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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will police do anything?

27 replies

User1983 · 15/03/2018 13:06

I’m in an abusive marriage. There is no violence but husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. I have a 7 week old son and he has been his way since I found out I was pregnant as he didn’t want me to have the baby. Things improved slightly when baby was born but are going back to how they were. Examples of what he does are regularly shouting at me calling me a fat cunt, smashing my things and damaging furniture, occasionally he has spat at me, withholding his financial contribution. Long term I know this is over but my question is if I call the police now will they do anything or do I have to go down the civil route. I can’t leave the house with baby and his things (my family don’t live nearby) and I don’t see why I should.

I’m sat downstairs now debating what to do. He is upstairs. Before going up he just went in one of his rages, shouted fat cunt at me several times, knocked a table over, punched the wall, spat at the tv and called our son a fucker, told me to get out of his face for my own safety. He’s upstairs now and calm but this will happen again. If I call the police I expect they will remove him but will they then release him without bail? I’m not scared of him at the moment but if the police get involved he will hurt me I’m sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
User1983 · 15/03/2018 13:08

I meant to say will they release him without bail conditions? If they do he will come back to the house which is my fear.

OP posts:
MelvinThePenguin · 15/03/2018 13:10

From a purely legal perspective, there are criminal laws against all kinds of abuse, including that which you describe.

I’m not sure about bail etc. but you need to act.

Try speaking to a specialist Women’s charity. They will help you.

MelvinThePenguin · 15/03/2018 13:13

www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

Doesn’t matter that there has been no direct violence towards you yet. You are clearly in fear of it Flowers

MuddyForestWalks · 15/03/2018 13:18

You need proper advice from NCDV or Womens Aid

Short answer - he may be committing an offence of coercive/controlling behaviour. If arrested he cannot be held indefinitely and if he admits the offence he will likely be released with a caution (if a first offence). Otherwise if there is enough evidence for a charge he can be bailed with conditions to court.

While it is a coin toss reporting matters to police, and there are some fantastic officers and some (ahem) less so, it is true that a caution or conviction against your partner will massively strengthen your case in the civil and family courts.

If he owns/co-owns the home you will ultimately need a court order (occupation order) to keep him out, and ideally a non molestation order (civil court) or restraining order with power of arrest attached to keep him away.

EJonesx · 15/03/2018 13:20

Do you have family or friends you can go to? Take your baby and leave if so. Wait until he's out and just go. Gather things together that you'll need on the sly and leave and don't look back.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 15/03/2018 13:21

Who's name is the house in?

hellsbellsmelons · 15/03/2018 13:25

Definitely call 101 and log this with the DV team.
Also contact Womens Aid - 0808 2000 247
They can help and advise you on next steps to take to get him away from you.
What is the living situation?
Do you rent?
Who's name is it in?
Unfortunately a lot abusers reveal themselves during their partners pregnancy or the the birth of a child.
It's very common.
Every incident, log it somewhere. Time, day, what happened exactly and that will also be part of your evidence.

Adora10 · 15/03/2018 13:31

You need Police assistance NOW OP, never mind long term, you need away from this disgusting excuse for a human being NOW, not later.

If not for your own safety, for your children's, I'd not have my kids with him for 2 seconds never mind anything else; what a vile revolting human being he is; you need away and get your eyes open, what has him not being violent go to do with it, you and your poor kids who have NO choice are stuck in a toxic, abusive and abnormal situation, get them out, they only have you.

Men like him make me go into a rage, protect yourself, he certainly won't, you're just a punch bag for him.

Shouldileavethedogs · 15/03/2018 13:33

Spitting is violence. It's also a criminal matter. Call 999 now and get him removed. You're in fear for your safely and that of your baby.

shakedowntheground · 15/03/2018 13:54

Yes spitting is common assault - speak to women’s aid. See about evidence you need for a common assault charge

shakedowntheground · 15/03/2018 13:54

Sorry meant occupation order for the property

RyVeeta · 15/03/2018 16:43

These are the reasons I called the police. He was removed from the property, he was cautioned. He is on Claire's list. The police were really good. 999 is absolutely appropriate. Tell them you're scared it will escalate and you can't cope with it, tell them you have a baby. Flowers

ALittleBitConfused1 · 15/03/2018 17:13

Spitting at someone is classed as assault and there are new laws relating to coercive behaviour and financial abuse.
Smashing furniture, punching walls and making threats are all matters the police will be able to help you with.
Call your local station ((or visit) and ask to speak to someone about domestic abuse, each area has their own dedicated team.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 15/03/2018 17:15

If an arrest is made he will be released with bail conditions that prohibit him from approaching or contacting you.

