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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

how do you cope when there is a workload imbalance in your relationship.

25 replies

twinsetandpearls · 07/05/2007 14:51

dp works hard but it is a nine till five job or 8 till four thirty with an early finisn on a friday.

I teach and the school I work in is very demanding which means that I ahve to work much much longer hours, for example ,y bank holiday monday had seen me at my desk from nine this morning while dp has been watching videoes with the dd, playing with the dog and just relaxing.

We bicker about housework as dp says it is not his fault that I have chosen a demanding career so I should do my share, which often means thatI ahve to live on a few hours sleep to keep up with the housework and my job.

I can just feel some resentment creeping in that dp has all this chillout time and I am either cleaning or working for school. It has got so bad recently as I ahve so many deadlines at once that I am constantly having breathing difficulties and pains in my chest while everyone else is care free but when I talk to dp he just says get another job. This is only going to get worse as I am going to increase my hours and hopefully get a big promotion. Dp is not particularly ambitious so it will be down to me in the future if we want to raise our standardof living but dp says he is not bothered by money and that if I want to work myself into the ground for more stuff that is my problem - although for me a promtion is just as much about ambition as money.

So how do you cope when one partner has a normal workload and the other an excessive one.

OP posts:

saadia · 07/05/2007 14:53

this sounds very unfair indeed - does he do any housework?

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 07/05/2007 14:54

yes he does don't want to create an impression that he is lazy as he isn't, he probably does more of the day to day stuff than me.

OP posts:

mumto3girls · 07/05/2007 14:55

can you afford a cleaner?

dotcom · 07/05/2007 14:56

could you get a cleaner for a couple of hours per week?

takes the pressure off

dotcom · 07/05/2007 14:56

x posts!

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 07/05/2007 14:56

but he is a surface cleaner and tends to tidy by hiding things in cupboards so I I can't just leave him to it without createing a huge job for myself in the future.

Like yesterday for example as I have been caught up with work he has been doing most of the houework so yesterday I musthave cleaned and tidied from nine in the morning until about ten at night with a break to take the kids to the pictures. Dp was out most of the day but did help when he gto back.

OP posts:

Monkeytrousers · 07/05/2007 14:58

If you can afford it get a cleaner.

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 07/05/2007 14:59

we were going to hire an aupair but it meant dd having a smaller bedroom which didn't work out.

I also lost some hours I hoped to be getting atwork tomorrow and they are making staff redundnat which means most of our spare money is going into an emergency fund just incase I loose my job. We are also saving for Florida.

Depending on my job security we may geta cleaner for a few hours next week.

But even with a cleaner there will still be the issue bubbling away underneath that I work a lot more hours than dp and I do have to deal with that as it is my choice but I do find it hard.

OP posts:

saadia · 07/05/2007 15:00

So, his argument is that the housework should be divided equally and it's not his fault if you have other school work to do. Could you perhaps explain that a relationship should be a partnership where each one supports and encourages the other as much as possible. Your work is also for the benefit of the family.

Failing that, would you be able to get a cleaner?

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 07/05/2007 15:00

hoped to be getting at work next year not tomorrow, sorry that is my stress talking as I have a deadline for tomorrwo that I am struggling to meet.

OP posts:

saadia · 07/05/2007 15:01

x-posted with everyone.

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 07/05/2007 15:01

that is his argument exactly saadia, and to be fair to him he does do more than me and is happyish to do this but every now and again he blows up at me about it.

OP posts:

moondog · 07/05/2007 15:10

I do loads more housework than dh as his work is far more stressful and time consuming than mine.Seems only fair.

mamma2kids · 07/05/2007 15:11

Bickering over housework is a silly way to ruin your relationship and break up a happy home.
You cannot dictate to DP what he should do in his own time. You have 2 choices, sacrifice your job to keep a tidy house (which would be a huge waste of your skills and talents) or lower your standards at home.
I went for the latter.

unknownrebelbang · 07/05/2007 15:11

We're considering getting a cleaner, although our imbalance is different in that DH works long hard hours, but gets the odd day off during the week. I work more or less school hours (throughout the year) but never get a day off without a reason iykwim.

We have three boys so I'm tied up a lot of the time with their activities, therefore neither of us has a great deal of time to do much housework.

We both sometimes feel hard-done to, and both have a whinge at each other every now and again.

Hope you get it sorted.

Monkeytrousers · 07/05/2007 15:17

Ask him if he can live without the perks and the holidays your extra hours bring - if he can, reduce them. He won;'t do more housework, he really wont

mankyscotslass · 07/05/2007 15:18

So is his issue the extra work he is doing in the house, or not having as much time with you as he would like? Or is he jealous of your success and ambition but isnt able to admit it?
It sounds like your goals in life are at almost opposite ends of the spectrum, you bith need to sit down and find middle ground in this. Is there any chance of being able to get some time together just the two of you to discuss it?

