How do you manage when you have different standards ?

[Peachsnowpop]

As the title says. When I say standards I mean standards of living at home. I don't expect a show home, far from it, but I do expect dinner and cooking things to be cleared away before bed, things to be in their place before bed e.g. shoes in shoe rack, coats on coat stand and dishwasher on. I don't expect to come downstairs in the morning to find the place a shithole and last night's food on plates still, to have to clear it all up before i can then start the day. AIBU ?

How long have you been together, do you both work FT, have you discussed this until you’re blue in the face already?

In our house, lots of rows. I have to do it all, but have lower standards.
Lee threatened to leave, I told him to go, he backed off for a bit.....

FWIW this is one of the many reasons I split with my DP of 5 years. He just left his crap everywhere - we didn’t live together but he’d visit, drop rubbish, carrier bags full of food/clothes everywhere and leave dirty clothes on the floor, which I then had the option to leave there until the following week when he came back or pick up after him like his mum. Any attempt to get him to pick up his own stuff ended in an argument.

Wasn’t worth the grief of having to constantly battle with myself over whether to just suck it up or say something, but if said something I had to watch my tone, as I couldn’t say anything without it getting nasty.

His idea of tidy is not my idea of tidy. Likewise his idea of cleaning away after dinner is certainly not my idea of how the kitchen should be left. He's 'tidied away' tonight after dinner - there's still food on the kitchen floor. Food bits in the sink, a plate of food left out (uneaten dinner). I can't stand it but he sees no wrong !!

@myrelationshipisweird omg we've both got (had) the same bloke. This is my H to the letter

I think it depends on how stuck in your ways you both are and if you’re willing to compromise. I would love everything to be sorted before bed but we compromise on the fact that if DP doesn’t wash up at night he does it first thing when he gets up so I don’t end up doing it and we also scrape plates into the bin and leave a neatish stack of washing up rather than stuff all over the kitchen.
I’ve given up on trying to get shoes and coats put away tho when he’s just going to need to get it out again the next day.
I don’t think it’s necessarily fair to expect someone to have the same standards as you unless they’re being unhygienic

Sounds like my DH :( his version of ‘tidying up’ is just not mine, it involves putting things away but not actually cleaning, so if he’s cleaning up after dinner he’ll fill the dishwasher, but not sweep up crap off the floor or wipe down the surfaces properly, and leaves bits of food in the sink, drives me up the bloody wall

Send him this link . It didn’t work for my ex but if you’re at the end of your tether it might be worth a try?!

I just don't see the things you mention as an issue. Why put a coat away if you need to put in on again in the morning? Why not have a cozy night by the TV and do the washing up in the cold light of day, it won't go anywhere etc. But my DH is like you and it drives him potty. He vacuums for no apparent reason other than it is "due" a vacuum
We have been together a long time. I try to force myself to anticipate what he will see as mess and he tries to turn a blind eye to my clutter for as long as he can. We still disagree about the standards but compromise where we can and have a row when we can't

Frankly, I didn't marry him. He was not willing to put in the effort and I could see myself living with a slob, being pissed off and frustrated every single day. And him being nagged every day, because those things simply didn't matter to him.

DH and I share same standards, we like it clean. It's lovely.

Is this a recent development or has his standards always been very different to yours? If he hasn’t changed that much, why did you think his standards would move closer to yours?

Urgh. Could've written this post myself. Some people just seem to be blind to the mess. Amount of times I've heard "kitchen is clean" after dinner only to go in and find bits of food all over the worktop... I'm the first to admit that I am a bit of a Monica, but its not exactly hard to wipe down surfaces. I am really sensitive to smells which is why I don't like plates being left out and unclean surfaces because I think it makes the place smell unpleasant. But then, of course, we become the 'nags' if we mention it. I do think it's important to have respect for other people's views on how you like the home to be kept, since it is a space you jointly occupy and these things can be a source of immense irritation. I find an unclean house exaccerbates stress for me, so usually end up on a cleaning rampage if I get stressed! I'm currently on mat leave so I try to do most of the cleaning through the week to stay on top of things, and then I get OH to help with the deep clean at the weekends, but I guess it all comes down to what your schedules are like. I certainly don't think it's unreasonable for you to expect him to pitch in, and I resent the fact that the age old "but its only you that is bothered about it" argument comes up. If something bothers someone in any other context, you'd try and make a bit of effort to change that, wouldn't you?! On your side, OP... perhaps if he's so averse to cleaning up after himself you could suggest he pays for a cleaner!

Is it really such a problem though? If you want the kitchen to be tidied a certain way, do it yourself.

It takes 5 minutes to sweep up food and wipe the sink around. Same with putting shoes away or hanging up a coat.

Why start an argument over it?!

I can never understand why people make such a big deal about such small issues!

Couldn't stand it personally and would not live like this, food left overnight on floor and on work tops, nah, sorry, it's pure laziness, he's not blind I assume.

I couldn't live that way myself. I take pride in my home and don't want to come down to a mess in the morning. Most of the jobs take very little time to do, but they are not mine to do because I am the woman of the house. My husband does his share, otherwise we wouldn't be together. Each to their own but I find the" it will only get messy again so why bother "mentality very lazy.

if it takes 5 minutes and is no effort at all, why does one person always leave the 5 minute jobs to the other to do?

Katharina because for the other partner, the 5 minute jobs are not necessary. It isn't that they do nothing, just that what they do isn't up to the OPs standard.

Why did you marry him? Surely these differences become apparent in the first few months?

And I don't agree with that linked article. What about HER compromising. Too.

He cleans up, stacks dishwasher, or washes pots and pans. So basically tidy. But then leaves a glass.

In the grand scheme of things? Is he loving, caring, respect, attentive, earns well, good dad .... etc etc, but ....
This?

Seriously, 8/10 for my criteria of a good man, a suitable husband. But you'd considering leaving? Over a fucking cup?

Well. Then maybe it's best that you do. Leave. That is.

Good luck on finding a better husband..... grass always greener.....

Maybe you need to do a bit of self-analysis, as to why this grates so much?