Dear ladies, I'm so very sorry for what will be a wall of text...
Me and my husband got married - a shotgun wedding of sorts - in November and in spite of some arguments and other issued previously - I can honestly say it was the happiest day of my life. We didn't have a massive expensive ceremony - just witnesses and our daughters (I have one at 3 years old and his is now 10). He was happy too, I know he was...
I have some issues with trust after being abused as a child, neglected and abandoned - cliche stuff I know. Led me into some bad relationships in my twenties that have damaged me I'm ashamed to say.
I love my husband
I had some issues with trusting him as I got very strong impression he liked at times to get reactions out of me by playing me against other women in his life. I've found it quite perturbing yet I'm willing to recognise that I'm already easily perturbed in this respect.
A couple of months before we were married I asked him, sort of out of the blue, if he'd seen anything of his female friend of late - one who was sort of around at the beginning of our relationship (Feb 17) but had disappeared. It was an impulsive sort of question but was not banking on his response. He freaked out kinda and then said "have you been looking at my phone?" - I hadn't and I was very confused.
I let it fester for a couple of months until one very early morning, maybe awaking in my usual anxious state - I grabbed his phone and went snooping about this particular female. Again, my god, I didn't expect really to find sh*t but I did.
since we'd been together and spanning to the present - messages with very sexual content - him telling her rape jokes, them joking about fisting - him asking her who and how she was 'banging' - her telling him that she had given this or that person 'head'.
Him putting her in touch with people for job opps and saying 'we'll boss it together' to her
Complaints about my little girl to her along the lines of "been kicked out my own bed by a child" etc.....
goodnight kisses - the list goes on...
I was traumatised and devestated especially when I learned, when confronting him, that they had been very recent f*ckbuddies.
After the fallout and my devestation anger and grief of the initial two weeks or so, I became quite numb, and then depressed - I went onto prozac for couple of months but didn't like how they rid me of the emotions that were useful to me. It killed creativity - I am a MA student and I have ADHD too- I like to create visual stuff to help me think and learn.
I have become more and more emotionally detached from him - apathetic sometimes - and this has hurt him deeply. But I really couldn't help it - I'm already a damagaed and grieving person possibly with PTSD.
And he has his own similar issues - every morning he awoke in a foul dark mood and would rip me to shreds with criticism and I began to shrink back further.
But I have now entered into a very angry phase and began to lash out terribly - I was very angry and humiltaed that he thinks its okay to shove me to ground or stop me leaving rooms sometimes , following me into them even to trap me in, to picking me up and chucking me across room
I have started to lash out and have hit him now and spit on him and bit him. Honestly I don't even know who I am - i just feel so afraid and disgusted with myself and also I think my violence was an expression of wanting it to be OVER - as much as this is very very wrong and disrespectful and all sorts of things. I just don't know what to do now - I need some prfessional help I think