn't try to look after you as a child. He wouldn't provide a medical history for his own grand child. Regardless of whether you had an argument or not, that's shit behaviour.

Write what you want in the letter and probably go no contact with any of them. You've done well in your life without them, and they sound toxic at best. You're better off without them.

They all sound awful. If you want to send it to him for your own peace of mind then do so, otherwise just forget about the whole sorry lot of them.

Thank you Barbaro & Cricrichan,

My DM had other children after me who were adopted, they made contact with her and me around the same time I came back to the UK and she caused a lot of hurt and disruption for them and their families so they all went NC with her and me (guilty by association but another drama she involved me in).

I have been NC with my own DM since my son was 3 months old (he is now 11)as I saw thing differently as a parent if that makes sense? I guess in a way I can see why my Dad had to cut ties with us as everyone else did, as I think she would have made his life hell, and I completely get it. He is a good parent to his other children from what I know.

Op if you want to send a letter, send a letter. As long as you are aware that there is a possibility he won't respond.

For what it's worth, I was more than unkind to my own father. When I finally reached an age where I could really understand what happened in my child hood, I absolutely ripped him to shreds verbally, a literal character assassination and told him if he was hit by a bus I wouldn't care and I wouldn't be at his funeral. There was a LOT of anger at the suffering my brother and I went through and will remain with us. My brother has had NC with my father for three years now.

My father and I have managed to forge a bit of a relationship these days. I won't ever forget what happened when we were kids but I'm trying to forgive. My point is, no matter what you said or did with your father, he is your father. If you want to open up communications with him, I would hope he would be willing if not wary. And if he isn't, well you tried and you aren't left sitting wondering if you should.

And no OP, your DF was not a good father I'm afraid. Letting you down again and again and refusing to disclose important medical info is not good parenting. It sounds like both your parents let you down and when you can accept that, deciding what to do about them will become easier.

I will never forget my counsellor at the time saying those words to me, your parents let you down. It suddenly just sank in that yes, they had. I think a little part of us, the inner child as such, never really wants to accept that.

And yes, now you are a mother, more and more things you do with your baby will have you questioning your own parents. That's exactly when I started facing up to my views of my parents and realising they were severely tinted.

CollyWombles

Thank you for your reply, and I'm so sorry you went through that x

I don't hate him, I don't realy feel anything towards him but wouldn't want him to think that last letter from "me" was a true reflection of my feelings.

I think Mothers day has pricked my conscience as my DS has been asking about his other GM and GD. My DS's paternal grandparents have passed away and would have loved to be involved in his life, my parents dont give a hoot, but there are obviously reasons behind that.

I think if it will give you peace, then write to him, but yes, do not include any contact details.

What a person you must be, to have come through that awful start with awful parents and the sadness at losing your GM, to forge your own way. You must be very strong.

They both let you down so badly, they are not good for you, but if it will help you, then do it.
Good luck.

PeppermintPasty Thank you, I know people who have it much harder but appreciate your kind words, I think I'll send the letter so my DM isn't having the final word,.

What you sound bloody amazing. You’ve come through so much, and you should be extremely proud of yourself.

The main thing to do now is whatever you need to do for YOU. If you feel it’s the right thing to do then do it.

Although I do think you’re right not to include your contact details in the letter, is there a way of him contacting you if he needs to? Are you on FB or do you have any links at all to your 1/2 siblings?

I wouldn’t offer any contact information, but if he really wants to find you it would be helpful if you weren’t completely un-findable

ohfourfoxache I've been on here a long time and always like your advice.

Again thank you all for you kind words,I don't feel I have done well,I got 6x A* at GCSE but as I was technically homeless couldn't pursue A levels or higher education so wonder what example I am setting sometimes for my son. I hope there is more support now for young people in that situation, perhaps that's where I should channel my frustrations.

I work in a safeguarding for vulnerable people and recently had a candid discussion about my background with my manager as it was relevant (social service involvement) they were quite shocked and said he would not have guessed. I try my best but am also flawed, its just my side you are hearing, my DM I am sure has her gripes about me also.

Sorry if it has come across as a pity party,its not my intention. I am very blessed to have the husband, child and friends I have. Life is good but the past troubles and niggles at me sometimes. I would love 5 minutes with my Dad to spell it all out with no resentment or blame, that's what this post was about. He can't offer me anything but I don't need anything but to clear the air would be great.

Anyone achieved this?

ohfourfoxache

1/2 siblings added and deleted me "willy nilly" on FB over the years- last time was 5 years ago, I'm very contactable linkedin/fb/twitter but that letter was awful so am not surprised they dislike me, it could just be the tip of the iceberg knowing my DM, there may be many more.

I also have a lot of sympathy for my Mum, she had a parent with mental health issues who took her own life when she was 25 herself.

It wasn't all bad growing up but once I did something's didn't sit right with me, and the situation with my DF is one I would like to resolve, not sure how....

Sorry to keep "banging on" I've just read some of this back and my son is 11yrs old, it reads like he is 11 months.

I would definitely send the letter.

I'm impressed at your maturity - you know your parents let you down (big time) but you recognise they are human and flawed. You know to protect yourself but you also want to pour oil on a very disordered past with your dad. You have the capacity to reach humane conclusions about your parents - I wish there were more like you, I applaud that this is your aim.

Definitely write the letter and clear the air. I wouldn't expect him to be sensible though - if he wouldn't even provide medical info when your son was ill then he can be petty and vindictive. He may surprise you but I wouldn't expect it.

I'm sorry you had such a tough childhood.
I'd be proud of you if you were my daughter (hope that's OK to say).

Oh shit, hope I’ve lived up to expectations!

I think you’re being unnecessarily hard on yourself tbh. They must know at least a little of what your mum is like, so I would hope that they haven’t completely tarred you with the same brush.

If you draft a letter out, have you got anyone in RL to run it past (if you would find that helpful of course)?

Write. Please write.

For your own sake, because it will be hard to forget your mother's manipulative and very destructive actions on your own account, and because your name needs to be cleared here.

Secondly your father may not have behaved very well but given what he has been led to believe of you, I can really see that he must have been very hurt. From his POV you had long and loving conversations, then met and it must have been a bit odd for him (if nothign else, you wont have known what he said to his ersatz-daughter and so if he referred to the conversations, your reactions might not have made sense). Then 'you' sent a poison letter to his wife. I'm not surprised after that letter that he stepped back from you.

It wasn't decent of him to not tell you his medical background but you also don't know what was said. it might have been so foul that he recoiled from further contact.

I think you need to say exactly what happened with your mother's actions, not in a spirit of blame but laying out events. Perhaps there will be no further contact between you, for better or worse, but this letter could clear the air and bring both of you some peace.

I'd write the letter. Given your mother's actions, lying, pretending someone else was you etc are so beyond normal, it would feel good I think to tell him the real position.

Well for what it is worth I sent the letter recorded delivery in April. Just explaining the whole mess, wishing him happiness and leaving the door open.

Thank you all so much for your advice, I don't have many people in RL I could speak to about this x

Wow your parents treated you terribly, your mother the worst. It's good you are 2nd as she sounds so very very toxic. I hope this helps you feel a bit of closure.