Desmondo2016 · 15/03/2018 18:02

As a police officer I can state confidently that you will be fully supported and there are various orders that can be granted, in addition to bail conditions, to protect you and prevent him from coming to the address. How are you now op? PM me if you want to.

horrayforharoldlloyd · 15/03/2018 18:12

Please get some evidence or a witness. It will make it MUCH easier for you long term

Shouldileavethedogs · 15/03/2018 20:36

OP please touch base. Are you ok.

Original poster
User1983 · 22/03/2018 20:14

So to update, I didn’t do anything on the day I posted originally. Today, my husband was shouting and swearing at me again and banging things etc. I was scared and ran out in my dressing gown with my baby. I phoned 999. Police arrived etc and went to speak to him and he had by that time calmed down and said we simply had a row. The police said the best they could do is ask him to leave the property for one night but he would have to come back after that and the best thing is for me to leave!! My parents live far away and I don’t see why me and baby should leave our house. I am now back in the house as I thought having husband removed for one night would make things worse. We are simply avoiding each other. I do appreciate the advice given on here but my experience has been that although the police have the best intentions and said all the right things to me, they were fairly powerless. I would need to go down the civil route which isn’t easy either. I regret phoning them. Neighbours have seen the commotion and I have made husband more angry and so nothing has been gained.

OP posts:
Mary1935 · 22/03/2018 20:29

Hi Op you shouldn't have the mentality about "why should l leave the house" 'he is dangerous and you and YOUR child are damaged by this. Well done for calling the police - you have marked his card and it maybe enough to shut the bully up. But it may escalate. Your relationship is doomed - he won't change. Go to your parents but look after yourself this evening. He may turn - I'd have your phone on standby.

pog100 · 22/03/2018 20:33

I am sorry that in this case the police couldn't act. It's shit. However, you are now building up a recorded and incontravertible case of his behaviour. This will be of fantastic help when you, hopefully soon, manage to leave him. You must get yourself out.
Good luck

hellsbellsmelons · 23/03/2018 09:05

I don’t see why me and baby should leave our house
Because you are living with an abuser and a bully.
And you need to get some distance from him.
It's about protecting yourself and your DC.
It's just a house.
You need to get away and as fast as possible.

beenandgoneandbackagain · 23/03/2018 09:24

Please try and understand that punching furniture is actually an abusive way of saying "this time it's the furniture but next time it could be you..." It's a threat of violence.

Please don't put bricks and mortar before you and your child's safety. This man will not change. So either you live in fear for the next forty years, or you make the decision to leave and decide how to proceed with house sale/transfer of assets/divorce from a safe place. Please do try and prioritise your physical safety.

MrsBertBibby · 23/03/2018 09:28

Is the house owned, rented, or council/HA?

mamas12 · 23/03/2018 09:34

Please contact women's aid you don't seem to in the right frame of mind to think straight
He is abusing you and making you doubt yourself
You can leave to go to your parents or phone then now and tell them what's going n they will cone to you
If you were my daughter I would be there in a shot for you and your baby

Original poster
User1983 · 26/03/2018 21:47

I received a voicemail from my health visitor today. She has been notified by the police about the incident which took places. She thinks I am staying with my family when I am still in the family home as we are trying to address the issues between us. I am due to see her in a fortnight and she said that she is happy to see me then still but if I need help she can see me before. My worry now is that she will involve social services. Is this likely and if so, what will they do? I am certain of my safety and baby’s safety. The reason I phoned the police is as I was at the end of my my tether with the verbal abuse but surely that’s not reason enough for baby to be taken away?

OP posts: