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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I leave him or back off?

25 replies

Beegee01 · 13/03/2018 19:57

For context, I'm 37 my dp is 39 and he has a DD who is 8 from a previous relationship. We've been together approximately 18 months and moved in together about 3 months in. At the start of our relationship I made it clear that I had always wanted children and that my biggest regret in life that was that I'd wasted 8 years on an XP who said he might want children someday but ultimately didn't. I told him it was a big priority and that I didn't want to waste time if I could help it.

Anyway, at the start of January this year we agreed I could come off the pill which I did so we could TTC. I asked him quite a few times if he was sure and he assured me he was. We had an argument last week about a separate issue and he said that (because of disagreements recently he didn't feel we were ready to have children and that was the reason he had been avoiding having sex with me. I was at the Dr yesterday who prescribed me the pill again which I haven't taken yet. I said about it to him last night after sex (probably bad timing!) and he just said, "good for you- congratulations". Any thoughts please? I'm very upset.

OP posts:

VioletCharlotte · 13/03/2018 19:58

He sounds like a bit of an idiot or be honest. If this was a one off then give him the benefit of the doubt, but it sounds like there are other issues?

Grobagsforever · 13/03/2018 21:24

He has a child and yet moved in with you after three months????

TheNaze73 · 13/03/2018 21:26

He has a child and yet moved in with you after three months????

That was my first thought too

Bosabosa · 13/03/2018 21:27

He doesn’t sound like he feels the relationship is strong enough to withstand children.
Do you actually want a child with him? Or just a child?

Cricrichan · 13/03/2018 21:30

No they moved in after 15 months together.

Op you need to find out Chrystal clearly what you and your dp wants.

Foodylicious · 13/03/2018 21:35

Did he know you were going to the doctor?
Had you agreed after your argument that you would not try for a while?

If so one of you should have clarified what you were (both) doing to prevent pregnancy before dtd.

Does this man make your heart sing/skip?
How do you get along generally?

Are you sure it's him you really want yo start a family with?
Not just that you want a baby and he is who you are with at the moment?
Sorry if that sounds rude, it's not meant to

Foodylicious · 13/03/2018 21:37

Cricrichan OP says they have been together 18 months, moved in together 3 months in.
Not 3 months ago?

SmileyBird · 13/03/2018 22:13

I thought they were three months into living together.

VladmirsPoutine · 13/03/2018 22:20

To be frank you have to decide ultimately what you want the most. A child at any cost or to carve out a relationship with this bloke.

Presumably the 8yr old doesn't live with you both?

You as a woman have limited window of opportunity to have children. He can still impregnate women in 10 years from now whereas you won't be able to have children in 10 years from now.

What do you ultimately want? If you had to pick between him and children?

SandyY2K · 13/03/2018 22:23

He's not ready to have a child with you .... he doesn't think the relarionship is sold enough ( the arguing) and I suspect he doesn't want to end up having another child he doesn't live (and has to pay CS for) if you split up.

LimonViola · 13/03/2018 22:32

OP clearly states they moved in together three months into the relationship.

OP, I don't think he sounds like he wants a child with you yet and you don't have time to waste. Decide if you're happy to risk giving up on kids for this man. If so you can wait a while and see if he feels ready to try then. But if not, I'd be seriously considering leaving and finding someone or looking into doing it alone. Bear in mind that's also a risk and there's no guarantees either way. You could not meet anyone else in time (you wouldn't want to just jump into TTC with someone new obviously), but if your current partner isn't keen and can't give you a firm Idea of what he wants to change before you TTC (I.e. Is it some ever changing idea of 'when things are better' or can he say what will need to change? If he is just unsure and not ready for a child and doesn't know when or if he will be he has every right to that and that's good info for you to have) at least you have a chance of doing it with someone else or alone

Sometimeitrains · 13/03/2018 23:04

Id ask him what you meant when you said good for you congratulations and take it from there....

Joysmum · 13/03/2018 23:09

I think he’s very sensible.

I wasn’t sure enough to start ttc for years (my parent divorced so wanted to be solid first), and my dh needed longer still.

