Can mental health ever be an excuse for cheating someone badly?

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My dad had an affair 8 years ago. Mum and dad divorced.

The woman my dad had an affair with treated my mum terribly at the time. She sent my mum threats, she was so nasty. She used to text me as well in the middle of the night when she was drunk.

Fast forward to now, my mum has a new partner and my dad finally left that woman and is with someone new and I'm so happy to say, she is lovely.

My mum is and always will be damaged from the affair and the way it went afterwards. She still struggles with it all tbh.

Yesterday out of the blue, she received a Facebook message from the ow apologising for everything she put my mum through. She blamed it all on her mental health at the time. Basically none of it was her fault as she wasn't herself at the time.

It's thrown my mum totally. My mum had her blocked on fb and her number blocked but she's set up a new fb. My mum doesn't know how to take it. She hasn't replied. It's just brought everything back if anything.

I do know that she did suffer with mental health issues. I won't go into exactly what she did but some things were extreme. She tried to kill herself (though what she did wouldn't of actually killed her) and broke both her legs because my dad couldn't meet her one night. She had a drinking problem and was on very high levels of anti depressants.

She said she's in a better place now and she simply just wants to apologise but even though she's apologising, she doesn't take blame for any of it because of her state of mind. Her message was pretty pointless and has just made my mum emotional.

Tbh, I'm sure she's done it as my dad is in a new relationship and she's just trying to cause trouble but I haven't said that to my mum.

So this is my question, can mental health be an excuse to treat someone so badly?

It should say treating in the title, not cheating....

In my experience yes at times it can be as voices in head and urges make poorly people act in a way they wouldn't necessarily choose to.

Not really no. If she was actually sorry then she would have been actually sorry, not blaming it on something. It's not an apology if you have an excuse.

She had issues, fair enough. Doesn't give her the right to treat people like shit, make threats, put people through emotional abuse. Nothing does.

Whether it's the case or not, your DM shouldn't have anything to do with a woman who had an affair with your dad, and compounded that emotional distress by being abusive. What's done is done, in your DMs shoes I'd ignore her message. Sorry to hear your mum is emotional all over again and I hope she has support

I wouldn’t say it was an excuse, but it can be a reason. I know someone who treated their partner appallingly during a spell of poor mental health. They are horrified now, and have spent the last 15 years making it up to them.

The OW does sound like she's had issues to do some of what she did at the time. It was a while ago and people do change, it's a shame she isn't taking any responsibility for what she did but your mum needs to move on from it. Either accept the apology with minimal response or ignore her.

I think ‘excuse’ is the wrong word here. Excuse makes it sound like ‘oh it doesn’t matter then’ which isn’t the case here, but mental illness can make you treat people badly unfortunately (I speak from my own experience of mental illness) and that’s the REASON for the behaviour, not an excuse. It sounds like this women just wants to apologise as now she is well she can see how her behaviour hurt others, and feels bad about it.

Apologising IS taking the blame, saying sorry I did this is taking ownership for the behaviour. I’m not sure how else you want her to phrase?

I’m sorry your mum is hurting though, there are people I’d like to apologise to but won’t because it’s been so long it would be pulling at wounds unhelpfully. Perhaps this women should have said nothing, but you can try and take the message on face value.

My mum told her if she continued with any kind of contact, she would call the police. She then blocked her on everything and hasn't heard from her since. Until yesterday.

I'm supporting her the best I can, she's going away for the weekend with her dp so hopefully that might take her mind off it but I know my mum and I know she won't be able to just forget about it. We spent 3 hours going through it all last night as it's just all been brought up again. It's never really gone away from her anyway.

I'm 99.9% sure she wants a reply and she wants to start some sort of trouble as my dads moved on and I don't think she can cope with it. My mum is 100% not replying and has blocked her new fb account.

I have mental health issues myself so to some extent - I understand what it can do to your mind and actions. It's just hard to forgive someone who treated your family so badly.

From experience, yes. I suffered with PND and did some really crazy out of character things during that time that I'm really not proud of, and feel genuine remorse for.

However, she really shouldn't have contacted your Mum, whether it's a genuine apology or not. Some things are just best left in the past.

Feel sorry for your mum. It's brought all of that back up for nothing really. Easier said than done but she needs to forget what this woman said, ignore her and carry on with her life. You are probably right, she wants a reaction and to cause hassle. Best to avoid it.

I think is the message was something along the lines of: I'm really sorry for everything I put you through, I feel terrible' etc etc it would of maybe had some closure for my mum.

But it wasn't. It's was 'sorry I was in a bad place, I'm much better now'. Which to be honest, my mum couldn't care less how she was. It was a long message but basically that was the gist of what she said.

Now mum is just re living it all :-( the ow once sent her a message of how her and my dad used to have sex on her office chair (mum and dad used to run their own business) and it was the best they ever had. Then with a load of 'haha's' after it. And then my mum would sit on it the next morning with no idea.

She was crying last night because she couldn't get the image out of her head.

I'm just gonna have to be there for my mum until she can get back to how she was.

Im glad the woman feels terrible. Mental health issues or not, she should not have tried to contact your mum to try and relieve her own guilt. Shows shes still crazy and dangerous in my opinion. Fuck her.
I hope your mum can block this new number and try and get on.

Damn going by what else you've said, I doubt she had mental health issues. She's just a spiteful cow. It's all about her, how much fun she had shagging someone else's husband, about how bad she feels now about it, about how she is in a better place now. Gonna guess there were lots of 'i's' in the apology?

