Help with why he doesn't want to meet me

[befuzzly]

I met someone online who lives a little bit further away than is ideal but easy enough to drive to after work without a huge issue, but he's been dragging on communication for weeks and doesn't seem to want to meet me!

I am sure he's not hiding anything looks wise, we have chatted on Skype several times. He has seemed very keen in terms of lots of calls and talks. I've asked about meeting and he kind of diverts the conversation into an evasive answer.

What's going on? should I just stop speaking to him? Do you think he's married?

Married or partnered up.
If you know his address, check the electoral roll.

I'd give up on that crap OP, yes married or involved with someone else, probably goes online chatting to loads of women for an ego boost, sad git.

I don't think the reason is important. If he's messing you about, just move on.

Does it matter?

Instead of searching for answers here, have a hunt about for your self worth. It can’t be too far, you had it at some point. Must have put it somewhere for safe keeping if you’re anything like me...

Seriously though, don’t even waste a nano second on people like this, don’t fall for this abysmal treatment.

He’s wasting your time and taking up the space of a decent person in your life.

He either thinks it's too far and not worth the bother or else is stalling you because he's married or has a partner. Suggest you visit him as you are in the neighbourhood.

This is really common on OLD. There seems to be so many time wasters. IME the ones that want to meet ask to arrange something within the first week.
If they haven't started talking about a meet up (or avoid the question) within the first week then it won't happen.
I don't know why their happens, but that's not really the point. The point is if he's wasting your time now he isn't worth the bother.
Always best to get a date arranged sooner rather than later to avoid over investing in someone who has no intention in meeting or anything else.

I’ve had some exchanges like this & they have been quite fun, but weird!

In the absence of being married/emotionally invested in others or there being physical distance, I think sometimes it can be shyness and in my case, ASD. I’m happy to let things bumble on for a bit longer before meeting. I’m not looking for a relationship, though, more for company and fun interactions - if they lead somewhere, then great. Think this is a different baseline from wanting a committed relationship. Strange he is being evasive, though, that doesn’t sound good.

Did you meet him on an online dating site? I saw on tv they hire people to act as members with the purpose of keeping the other party a paying customer of the site.

Yes, it was an online dating site but I'm sure it wasn't someone being paid. He was very keen to speak to me at length every day and then trailed off claiming his feelings scared him because we hadn't met.

Hmm...meet me then idiot!

Time waster, or maybe married as you say. I feel like something is rotten in Denmark but I am so naive with these things I can just never quite believe people do such weird things.

Very annoyed I wasted so long. He seemed so genuine but I suppose they always do!!!

I've asked about meeting and he kind of diverts the conversation into an evasive answer.

Just move on. He may have a partner and just be looking for something to wank over, or he may be horribly shy or insecure and can't face the reality of meeting you and fearing you'll go "eurgh" about something.

Either way he's wasted enough of your time, move on!

thanks all.

If you have to ask about meeting up? STRIKE 1

If you have to ask again? STRIKE 2

If you get a non answer, that’s enough to be your strike 3.

Don’t bother

Even if he isn’t married etc, it means he’s a mess and will be a pita somehow.

He needs to be responsible for his own relationship strength, if you have to cajole him, he ain’t ready and you’re not there to teach him

Amen

Thanks for the basic sense. I really am such a sucker, it always never occurs to me that people are messing me about or not being on the level. I really do hate dating. I wade through conversations to try and find a spark of some sort of chemistry mentally and it feels like every time I do the person turns out to be a total waste of time. I'm getting very weary. when I met this guy, I really did think "finally someone open and direct and normal". Ugh.

You didn't meet him though

I meant spoke to. I just meant he sounded so normal.

You can't know that from messaging. Hopefully you are getting that now. For example, I am really a truck driver called Dave.

Well we did talk a lot over skype and phone. I'm not disagreeing with you, but I did asses him over several hours of video and phone chat to be really nice and genuine so obviously my system of evaluating people is completely crap!!

Why not give him one last chance to meet? Be clear that you would like to meet this weekend, or you need to say goodbye as you're keen to meet someone who is available for a relationship. Then you'll have your answer with no "what ifs" in the future. You will be on guard for any lies if you do meet him.

Yes I agree, try to set up a meeting, but any form of evasive behaviour results in a ditching. Your time is too precious...

He's not that into you, or he is into someone else. Ignore pps who think you should give him a chance, fuck that for a waste of energy!!

To be honest, he made me feel wary of him. If we did meet and it went well I'd be waiting for the unpredictability and evasiveness to surface. So I think it's best to give him a swerve. From experience I don't think any good relationships start out with a post on Mumsnet! They're meant to make you feel calm, relaxed, happy...not baffled!

I think I just posted to get confirmation that I'm not wrong for finding this all a bit weird. I am feeling pretty sad about it because I'd really liked him.

You're 100% right.

I did OLD for a few years, you learn a LOT!

About others, about yourself, about life.

Everyone you meet/come across actually teaches you a little bit about yourself- so pay attention class, cos there’s a test at the end... and you’re going to pass it with flying colours!

Lessons for today?

Judge someone for what they DO, not what they say.

When someone shows you who they are, listen the first time!

If a guy wants to meet you, he will move mountains to do so.

You are good enough. Good enough for you, and for everyone else.

Love doesn’t make you feel anxious, or afraid or inferior. Love feels pretty damned good!

Never ever EVER make the mistake of thinking texting/messages or phone calls shows you who someone is. There is absolutely no short cut to getting to know who someone is OTHER THAN SPENDING TIME WITH THEM

If you feel rushed. STOP.

You are interviewing for the best job in the world - to be loved by you. Make sure your interview process is rigorous. Don’t play games, but pay attention to who someone is, not who they want you to believe them to be.

For all those who say “give him another chance”... go to the bottom of the class 😊. This guy isn’t good enough for one of us mumsnetters!!

From experience I don't think any good relationships start out with a post on Mumsnet!

This is a PERFECT rule of thumb! very wise, OP, will adopt it...