FrayedKnot · 07/05/2007 15:33

TSAP DH and I have a reasonable balance I think, with oocasional flare-ups when one o both of us is particulalry tired.

The way I always look at it is to work backwards from a fairly shared out amount of "downtime".

If one person is sitting down in the evening relaxing and the other is still flat out with chores then the relaxing person should pitch in to help get things done sooner, so you can both sit doen and have a rest.

Similarly if DH has had to bring home wrok that night I do not expect him to be making the packed lunches or clearing up supper stuff.

Does that make sense? Could you sell the idea to DH like that?

It doesn;t sound like you feel you get an equal share of any rest / relaxation time, and it sounds like you badly need it.

thegardener · 07/05/2007 18:58

i agree with the others re 'get a cleaner', possibly one that will do ironing aswell, that's what my mil did when her & fil both worked fulltime when dh & bil were younger, she's also a teacher!

It just seems a shame when you start bickering over housework and who's done the most/least recently.

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 07/05/2007 22:57

it is partly about cleaning and hopefully in september it will be possible for us to get a cleaner whichc will resolve some of the tension.

But it is also about the fact that I am permanently under pressure, very tired and stressed and as a result often ill whereas he has a verycare free life other than having to deal with my stress ! As his demands are very different he justcan't understand the pressure I am under which can lead to arguments as I can have an abrupt manner sometimes but that is only because I am always working my way through a never ending list of jobs whether they be domestic or work related. And sometimes I just feel so alone as I know he can't empathise.

OP posts:

Original poster

twinsetandpearls · 07/05/2007 22:58

Infact when I was watching the obedient wife stuff I am exactly like their nightmare alpha male type wife who needs to let go of control. Maybe I need to go and live in Kansas and start wearing smocks.

OP posts:

mankyscotslass · 08/05/2007 07:49

I think that's what I was getting at really. It's not about the housework, more both your frustrations that you have totally different priorities and ambitions. What is important to him, what are his goals in life? What are yours? Are you doing everything because you feel you should or have to, as he won't, or because you want to? Are either of you prepared to compromise? You sound so resentful of his laid back attitude and lack of support, and he just seems to not "get" you and your goals. Has it always been like this, or did you start out with similar ideals, and life got in the way? If you can't get a middle ground in all of this both of you are going to become more and more resentful and stressed...it sounds like you want to be appreciated for the work you are doing (rightly so) and he does not feel that in the grand scheme of things that these matter to him at the end of the day. Sounds a cliche i know, but what about you both writing out what's important and what you need/ want from each other, sharing the information or counselling? Or would he not be prepared to do this...from what you have said he seems to be happy to put all the blame/responsibilty on your shoulders.

mamma2kids · 08/05/2007 12:52

Twinset Don't start wearing smocks !!
I started to feel stressed a while back and concluded that I needed to eat better, sleep better spend more time with the family and less time on housework and have regular time out to myself (ie the odd Sat morning to go shops etc,). The hardest thing was lowering my standards in the house. But I've soon got used to it!
I feel much happier these days and am a nicer person too (I think).

jellybellie · 08/05/2007 13:06

It seems that arguing over housework/domestic chores isn't really the key issue here but it is obviously clouding the real issues. You need to really try and get these issues clear in your own mind and then talk with dp to explain how you are feeling. It sounds like your career is obviously very demanding and takes up a lot of your time - provided that you are happy with this then you need to both accept that this is the case and devise ways of working around the other issues - have you thought about couples counselling? - I have no experience of it myself but some friends who were facing similar circumstances to you did this and it really helped them to see what the real issues were. Housework/chores etc are not important - your mental/physical health and wellbeing of you and your family are and just getting a cleaner is not likely to resolve all your problems

mumblechum · 08/05/2007 13:11

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread, but just to illustrate the way we work things:
DH leaves house 7am, back 6pm. Works usually 9pm-2am at home. At weekends, typically works 8 hours spread over the 2 days.

I leave 8.30, back 3pm for school pickup, four days per week.

I do everything in the house, all cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, ironing, lighting fires, childcare (tho'mines 12 now so not so much of that).

DH does gardening, runs the finances.

I think it's reasonable that he does virtually nothing in the house because of the hours he works. If I was working full time I'd expect to do 2/3rds of house hold tasks on the basis that he'd still be working a few hours at night & weekends.

Hope that helps.

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