Doubtful she feels bad about it. She wants a reaction and for someone to feel sorry for her. Maybe your mum should follow through on her previous threat of if you contact me again I'll call the police. It is basically harassment, bitch deserves a call from the police.

Well, yes. One of the things that my psych looks like when determining if I'm having a manic episode or not is whether I'm acting out of character. And I have done some v v out of character things - run into the woods to have religious visions, had sex with people I don't find at all attractive because it was necessary for the fate of the universe, tried to sneak onto airplanes - really mad stuff. It sounds like this woman was likewise very unwell. Your mother doesn't have to care or listen, of course, but it sounds like severe ill health may well be a reason, rather than excuse.

What this other woman should have done, is accept that her actions caused unimaginable hurt and damage, and that there really is no way to make up for that. Her excuse/reason for doing it, won't make a damn bit of difference to your mum, and that should have been obvious to her. It's like a cheat saying "but i didn't mean to do it, i was drunk!". It doesn't make what they did any less painful, betrayal etc. She should absolutely have left it in the past as there was no positive benefit for your mum from contacting her at all.

If she really does believe her illness was solely to blame, then all she had to do, was forgive herself and move on. She's dragged your mum into it all, to make HERSELF feel better, not to help your mum. She's trying to absolve her own guilt and improve other peoples image of her by telling everyone involved "it wasn't really me, that's not who i am". It makes her feel better to have in effect given an explanation, that minimises her accountability. If she was genuinely sorry, she would have accepted that guilt and lived with it, knowing she deserved to feel pain too given how much she caused for other people, given theres no undoing what happened or going back.

Even though it's clearly not true in this case, I'd be tempted to reply with something like "Sorry, I don't remember who you are. My ex shagged so many bimbos in his time I can't remember all of them. I've moved on long since and I suggest you do too." Then block her. Why should she get a crumb of satisfaction/closure/drama or whatever else she's after out of it.

@AlmostAJillSandwich thank you, I think you are spot on there. That's what I'll say to my mum.

I've been trying to find the right words to say to my mum since yesterday but I can't as to be honest, it's brought it all back for me aswell.

This woman caused so much damage. As has my dad but her actions were just unimaginable. She went as far to force my dad to come clean about the affair on Christmas Day. It was like living an actual eastenders Christmas Day episode. Then it continued for months after because of her and her devious ways.

I've never been able to figure her out to be honest but since she eventually split with my dad, she's been out of the picture.

I've been able to build a relationship with my dad again and it's been great.

I was really hoping she was long gone.

Anyway, I think my question has been pretty much answered so that's great. I feel I can help my mum more now if she needs it as her message made me slightly emotional/angry and I couldn't think straight so this has been great.

Thanks x

I think AlmostAJillSandwich has it spot on.
She is wanting absolution from her apalling behaviour and doesn't deserve it because she is NOT accpeting responibility for her actions

What you could do is reply for your mother and say simply :

You were requested not to make contact in (year). Any further contact will also be reported to the Police.

(implying the recent has been reported)

I'd keep a copy of the contact message, just in case it is needed later.

@Ariela yes thank you. My mum has hard copies and paper copies of every email/message from years ago just incase anything came of it. So this one will be added to the pile.

I know she can't contact my mum unless she sets up yet another new fb which is relatively easy to do I suppose. The last thing I want is her trying to contact my mum so yes, I suppose a back off message off me might be the best option. I just don't want my mum speaking to her under any circumstances

Mental health is no excuse for people on the receiving end - only those emotionally involved with someone are willing to put up with these behaviours. Everyone else just sees it as irritating, damaging and to be avoided at all costs.

If she's looking for drama and validation then contact from you will feed it, which will put your mum at risk of more contact. I'd stay completely silent. Blocking is enough.

I think it can be an excuse/reason
I am going through some stuff at the moment and my behaviour is off the scale extreme, I keep it well hidden but it's like I have another person living with me who is someone so far removed from how I used to be that it's frightening
I've tried to get counselling to no avail before I completely wreck my life

It can be a reason.

My DP treated me badly for about 18 months due to depression, which was triggered by an event which he hid for me for about 2 months. Even when he opened up to me about what had happened he tried to hide the effect it was having on him from me. He was trying to protect me, but I ended up suffering anyway. About a year in he told me he'd admitted to a nurse that he had been treating me badly but couldn't stop, even though he wanted to. It has taken a further 6 months to get through it.

I have BPD, a disorder which carries enormous stigma about it causing people with it to be abusive.

It can make me erratic, clingy and incredibly hot and cold. It comes with attachment issues and anger issues and I have a very low emotional intelligence which makes relationships with people near impossible for me. Even friendships can be tough going.

Despite this, I work incredibly hard to not let it effect how I treat people. Don't get me wrong, mental health issues can be a reason why someone could be abusive, but not the sole cause or a valid reason. And definitely not an excuse.

I agree wit. Eena I am bipolar and have done some awful awful shit when I’ve been having a manic episode. I had an affair behind my lovely (and tolerant) husbands back. Was completely delusional and believed that I had to have sex with this person because we had been chosen by the universe to save mankind.

It’s excruciatingly awful when you come out of a manic episode and realise the terrible shite you’ve done. My own feeling is that the only way to sort it is to totally “own” your behaviour. I say that I am sorry for what I have done and that although it’s no excuse, I wouldn’t have done the terrible things if I had been mentally well.

People understandably can’t always forgive you but I can accept that. You apologise and you have to move on, regardless of whether or not the accept your apology. In my heart I know I’m a good person, I just have a fucking awful illness that gives me weird delusions at times. When I’m well I am very shy and reserved by nature and I think in a way that helps as people see how out of character I am when I am poorly.