Husband is depressed

[FizzyBeebee]

My husband has been depressed since he hit 40. Previous job issues and hitting 40 changed him. He is now 44, in a new job and has gradually got worse. Nothing me and my girls do is right. He blames me for everything and has little patience with the girls who are in their early teens. Last night he kicked off over some trivial issues and I can’t cope anymore. He was angry I didn’t ask about his day when I knew it hadn’t been good. I forgot! He refuses to see a Dr or acknowledge he’s depressed. I am dreading him coming home tonight and my heart is pounding. I don’t know what to do anymore. My eldest is distancing herself from him as he does nothing but shout at her yet he can’t see it. Last time he screamed at her she said she thought he was going to hit her 😥 I have asked his parents for help in the past but they turn a blind eye. I just don’t know what to do. I feel empty inside and wondering if we are better off having a break from each other

Is he your DD's dad?

I would be at ultimatum point by now - "You get to the GPs or pack your shit and piss off."

You cannot let your DDs think this is what to expect from a relationship.

TBH I would be wondering if he has wanted out for quite some time but doesn't want the responsibility of being the "bad guy" by breaking up. So he treats you and your children worse and worse in the hope that you'll pull the trigger and then he can act like the wronged one.

Yes he is.
You’ve hit the nail on the head about me leading my girls to believe this is how a relationship should be. I am trying to bring them up to be strong women yet look what I’m putting up with. I know I need to give him an ultimatum. And I am going to later when he’s home

If you give him an ultimatum be aware that such things can only be issued once otherwise they lose all their power. You also have to be fully prepared to follow the ultimatum through.

What do you get out of this relationship still, what is in this for you now?.

What do you want to teach your DDs about relationships and just what are they learning here from the two of you?. You want this to be their norm too; no. So stop showing them that this is still acceptable to you on some level. This is patently not the relationship example you want to be showing your daughters.

If he hasn't seen a doctor, or refuses to acknowledge hes depressed, then maybe he's just a knob without MH issues?

He never used to be like this though. He was the one person I never thought would be short tempered and critical

This is not ok.
You need to tell him that this is not ok and you need to protect the girls from being exposed to this anymore.
Tell him he needs to go and see his GP. ASAP.
Or else he will have To go and stay at his parents/ a cheap b&b for a few days.

If he didnt used to be like this there is still hope. Why dont you ask him to pack a bag and go stay with his parents for a week. Make everybody see how serious you are. Then if he isnt prepared to seek help alone or together he can stay there.

This is what I know I’ve got to do

I’m going to tell him tonight. I am so serious I’m actually really nervous

I’ve replied below

I suffer from depression but I am aware of it and control it. I stopped drinking alcohol because I notice the depression got worse. I also approached my doc and got sleeping pills to help sleep on nights when it's bad. I also found a counselor via work benefits. It all helps in some ways. I think your husband needs to first recognize that he has depression and realize that the behavior is destructive to his family relationships and if he doesn't get help he could lose his family.

What's your role in his depression? Have you looked at also what you might be doing or what you could do to ease the depression? Generally in a relationship / marriage it takes 2 to tango.

I have depression. And a chronic critical illness. I’m on medication and I see a therapist. But I didn’t mention that in my post. I know what my husband needs to do but I doubt he will. As for my role in his depression; thanks for that. I’m sure he could write you a list(!) I get no support from him in regards to my illness and ironically stress makes it much worse. Nothing I do or don’t do makes a scrap of difference to how he behaves

This is what I’m going to do x

Sorry he just sounds like a nasty bully to me, he's damaging your children right now and the longer you put up with his crap, the lasting effects it will have on them.

Depressed, not so sure, if he really was then why is he not seeking help when he must know he's intolerable and is making children suffer, they are still kids at that age and it's not fair on them, they are entitled to a traumatic free life at their stage and he's not allowing them to have that, either are you by staying put and allowing his to abuse you all, tell him to GTF, and mean it.

Hope it all went ok

"What's your role in his depression"

Are you fucking kidding me ?