What is unforgiveable in a relationship?

[Bubblebug1]

I always thought there were only two things I could not forgive in a relationship, beating or cheating, but OH has done neither and yet I am really struggling to forgive him anyway (money stuff, lost our house etc).

What could you or could you not forgive in a relationship?
Or what have you tried to forgive in the past?

I don't know if I need to work harder at forgiving him or end it for good. So lost right now, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I used to think like you, but the older I get, the more I realise humans are very different and especially when it comes to tolerance.

My ex-husb is a “great dad” type. Lovely man, probably never cheated, but his attitudes to money and our DCs’ upbringing, as well as his lack of ambition and need for material goods, led to our split. Was too difficult to live with someone who had grown to be so different to me, although the marriage was very long and committed.

Only you know if you can forgive. I don't think you can say beforehand if you can forgive this or that, it's not until it happens to you that you feel it. He doesn't have to have cheated or beat you up for you to feel let down by him and resentful, they are both relationship killers.

Either way you need to feel secure and trustful of your partner, he's clearly caused this not to be your relationship any more, he change the goal posts, not you. You don't have to keep trying to forgive if deep down you know you can't, perhaps a trial separation would sort your head out better, some space to think without him there.

My exh had lied about his new job wage for nearly a year, keeping me skint, borrowing for bills, making me feel shit for spending on my dc (not his). I found out on a Sunday night the truth of our finances and filed for divorce on the Monday.

For me, it comes down to two main things, continued dishonesty and continued lack of concern for how their bad behaviour affects a partner.
This tends to cover all the standard bad stuff like cheating or violence, but also means that a relationship that outwardly doesn't have big red flags can still be unhealthy and not worth continuing.

Lack of concern would include taking advantage of the relationship to not pull their weight with regards joint responsibilities or taking risks that would hurt their spouse and not giving them the choice in the matter.

Everyone makes bad choices sometimes but if it's occasional and they learn from it, that can be fine (depending on how bad it was) but it's the continuation of the same bad behaviour that takes it over the line.

Aprilmightmemynewname
Similar kind of thing only I lost my house.
I am so devastated.

A clear lack of respect is a killer imo

Financial secrets, cheating (physical or emotional) & any kind of violence or mental manipulation

I couldn't forgive someone who cost the roof over my head by deception.

Lying about everything. And I mean everything. Once it started unraveling it was unbelievable. Lying about going to work, about what money was being spent on, lying to others about me to cover his other lies, lying about why he wasn’t fetching his son (eg telling me DSS had a party that weekend, he was a teenager so believable, but not true, telling his ex he couldn’t fetch their son because I’d spent all our money and we had no petrol - basically he was just too lazy to fetch him) it was absolutely horrendous, too much to go into detail. I just about managed to keep the roof over my head (rented) but 3.5 years later I’m still dealing with the mess and the fucker is about to be summoned to county court for non payment of child support.

No going back imo. You need all your strength for you now.

Murdering your family members.

I mean surely thats the baseline.

Fuck this idiot off and you'll feel 100% better immediately.