Agonising over whether to split - 3 young kids. Don't know which way to turn- advice please!

[mint2]

Blimey- where to start?!
Have been with DH for 18 years and we have 3 lovely children ages 6,7 and 8. Gave up job and spent 7 years looking after the kids. Returned to work last year and am loving it. Over the last 4 years have been ever more unhappy with our relationship but have told myself just to get through it (the ominous feelings have come and gone lots of times). However, over the last few months it's dawned on me that although I love him and we have a good laugh sometimes, my feelings have really gone and it's like sharing a house at college or living with a friend.
He now knows how I feel and wants us to go to counselling, which I am prepared to do as this is potentially a massive decision. However, I know in my heart of hearts that the feelings I had will not come back and a physical relationship is not on the agenda either. I know that our families and friends will more than likely think I am crazy if we split as on the outside we have so much going for us. An additional worry for me is that all my life I have suffered from poor self-esteem and anxiety and am frightened of whether I am strong enough to cope (mentally) on my own with the kids.
Can anyone please offer advice - I just don't know which way to turn!

Make some real plans eg where would you live, will the kids change schools, will you have to trim your spending, what other changes will there be?

Then see if you still feel the same.

You will probably find that your self esteem improves if you make the split, so I wouldn't worry about that bit

Oh dear, minty. What a mess

I guess the only sensible advice is this ... (and love and relationships are rarely sensible). Try to stay together. Raising children with two is easier, and they're at a bad age for break-ups. There's nothing wrong with living with your college friend, and many things wrong with the tempestuous nature of many, more amorous relationships.

I don't know why a physical relationship is not on the agenda, and it's up to you whether you want to go into that here, but please think carefully before you take steps that will rock your family to its foundations.

I think your self esteem probably has improved since you started work. Could it be that maybe you are feeling a little bit bored with your relationship? It seems a shame to think about walking away and splitting up what basically seems a good foundation for a marriage. And you know, the grass isn't always greener on the other side

Kerrymum,
Thank you for your message. I'm 37.
There is no-one else and I wouldn't want anyone if we split. However, when I've been out with my friends there has been a guy who I have chatted to and he has asked my friends for my number several times. I would not act on this - it's not about him or anyone else but I guess it makes me focus on how unhappy I am.

Ifonlyhewould,
Thank you for your message. I have asked advice of lots of my friends (some of whom have been through something similar and had trial separations) - some have said that the grass can appear greener......

I just don't know if we stick it out for the sake of the kids if I can survive another 10 years like this.

if you live life happily with each other. have laughs etc, then why do you want to split with im?
so what if you are not #inlove# with him anymore? if you have a good life, he is a good father etc, then why rock the boat? there is nothing better out there. why open yourself up to more and difficult issues?

Ok. you know what I think, I wonder if you are bored with you, you don't know what you want out of life. You have 'grown' since you started work and maybe you feel you have outgrown your life.

Maybe you need to set yourself some new challenges, stretch yourself a little more.
Being a single parent will be a challenge, thats for sure but, maybe it won't be the one you are looking for

Obviously I'm not in you marriage , nor can I say I know 'exactly' how you feel, but from your post, splitting up sounds like madness. It really comes across like you're treating divorce as a fait accompli, that you see any improvement to be impossible. Kind of a negative and half-arsed apporoach to yours and your children's futures if I may say so.

There are loads of threads on here from women whose husbands have had an affair, but who are fighting tooth and nail to save thier marriages, partly for themselves, partly because their marriage, and eg the last 18 years deserve it, and partly for the kids.

You say you love him, you say you have a lot going for you. Instead of limply saying in your heart of hearts the feelings you had won't come back, maybe you could put a bit more urgency and importance into this?

Why won't they come back? Have you tried? What have you tried? Agreeing to go to councelling is a positive step, but starting something with negative views and half-hearted intentions isn't exactly ideal. Ever heard of self-fullfilling prophesy?

Why do you think it would be better to split? Better for whom? I'd say your and your children's financial and social and status, and happiness would all take a BIG drop. Statistiaclly after divorce men's standard of living goes up about 30%, whereas a woman's drops by 25 - 30 %. Being a single mother to 3 young kids would be enormously difficult. This would stay with them and you and your husband FOREVER.

My advice to you is to do EVERYTHING in your power to improve your relationship. When your kids ask why you divorced, surely you'll want to be able to look them in the eye and say it was the only way, that you did everything you could to save your marriage. These are the promises you made to your husband after all. Sounds like he's prepared to put in the effort, but doesn't sound like you are tbh.

