Advice needed on anxiety in on off relationship

[hollybatgirl]

I’ve been in an on off relationship for a year now with a guy I’ve known for about 4 years, my daughter (who is 12) gets on ok with him. I know him through work although we don’t really see each other at work due to being in different departments. We knew each other pretty well before we started seeing each other, I was single and he was having a ‘relationship’ with a married woman (who also works for the same company but is based miles away and I don’t really know her) who he’d been seeing on and off for about 8 years. He finished things with her and we started seeing each other. But it was always in the back of my mind that he was still in touch with her as he had spent a long time before we got together texting me and flirting which all stopped when we were finally a couple. So every little thing set me off worrying, I tried to talk to him about it and it just seemed like he couldn’t give me a straight answer and said I was being silly. Anyway, I didn’t trust him so we broke up for a month then got back together then ended up breaking up again the week before Christmas.

We started messaging again on an off just general stuff like hows things and stuff about work. Then he popped into the office with a coffee for me and we chatted and I realised I still love him, deeply. We have met up a few times since for coffee, walks with his dog and the cinema, we have flirted lots and we clearly still have strong feelings for each other. He has said he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me as he wants us to get to know each other again, I don’t know if I can do this, its driving me crazy.

So we went to the cinema on Tuesday night and I stupidly asked if he had been in touch with his ex, he said no then said she’d been to Italy, I asked how he knew and he said she’d text him asking for something to do with work, alarm bells started ringing again as he had promised he’d blocked her number and why would she be on holiday with her family and texting him about work? He changed the subject then said he wasn’t that complicated and wasn’t ever going back to her but he has been on and off with me for a year so I don’t know what is going on. My anxieties have hit a massive high, I’m trying so hard not to think too much about it and have a rational explanation and making excuses for him like being really stressed at work etc but Im really struggling to the point where I haven’t eaten for a few days and I cant sleep or concentrate at work.

I think you know what you need to do, he isn’t going to change unfortunately.

It will be difficult but walk away now and find someone who treats you properly.

I was with my abusive ex for 19 years and my anxiety was through the roof and I was on anti depressants, now I’m with someone who treats me well and while I still get anxious it’s a lot less.

There’s someone much better out there for you, so don’t waste any more time

Thank you, I think you're probably right. I did think we had a future together as we get on so well and I was blaming myself for looking too deeply into the scenarios that arose and making excuses like he could have lied and said he'd not heard from her at all etc.

I don't think it would be so bad if I had someone to talk to about it, that's why I've come on here.

No wonder you have high anxiety when someone is treating you like that. He turns on the attention tap when he wants to reel you back in. I'm afraid that nothing is going to change, you need to finish it. Also this is a terrible example for your daughter, would you want her to be in the same position?

Yes you're right, and written in black and white like that has totally made sense to me now, thank you so much for that. I guess I'd better get my big girl pants on and stock up on tissues for the tears.

No wonder you have anxiety being with him, he's a liar, a cheat and has told you he still doesn't know if he wants a proper relationship with you, all this after one year! Get rid, he's stringing you along.

He's never cheated on anyone, his ex was the one who cheated on her husband with him. But you are right on the other points, thanks.

he was having a ‘relationship’ with a married woman

Sorry but in my book anyone who gets involved with a married person (for 8 years) is a cheat in my book, they are cheating the innocent party who has no clue they are being taken for a ride.

Asides that, yes, he has told you he's not sure, that's your answer, get rid, you've already wasted time on him, and he will STILL be in touch with the ex.

Yeah I understand what you mean, I call it his little affair. To be honest, I think he was happy being with someone he couldnt have a proper relationship with so there were no ties. He says he's changed and I need to get to know him again too before be decide its what we want but this is me making excuses again, I know I'm doing it and I know I'm an absolute idiot too.