I've come here a few times for relationship advise because I know I'm in a dead end relationship that has literally sucked everything out of me. You've given advice and the right advice may I add but I haven't had it in me to take it.
My energy is flat and I'm so tired of trying to make life work.
My ex was abusive to the point he made me feel like a shell of a woman! But i managed to break free and it was easier because I didn't love him and I had support. It was liberating. We had kids together so it took a long time.
But stupid cow here did it agian. I fell for the man that promised the world. He was the picture perfect relationship and we got engaged and had a child. We moved in together and then boom! It happened again. The abuse is unreal and I recognise it, but this time has been harder because I unfortunatley still love the man he was. He pushed me out of everything important in my life and I don't even know who I am anymore.
I try talk to him about how unhappy I am but then im just causing arguments. I'm just exhausted. I'm raising 4 kids and working and that's the only thing I have energy for. I cancel get togethers all the time and I've lost so many friends. Not just because of him. But because I generally just cba with bullshit anymore and that's all I see everywhere these days.
Things have gotten so bad that I don't reply to messages from more or less anyone and I've had so many thoughts of just ending it. But I won't!! Absolutely not. I adore my babies and I could never leave them no matter how unhappy I am. I use my energy to look after them and help them achieve whatever they want. They are my soul purpose.
I'm also embarrassed. I fucked up big time twice and I feel like people will judge me massively and blame me. I deep down know that's the way they've (the men) have programmed me to think. But I can't get past that thought.
I also feel way two far gone to do anything (life) alone. So some pathetic part of me just holds on for that too.
I've had so many bad experience in life that have led up to this and being treated badly by men including rape. That in some way I feel unworthy.
His latest trick was he started my son in a football team and took him. I wanted to start him up. But he made me feel guilty saying. That was his thing. So I let him do it and slowly he's taken all control of that away from me. I told him one time that he is good with the kids he should look into coaching. So he started coaching my son's team. That meant I couldn't watch every game because I had the other kids including a baby. So unless they were at home I had to miss it. Which wasn't too bad. 6 months down the line he was talking about a converstation in the mum's football group. I was taken a back by it, because I wasn't in it, and I would have like to have been, to make new friends and be more involved when I can't be there. So because I was upset about it. He made me feel like I was crazy for being upset. I tried to explain why and he just said well it's my thing and I'm coach so you can find out through me. Now in reality I know it's all a control thing and to stop me from making any new friends.
I'm that sad mum stood in the corner on my own while all the other mums huddle together cheering their kids on. Am I crazy for being upset about that?
Whenever I've made the effort to talk to someone, it's shut down by him telling me how much of a bitch they are.
There is so much more but I feel like I've gone on and to be honest some of its just traumatic to talk about.
I do know what I need to do. But right now I just need a hand hold because I am just exhausted. I just needed to reach out that's all.