No matter how desperate I was, I would not have wanted to start ttc until I was 100% happy and sure of my marriage.

Original poster

Beegee01 · 14/03/2018 15:04

We moved in together 3 months and this is why I didn't feel it was too soon to TTC, especially given my age. By this I mean that I feel I know him sufficiently by this stage. His DD doesn't live with us but he sees her overnight every weekend. She either stays with us or with his mum.

We didn't discuss after our argument last week about us stopping TTC but I just assumed given his comments that it was now off the table. I mentioned the pill the other night as I hadn't taken it yet and thought it was an opportunity to give his definite opinion on this one way or the other.

I'm annoyed as when it was agreed back in January I double-checked with him several times that he was 100% agreeing with it. He said he knew how important it was to me (not to him, I suppose) and that it was definitely ok that I stopped taking the pill. I also don't think it is good for my body to stop/start it due to the hormones involved and how it will mess up my cycle.

OP posts:

Sometimeitrains · 14/03/2018 17:01

Sorry when you say his daughter lives with his mother do you mean your partners mother as opposed to the childs other parent?
If so that is a red flag right there saying he does not want to be a parent along with him saying its important to you not him.tbh everything youve said sounds like you are pressuring him to agree to something you want bringing a child into such an artangment does not sound wise

Gemini69 · 14/03/2018 17:19

Ask him to leave... find someone who shares your dreams

Shoxfordian · 14/03/2018 17:35

It doesn't sound like he wants another child really

It may be better to cut your losses and move on

Grobagsforever · 14/03/2018 18:28

So this is a man who:

a) Doesn't see the child he has much at all, not even one night a week as some of that contact time is spent with his mum?

b) Cares so little for his child that he moved in with a new partner after the child had known her less than three months??

Umm yeah. Don't have kids with this man until he demonstrates he can parent the one he already has

Foodylicious · 14/03/2018 18:39

Really not sure he sounds like the one for you and if he doesn't want more children/has changed his mind there Really is nothing you can do about it.

It's was as much his responsibility as yours (before you dtd the other night) to discuss contracetion again.

But I do think it's unfair of you to tell him it afterwards that you had gone and got the pill but not started it.

Do you know where you are in your cycle?

Original poster

Beegee01 · 14/03/2018 19:25

I was on day 11 and peak ovulation is day 15 (going by the ovulation I took the last 2 months). I think this makes it safe enough??

OP posts:

Original poster

Beegee01 · 14/03/2018 19:26

Ovulation tests I meant to say.

OP posts:

charles10 · 14/03/2018 19:45

Hi as a man can I make a comment? He probably love and he is scared that the relationship is not strong enough or could and having to leave another child if the relationship break? When people argue they emotions takes over and often things are said that people regret I read a very good book called the chimp paradox that explains this very well. I hope you get sorted take care

Foodylicious · 14/03/2018 20:17

Are you still opking?

I expect there is still a small chance of conception.

Is he talking to you properly again?
Any idea how he wants to move forward with the relationship?

Just trying to get a better picture if him, would he have more contact with his daughter if he could?
Once a fortnight is not much.

Original poster

Beegee01 · 14/03/2018 20:29

Thanks so much for the comments- much appreciated. He sees his DD every weekend albeit that some of this time is spent with his mum.

I didn't bother opking this month as felt his heart wasn't in it and to be honest I had a suspicion he was avoiding sex. I mean, I felt that if you are genuinely trying to conceive you would want to have sex during your dp's most fertile days. I think he just agreed to it in the first place as he knew/thought it was a deal breaker for me and that I wouldn't be strung along again like I was with my XP. I'm actually surprised he admitted to avoiding sex so I didn't conceive, but that was said in the heat of an argument.

We haven't had a proper discussion about last week. He said he loves me and we made it up but the topic of TTC seems out of bounds. He didn't even say to me about the pill again. Maybe I should bring it up but it was obvious he was closing off and didn't want to talk about it.

OP posts:

Foodylicious · 14/03/2018 20:56

Good to hear you have made up.
Might be best leaving it for a little while then bringing it up again I guess.

It must be so hard for you potentially having to think about leaving an otherwise happy relationship you have invested time and love in.

Flip