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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

need to let it go now?

16 replies

onmytiptoes · 14/03/2018 17:25

so my husband's done some stuff in the past which has built up resentment in me towards him and anytime he does something that annoys me or we're having a disagreement about something I lose it and scream at him and I know it's because of the things he's done in the past.
I want to get over it and be a better person but why can't I seem to let go of the resentment?
firstly about 4 years ago just weeks before i was due my twins I was on crutches with spd. His parents decided his brother who had got married should have a reception abroad because he had a very very small wedding and they felt it wasn't a big enough celebration.
They wanted to go two weeks before i was due (they couldnbt care less about my prgnancies). They wanted my husband to go along but obv I couldn't get on a plane.
I expected my husband to say no as I was due his first born children, however after initially telling them he shouldn't go he asked me if I would be ok with him going as long as he came back a week before the due date, obviously I was angry and hormones and all made me give him an ultimatum saying that if he deserted me at a time like this then he wouldn't see his babies at all.He ended up not going but the fact that he asked hurt me. I couldn't walk 2 feet without help at this point and the only other person who would've been with me was my elderly father. plus the fact that it was my first pregnancy and what if the babies had come early?
Second thing, I found out his parents had been spreading lies about me to family friends saying I had threatened to punch his dad ( I'm the most timid person I know and couldn't fight a kitten let alone a person). Husbands response was just ignore it so I now have the whole community hating me for something I never did but his need to protect his father was greater than his need to protect me.
This all happened many years ago and he's never apologised he just has excuses for why he did it or sometimes he denies it.
How can I make myself get over it? we don't argue a lot but when we do I explode, it sounds so stupid written down but what can I do to just forget it all and leave it in the past where it belongs?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 14/03/2018 17:33

What's his attitude towards you like now? If he's acting in the same sort of way then I'm not surprised you're still arguing

Original poster

onmytiptoes · 14/03/2018 17:39

The thing is I don't bring these things up in the argument but I know that the reason I explode over something is because deep down I still have anger over it all.
He will always put his family before me that will never change.
Why's he never apologised though? I don't think he thinks he did anything wrong and I think that's what keeps the hurt going if you see what I mean

OP posts:

Original poster

onmytiptoes · 14/03/2018 17:40

I don't want to leave him or anything, it's not that big an issue but I wish I could get rid of this resentment and loss of respect towards him

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 14/03/2018 17:42

If he won't apologise or put you first then its not surprising you're still disproprortionately angry

His family sound awful

S0ph1a · 14/03/2018 17:44

I think that your husband always puts his parents before you and his children IS a big issue. I’d have a problem with it too.

Original poster

onmytiptoes · 14/03/2018 18:03

iv had to accept it. we see them maybe once a week so I can handle that

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 14/03/2018 18:19

I think if you're going to accept coming second to his family you have to fully accept it and that means being able to let go of the hurt and resentment from his past actions. You could try some counselling, see if being able to freely express your feelings about it helps you to let it go but if you can't then I think maybe 'accepting it' as an ongoing state of affairs isn't going to work.

For what it's worth I'm not surprised you have resentment, it's hard to really forgive someone when they can't even accept they were/are wrong. And I don't think you should be accepting coming second either, being your partners priority should be a given, I'm not sure I could stay in a relationship where I wasn't and I wonder why you feel it's good enough for you?

Original poster

onmytiptoes · 14/03/2018 18:24

He's extremely soft and so I know he's not doing it in nasty way but he just can't stop being a doormat to his family because he can't stand to see them upset with him.
That's why I've accepted it

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 14/03/2018 18:29

But he can stand to see you upset? You, his wife, the person who's supposed to be number one in his life? It's ok for you to be upset but not them?

Original poster

onmytiptoes · 14/03/2018 19:06

He palms it off by saying "YYou know what they're like". or 'it's up to them how they act you just need to ignore it'

OP posts:

Original poster

onmytiptoes · 14/03/2018 19:09

can i ever get over this resentment? I think that's the question because recently it's so bad I can't sleep with him as all I think about is how weak he is to have treated me like that. (it was triggered by him giving in to his family yet again over something)
i feel like I'm massively overreacting and I probably am but I can't seem to let go.

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 14/03/2018 19:28

Like I said before you could try counselling, being able to let it all out properly might mean you can then leave it behind. My worry would be how will you deal with any future instances where you get hurt or sidelined so he doesn't have to have his family upset with him, because it doesn't sound as though his priorities will be any different going forward.

The problem is that you've resolved nothing, all that's happened is you've stifled your feelings by 'accepting' second place and I don't see how you can avoid those feelings resurfacing when nothing has changed.

Any chance he'd consider marriage counselling?

Gemini69 · 14/03/2018 21:29

I would not spend one minute in the company or this Filth....

Original poster

onmytiptoes · 14/03/2018 21:40

He would consider counselling yes. I'll look into it for us and hopefully get something soon as I feel myself pulling away from him a lot recently and I just want to get back to normal.

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 14/03/2018 23:05

why do you and He need counselling... you're normal adults.. it's the inlaws that need bloody counselling OP

ChickenMom · 15/03/2018 04:53

I don’t think you are over reacting at all. His family sound deliberately difficult and interfering. They forced their other son to have a wedding reception abroad and booked it for when you were due? Twins notoriously come early so it’s entirely possible that if your husband had gone that he would have missed the birth. I’m not surprised you are hurt and angry! I wouldn’t have been able to let that go. The thing to remember is that you and your kids are his primary family now and should come first. He should be defending and protecting you. No wonder you feel so upset and resentful. I would too! He is supposed to defend you. What a let down. I suggest couples counselling too. I think you need professional help through this. He needs to set boundaries with his family and enforce them. You shouldn’t have to see or deal with his family until that therapy has ended and you feel happy that he’s committed to change

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