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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner would never live with you unkess had own place in background.

25 replies

Wakeupcall2018 · 15/03/2018 20:42

My partner has said they’d never move in with me or anyone unless they kept renting their own flat in the background. What would you think? Their reasoning is you never know what can go wrong. My reasoning is I’d never move in with someone unless I was totally sure. Partner of over a year and half and moving in hadn’t even crossed my mind tbh.

OP posts:

chestylarue52 · 15/03/2018 20:47

I feel the same as your partner tbh. And it’d never be a sign of how much I thought of someone or how important they were to me. I just value my autonomy.

Original poster

Wakeupcall2018 · 15/03/2018 20:49

My feelings are that it’s ok for them if we had an argumandt because I know for a fact they’d just fuck off back to their place, but then I couldn’t, I’d just have to suck it up. As they would want to move into my place while having their own place in the background.

OP posts:

another20 · 15/03/2018 20:50

Would they let you move in with them?

Original poster

Wakeupcall2018 · 15/03/2018 20:51

No definitely not.

OP posts:

Mum2jenny · 15/03/2018 20:52

Each keep your own place and visit each other? Is that workable for you both, or would you both be better renting out your own places and getting somewhere else to share?

SpringHen · 15/03/2018 20:53

"Totally sure"
Unlike everyone who ever split up who all knew they would from the start you mean??
Presumably a "background flat" would be rented out so not exactly a bolt hole for minor tiffs

Original poster

Wakeupcall2018 · 15/03/2018 20:56

No not rented out as it’s a council flat, just there just in case.

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 15/03/2018 20:57

Do you mean he'd move in with you but have a home for himself for if he got fed up of you?

What are you meant to do when you're fed up of him? Or can't he envisage that?

Original poster

Wakeupcall2018 · 15/03/2018 20:58

That’s exactly it. I see it as then what do I have then? Obviously best just to leave it I think.

OP posts:

GlueSticks · 15/03/2018 21:10

So he wants to keep a council flat empty as a back up 'just in case' when there's people desperate for housing?! If that is even allowed it certainly shouldn't be.

From the relationship perspective I'd say definitely not moving in together. Fine to keep an owned/mortgaged flat and rent it out as financial security, but definitely not if it is to be used as a bolthole for when you have disagreements.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 15/03/2018 21:11

Don't give this man house room. It would only end badly.

PrettyLittIeThing · 15/03/2018 21:13

Pretty sure you have to live in your council house x amount of weeks a year, so it needs to be your permanent residence.

DancingLedge · 15/03/2018 21:17

I can see why someone might be ' hope for the best, prepare for the worst,'

I can see why someone would seriously hesitate before giving up a council tenancy that they will never get back.

But planning to leave a council flat empty, when there's so many people desperate for one, and waiting for years? That's immoral.

SpringHen · 15/03/2018 21:19

No not rented out as it’s a council flat, just there just in case.

Well THATS UR because its a council flat & totally different to keeping owned assets separate which IMO is fine

Jon66 · 15/03/2018 21:20

Assuming he has a secure tenancy you might like to tell him what he is proposing is contrary to the law, part iv of the housing act 185 s81 and is a criminal offence.

Original poster

Wakeupcall2018 · 15/03/2018 21:35

I have said that it’s completely not allowed so best to just leave the possibility. I think they’re clearly not sure so absolutely no point in it anyway. And I just know, knowing them that they’d bolt back there every opportunity if any argumanet arised. I wouldn’t feel secure in that scenario I don’t think.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wakeupcall2018 · 15/03/2018 21:37

And yes I’d completely agree if it was an owned asset, I wouldn’t even question them
keeping that, as of course they should!

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 15/03/2018 21:41

If it was owned i totally agree you should keep it.
But definitely not for a council flat. Totally u.

Original poster

Wakeupcall2018 · 15/03/2018 21:45

Sorry I should probably have made it clear at the start that it was not an owned flat. If it was I’d be all on board with it. This just seems wrong. And tbh it’s just confirmed everything else that’s wrong with this selfish relationship (in my eyes anyway)

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 15/03/2018 21:55

In that case, stay innthe flat and end fhe relationship.

TheNaze73 · 15/03/2018 22:00

If it was his own house, I’d get it but, leaving social housing empty which is a privilege not a right, would shocking.

Original poster

Wakeupcall2018 · 15/03/2018 22:01

My gut feeling says end the relationship but I just feel so bad doing so, sad I know!

OP posts:

Original poster

Wakeupcall2018 · 15/03/2018 22:02

And of course it was her own flat which she owned id completely get it and not give it a second thought! I should have said that I’m the original post sorry

OP posts:

DancingLedge · 15/03/2018 22:29

Always listen to your gut feelings about relationships.

If you " know for a fact" that they will retreat from an argument, and see some selfishness, those are issues that need some resolution. Relationships do meet issues, and transformation can happen, if there's a willingness to work things out....
But if one person runs from difficulties, that's not looking too hopeful.

All the best,Op.

Solasshole · 16/03/2018 07:57

I have told my partner he's not selling his house even after we've moved in together. I'm getting a nice bonus if he lives with me because my bills will be split (and he's offered to pay a bit towards my mortgage every month) so I don't think it's fair to leave him vulnerable if it doesn't work out

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