I feel responsible for my mother's happiness after dad's death

[Atinaenryb]

My father died in 2015. I have an older brother but somehow everyone decided to tell me that I had to mind my mother, including my dad because he knew I was strong. But lately I'm not feeling so strong. My mother got into a new relationship just over a year ago but her mental health has been quite poor because of her loss. She saw a counsellor etc. and is on medication. Presently, I feel very anxious going to visit because when myself and my partner of 5 years have a few drinks with her and go out, she always ends up having a falling out with her partner and he goes home. As a result she remains in a depressive state, sometimes drinking for some days which makes me anxious as she suffers from epilepsy. She sometimes involves me in these falling outs or I end up being a middle man and it can be pretty intense. My older brother has never had any experience of this as he lives away from home.
I constantly tell myself that I cannot watch over her 24/7, I have my own life and I need to nurture it but I am completely triggered by my mother's anxieties and emotions that I'm practically emotionally exhausted myself. I feel guilty when I do take a step away, as if I'm doing her wrong and I'm abandoning her and also I'm aware she won't be around forever but just at this present time I just feel constantly guilty when she is unhappy or not 100% and nearly every time I come home I end up having a panic attack

I am 22 and my mother is 54. I just want for someone to tell me if I'm being reasonable by wanting to get away. My brother is 33 and he is always telling me to cop on and stop worrying so much all the time but I'm terrified something will happen to her and I will blame myself.

Your brother is a selfish prick! you're 22 years old and expected to handle all this while he lives his life! I think you mum is still grieving and the drink is numbing that pain its a vicious circle. Talk to your mum when she's calm and sober. Start by saying mum I'm really worried about you please talk to me and see what happens, do it gently and if you decide to bring up the drinking try not to sound judgemental or accusing that won't help. I did this with my mum when he dad died and after months of seeing her go to pieces and worrying myself sick i finally asked her outright and when she said yeah im fine i said no your not i can see it and its worrying me and the floodgates opened. if that doesn't work then perhaps talk to her friends who may be able to get through to her. as for your brother rather than tell him on the phone text him and say it outright, i get you live far but i need help with mum this is happening and i could use some support could you visit or even invite mum to stay with you for a weekend so you can see for yourself whats happening? if he says he cnt or you should cope then stop bothering with him and try other members of the family? aunties/uncles etc?

It really is up to your mother to sort herself out but as Ariesgirl suggests, it would be kind to have a chat with her when she is calm and sober. I wonder why when you visit, you go out for drinks? Surely that is asking for trouble?

How far away do you live from her now? Can you not just pop in for a cup of tea sometimes, to save on the drama but still be some sort of contact for her?

In an ideal world how far away would you like to move?

I'm only a few years younger than your mum - she's doesn't need looking after!

She seems to be self medicating with alcohol so you could try and talk to her about that or speak to the AA but otherwise just go back to having a normal mum daughter relationship. You don't need to look after her! Does she work? If not, it would be a good idea for her to do so and give her another focus.

Parents are responsible for their children, not the other way round.
Your mum is not even elderly, she’s a working age adult.
It’s normal to sympathise with her situation, but she’s now 3 years post bereavement and in a new relationship. It is her and her partner’s responsibility to cope with her issues, not yours.
Try to take a step back and consider your own needs in all this. You are a young person who has lost her father. Shouldn’t your mum be equally trying to comfort you?
Time to disentangle the emotional web here. I think you’d benefit from counselling, to establish some healthy boundaries in your mother/daughter relationship.
Be kind to yourself, and let your mum sort herself out. Otherwise you risk simply enabling her learned helplessness.

OP, I'm a couple of years older than your mum and I don't want or need looking after, certainly not by my twenty-something daughter. I'd feel stifled and hemmed in.

Let her get on with her supremely selfish acts of self-sabotage and don't ruin your own life. That's not what your dad meant you to do. You can visit sometimes, phone occasionally - but can absolutely refuse to discuss other family members and fallings out. Set the tone.