How would you feel if your partner said this?

[olgivywife]

....."I have no emotional needs in a relationship"

I'm at the point after 3 long, confusing, hard years where I've had multiple nervous breakdowns and serious ill health that my partner may be on the autistic spectrum.

This sentence stands out a lot for me, mainly because it makes me feel what I have felt in this relationship. I've felt like I was there to fulfill a function (sex, food, someone to talk at about his "I'm-right-everyone-else-is-wrong" endless point of views...

How would you feel if your partner said this to you?

That I was in a relationship with a robot. I assume you do have emotional needs yourself. I am not sure your relationship is giving you what you need.

I'm not even sure he understood the question I asked which was "what emotional needs do you have?" He said he is quite self contained and doesn't need emotional support. But then he admits he doesn't understand things like "connection" or "bonding" or "intimacy" or "emotional needs"....he thinks bonding is sitting in a room with someone watching TV. He does do acts of kindness, but there is zero empathy. Feel so sad that I have been trying to get what I need from a "robot" ; it has made me so poorly.

Sometimes we stay in places or with people because we think they will change or that we can change them. A lot of the time we can,t, a lot of energy is expanded and wasted on doing this when you could be using your time more positively. If he was a bit robotic, but you didn’t mind that, that would be okay, but if it is making you feel bad I think you know what you need to do to recover your equilibrium. Hopefully you have the option to leave if you think that is the right thing to do.

Were your breakdowns due to this relationship?
If so, then get out now!
Why would you put your mental health at risk for a 'guy'???

I'd think he didn't understand what emotional needs were and was unlikely to meet mine.

He coild also be a psycopath? You don't have to be autistic to be an arsehole.

No needs. No connections....
Not worth it. He has told you what he is and this is what the future will be like.
You don't need permission to leave this freezer of a life and go and look for warmth and kindness. They are not above and beyond the expectation of a normal relationship, they are the fundamentals. First of all, recover from this properly before any further attempts at a relationship. You need to repair the damage.

To be fair, I think lots of people would be a bit stumped by your question. I'm in a very happy marriage, but I can't say that I have ever given a moment's conscious thought to what my emotional needs are. A lot of people probably don't consciously evaluate their relationship in a psychological way like that, and wouldn't think they had any specific emotional needs.

I think it’s a weird question to ask? A lot of people wouldn’t be able to answer it.

Don’t try & put a square peg in a round hole, if he’s not want you want.

I’d say as long as you’re going in the right direction, having a laugh & have a good physical relationship, that’s probably all he wants.

Don’t overthink it would be my advice

You should find your mental health improves when you leave him, OP.

He could be autistic but autistic people do have empathy. They have trouble recognising social cues and reading other people's emotions correctly.

Does he genuinely lack empathy or just not 'read' that you're upset?

Maybe the question wasn't the right one to ask. But he doesn't understand what connection, bonding or intimacy means either so in light of that?

And he took a empathy test online and he scored quite low. He can be very kind to me, but his best friend touched me inappropriately but he doesn't understand why I no longer want him to be friends with that guy anymore. So he still is. I'm very tired. We both have a child each in this relationship, he has full custody of his DD.

OP, why do you need to know anyway? You won’t change him.

Like Naze, I'm struggling to understand why you are analyzing this man and trying to understand why he isn't meeting your needs.

You do know that it doesn't matter why ? It has no bearing on anything at all. All that matters is that, as you say, you've had "3 long, confusing, hard years" with him.

Why are you spending years of your life in the company of someone who is confusing, hard to understand, who makes the years seem long?

It's not meant to be this way. Not even a little bit.

Turn the why back on yourself, not at him - why have you chosen to keep company with a person who makes you feel like this?

Also, please don't do that thing that folk do when they don't like the way someone is -

Don't ask loaded questions in an effort to get the other person to somehow "see" how they need to change, in order to make you feel better.

People do not change. People, typically, do the only things they know how to do, and by the time they are adults, they have very little ability to change.

You need to look clearly at this person, see him for what he is, and then have the compassion to leave him to it.

And have some compassion for yourself as well - can you not do yourself the kindness of walking away from this very hard, upsetting relationship? Can you not allow yourself space to meet someone who actually makes you happy, who meets your needs without you having to harangue and cajole things out of him?

Again. It's not meant to feel like this. Romantic relationships are supposed to make you feel supported and fulfilled. Otherwise, what are you meant to get out of them?

His best friend sexually assaulted you and he’s still friends with him?

Because I don't have any family. Childhood was horrific. He is all I've got basically. It's easy to move on when you have lots of family to support you when life gets tough. I've never had that and as a result I've had a really difficult life. I'll move on, I know I will. I'm currently in therapy right now too.

@AtrociousCircumstance yes that's correct

I guess I just wanted to know other peoples perspective to validate I'm not wrong for feeling the way I do.

Op you have your child and yourself. Ask being with him is doing is stopping you meeting somewhere who CAN meet your emotional needs.
The bf sexually assaulting you and him brushing it under the carpet would be enough.

Do you live together?

It's easy to move on when you have lots of family to support you when life gets tough.

I left my marriage when I had no one. My childhood was horrific and my ex made sure he was all I had. I get it.

But that is not a reason to stay in this situation. By staying, you are literally guaranteeing that you will never find a life that actually supports you and helps you thrive. As long as he is in your life, there will be no space for anyone else to appear in it. Unless you want to have an affair?

I guess I just wanted to know other peoples perspective to validate I'm not wrong for feeling the way I do.

Don't get stuck in the loop of needing validation. It doesn't matter what other folk think about this.

The facts are:
You are with someone who actively makes you miserable.
You can get out of this situation.
Once you are out, you have a chance to find a support network that makes you happy - this may or may not include a partner, but the possibility will at least be there.

So you need to leave. Stop ruminating on whether it is somehow "ok" for you to leave - that goes without saying. But you MUST stop obsessing about what is wrong with him and how if he just changed you'd feel better - you can't change him - the only solution here is you leaving.

@PrizeOik thank you, I know you are right deep down.

You cannot stay with a man who has absolutely nothing to give you emotionally and who likes, and sees, and sees no problem with, someone who sexually assaulted you. You cannot trust your partner at all and he sounds an appalling waste of your energy and time.

Being in this relationship sounds very emotionally damaging for you OP.

I would feel like there was no point on going on. I would leave ASAP.

I second what prizeoik said: you don’t need validation from us. And yet if it helps, yes of course you are entitled to leave him. You are very unhappy in the relationship, and as another pp said he is not going to change.

I empathise with your situation a lot actually - I too have tried to understand why my emotional needs were not being met in the past. All I got was lots of very long painful conversations, and two people who were fundamentally at odds.

for you- it is hard to leave a relationship, I get that too. But as oik said, while you’re with him there’s no chance of meeting anyone else (or possibly even no chance of meeting the right friends, depending on how untenable your current situation is).