Depressed husband. Do I need to let him go or give him space?

[TimingAndSpace]

I had been with my husband for 20 years. He has always been the loving and affectionate type, telling me he loved me, cuddling on the couch together, etc when all that stopped suddenly four months ago I knew something was wrong. Spoke to him and he told me he doesnt love me anymore and wanted to sperate. It was like every feeling he ever had for me was gone in the blink of an eye. He was like a shell of himself. I ended up leaving to give him and myself some space.

I left three months ago and we havent seen each other since. We have spoken almost everyday either on the phone or on whatsapp. The way we have been talking as far as I knew we were still together, working things out. He was supposed to be coming to see me this weekend and called me tonight to tell me he is not coming.

He is suffering from depression. All I want to do is help him. Support him. He handles the depression by pushing the people he loves away from him. He says he is not himself anymore. He is lost in his own head. He is a failure. He says he wants a future with me but cant see a way. He is asking for time to clear his head one minute then the next telling me its not right to have my life on hold and I have to let him go.

Do I fight for him? Accept that its over? Give him the time he is asking for to clear his head?

I dont know anyone else with depression. I have no idea how to handle this or what to do. He says I cant help him through this. He needs to do it on his own.

Please help. Thank you.

Are you sure there's no OW? It's very rare for men in a ltr as long as yours to just stop loving their wives without there being someone else involved. Sorry Op, doesn't look good.

So sorry to read this. No answers but I am wondering if he has seen his gp or had counselling or if you would be able to encourage him to do so? You sound lovely and very supportive. I hope things work out for you both.

I would make sure he gets help and support him how ever you can. I don’t see any rush to end your marriage. It’s like any other sickness people need help. Give him all the time you can unless you feel you need to move on. If he had cancer you’d be there for him. Tell him there is no rush to make decisions he needs to get well.

Do you know what triggered his depression? if you can work out a trigger its easier to help the person. Depression is f ing horrible and I can relate to how he feels i hate people being around me when my mood changes (my depression was actually bipolar disorder) and I have learned the hard away about pushing people away and bottling up and ignoring the depression i ended up having a nervous breakdown.

Basically it comes down to this, your husband won't accept help until he is ready and is feeling at a point where he can say I'm not ok i need help. you can't help someone who wnt help themselves. Send him a text/email and be honest. Tell him you love him and want to help him and when he is ready to battle this you will be waiting to help him. unfortunately depression doesn't always go away quickly and everyone handles it different some use medication some prefer not to and use counselling. is he oh meds do you know? maybe contact his GP and explain whats going on so they're away maybe they can help?

I'm sorry to say I would be very suspicious , affairs cause what looks like depression. I think I would want to verify independently that he is not seeing someone else before I continued to support him.

What has he actually done about his depression?

My h had depression. We still love each other and are married. I’d not link the two so closely

I have known 2 men (in the last 3 yrs....family or close friend/colleague) have ‘depression’ about 20/30 years through a marriage, with identical symptoms to this. The first one turned out to have a girlfriend who appeared out of the woodwork once the divorce was finalised. The second one I know is in love with someone else. This doesn’t mean that they’re not depressed too, just that so far the affair precedes the depression. Sorry.

If I were you I'd go back to the marital home this weekend and exactly what is really going on.

My DH has depression. Medication no doubt has saved us, thankfully. He's had it as long as I can remember him. He's also very funny and we have a good laugh - classic depressed comic.
It sounds really odd to me that it has come on so suddenly. With my DH, it's part of his personality, ever present that is carefully managed through GP and meds. If he's getting down, he gets more irritable.
Not sure if this is helpful - it's just a first hand example of what living with a depressed person is like. And I'm sure it's different in other people

I know some men have used a affairs to help with mid life depression. Always this grass is greener never helps.
CBT helped me with depression. I found the best way I helped my husband through his period /s of depression was by being strong , loving, supportive and making myself happy. What do you want?

In my (and friends/family) experience, depression doesn't necessarily lead to leaving your support network (ie you) to live by yourself. Surely if he recognised he was depressed he would want to try and work through it rather than leave.
I would be suspicious too.

What do you want?
Why would you want a relationship with someone who decided they didn't love you and walked away from you?