Gosh Ernest, fantastic post. Wish I had thought of all that. My brain is cold today, not functioning so well, thats my excuse anyway

Yes, I agree with Ernest. Your feelings for DH will come back if you allow them to but, I suppose the first thing you have to do is be really honest with yourself and decide whether you do want to stay married or not. Forget all the reasons and the excuses. What do you actually want?

mint2, sorry if I sound harsh, but this is a topic close to my heart!

You say in you last post "I just don't know if we stick it out for the sake of the kids if I can survive another 10 years like this."

I agree, you shouldn't stick it out for the sake of the kids - you should 'stick it out' for your sake.

And no, you can't survive another 10 years like this. But you shouldn't have to or want to or need to. All relationships have lulls, problems, but most problems are fixable.

Just becasue somethis is today, doesn't mean it has to be tomorrow.

Avoid this man who is asking for your number. Really. It will bring nothing to your life and your family's. I have no respect anyway for a person willing to get involved with a married person. No morals or scruples, but anyway.

What can you do to solve it? How do you generally deal with problems (talk to friends, read books, talk to strangers, ignore them?) Find out the best method for you and go from there. You need to turn it around and instead of wondering how you'd cope as a single mother (would you definitely get the kids anyway?) you need to focus on how you can fix it. Sounds more like a mid-life crisis to me, but that doesn't change your feelings, but mght help you to work them out and resolve them.

Mint2

I read this earlier and got sidetracked which is why I didnt post. However, your post got me thinking and, when I was downstairs, I thought that i would say that you should not split.

When I came back to the computer I expected there to be lots of posts about leaving him and that it would be the best thing.

To my delight, I find everyone agreeing with me!!

I really do not think you should split. Your children are vulnerable, you sound bored. You have been with DH for 18 years which is a very long time and I think you need to put some oomph back into it and remember why you fell in love in the first place. The fact your DH wants to go for counselling shows that he loves and cares for you and I think it needs some work.

Not only that, do you really want your DH in a flat and seeing the kids at weekends and all that?

You both need a bit of romance I think.

I think that we develop habits in our relationships, especially over time and when we have small children.

It's very easy to stop being kind to each other and to let the fatigue and daily grind wear things down.

I realised that I had developed a habit of being in a bad mood with my dh. One day when he came home from work, and I was snapping at him, I suddenly wondered why. He had done nothing wrong, it was just a behaviour that had become habitual for me.

So I consciously tried to be in a good mood. I also tried to think back to when we first got together and isolate what it was about him that attracted me to him - after all, surely none of this had gone away? And I tried to cultivate new habits. If you behave as if you love someone then it's very easy for the feelings to come back again. (I think this is one of the key principles of NLP, actually).

Why not try this for a while - behave as if you are really in love with him and physically attracted to him? Just see what happens.

IMO it does sound as if you have a lot to lose (and your children are very young to be traumatised by separation/divorce) and that you have a dh that it would be worth keeping.

I hope this doesn't sound trite - it's not meant to - but please see if you can turn things around. For your benefit as well as your dh and your ds.

Read 'too good to leave, too bad to stay' by Mira Kirshenbaum, get it at Amazon.

Start writing a version of a gratitude diary, where you list 5 good things about your husband/marriage at bedtime every night.

Go to counselling on your own - don't go to couples counselling if you are sure it's not going to work unless you are prepared to be brutally honest with you counsellor and dh and yourself

Good luck

Dear Thefuturesbright,
Thank you so much for that - I will give it a try.

"But there is a lot to be said for the comfort and security of a family and a boring husband."

That is one of the best lines I`ve read on mumsnet.

And ernests post is brilliant too. Ive taken that advice for my own marriage.

That book is about deciding whether or not to continue in the marriage. It might help you clear up some thoughts but the reviews all sadly seem to indicate a negative outcome.

The reason I asked how you normally go about solving problems, is I wondered if you are 'into' books or not before I recommended a couple. The first was recommended to me a few weeks ago and found it very helpful, the second, by the same author, a marriage guidance councellor whose focus turned over the course of her career more towards doing her utmost to save troubled marriages, usually very successfully. I thought the 2nd book was really useful in addressing what must be a problem for many many long'term marrieds.

They are here

and here .

I really wish you well and hope you get the help you need to sort out your problems in the best way for you all xxx