How do I stop my passive aggression?

[usernameggggg]

My mother is very passive aggressive. I had a traumatic childhood because she was very cruel and abusive to the whole family. My dad is still living with her and he has been very withdrawn for years.

My problem is that I have picked up some of my mother's passive aggressive traits, and my family is suffering. I have a lovely husband and young children, and I realise I am being passive aggressive to them, and I really want to stop.

My main problem is that I repress negative feelings, so much so that I am never quite sure what it is I am feeling. When my husband or children have upset me, I give them the silent treatment, and try not to show that I am upset. My angry feelings then emerge in outbursts and it escalates. In this way, passive aggression seems to be much worse than aggression.

I've attended some psychoanalytic counselling in the past but would rather not go back to this. I would like some recommendations of books or to hear other people's experiences of tackling this problem.

I’m sorry for what you went through, and I admire your honesty.

Given the gravity of what you suffered I’d suggest you try counselling again, maybe cbt counselling. If you can’t face it, then make a conscious decision not to become your mother and repeat her behaviour.

Tell your husband what you are going through, ask him to challenge you when you re giving him the silent treatment.

Remember you can stop this, you can express your feelings and you do n’t have to give anyone the silent treatment.

You do n’t want to your children to suffer in the way you did,and only you can make the change.

Agree that you need to go back to counselling as you need to understand how you were 'programmed" (emotionally abused) in childhood.

Seems that you were not allowed to acknowledge and then express any of your feelings as your mothers volatility keep you all on egg shells 24/7. You have learnt to repress your feelings as when you were a child to acknowledge or express was dangerous and you are scared of them. But your feelings are important and valid - they are not dangerous (the opposite in fact as they are our alert system) - it is only how we CHOOSE to respond in our behaviour which has consequences.

You don't sound passive aggressive - you just sound repressed, which builds to anger....this is quite different.

You are behaving with your DH & DC as you did with your DM - not showing that you are upset. But you are allowed to say you are upset. Counselling would really help you get to this healthy, assertive behaviour. Otherwise you are just passing on the same emotional toxic stuff to another generation.

Counsellors come in all shapes and sizes - all ranges of abilities and skills. Get a recommendation of ones with experience - visit 3 and go with the one you have most confidence in and chemistry with - if it doesnt feel right after a few weeks - see someone else.

You are not your DM and you are not doing what she did to you - you do not proactivley choose to be cruel - you repress (for their benefit) and then blow a fuse (this is normal if you repress).