Feel so alone

[rosemarybuddha]

Have no one to talk to. Is it normal/functional that my husband often forgets really important things that we talk about? Typing that I know the answer really - just need to talk.

Happened again last night when I mentioned something about possibly seeing estranged family members at an upcoming wedding. It's a very emotive, sensitive subject for me. Very dysfunctional family - lots of historic issues.

When I mentioned it, my husband said 'yes I hadn't thought that they might be there' BUT we'd had a conversation about it a few weeks back - although thinking about it, I'd talked mainly and he'd responded to me.

Sorry, this is a bit all over the place. It's so hurtful. He claims he has trouble remembering things and that he does care. I don't see it like this. He has no trouble remembering facts etc about what interests him - mostly football.

Sorry, feel hurt and alone. Again. Just needed to get this out of my head.

I can't explain it but I feel like the line 'I just don't remember things' is bullying. Portraying me as expecting too much in a way.

Obviously there's history to this. Thanks.

I wouldn't say he was bullying you but he's certainly not paying attention to things you tell him.

I think it is standard men forget things all the time, my DP does. Actually surprises me when he does remember things as usually I think I am talking to myself!
Sounds to me like you are worrying about something that 'could' happen whereas he is more laidback and doesn't think about possible scenarios - assuming he would be supportive if you actually do bump into these relatives?

My DH is like this. It’s annoying but I can’t see how you jump to bullying?

Thanks all. I suppose I feel he's trying to deflect back onto me - Not addressing that's he's so disconnected and instead portraying me as expecting too much.

Well of course you’re not expecting too much, I think it’s just an odd choice of word in the context as it’s more likely thoughtlessness/carelessness. Of course it’s not ok to not listen to you but if he was engaged at the time but has just forgotten the conversation that’s a bit harder to criticise as it’s not deliberate.

Thanks Mykingdom. He just doesn't seem to connect. Very insular and lacking empathy. Almost lives in his own world really. There's historically a lot of instances, such as when family members have died etc, that I can't put on here.

I'm not bothered about him forgetting trivial stuff but It's very hurtful when it's important things. I know we all react differently to things in life but I feel so alone. Really low.

Thanks

He's also very very obsessed with football and would talk about it all day if he could. I didn't notice when we were younger but just find this so weird as I've noticed more and more how detached he is.

Sorry I'm not explaining things well.

Hi OP. Seems clear that this is a pattern, not a one-off. And it's not trivial stuff you're bothered about him forgetting, but things that are important to you. It is self-centred and thoughtless of him. You do deserve for your partner to be engaged enough in what matters to you to notice these kinds of things xx

I don't believe he 'forgets', I believe he purposefully 'pretends' he forgets so he can avoid anything that you say that he either doesn't agree with, or doesn't want to engage in.

I don't think it's standard that 'men forget things all the time', I think perhaps some people are forgetful and perhaps some people pretend they forget so they can avoid responsibility or discussing something they find awkward.

A few years ago I told him about abuse during my childhood and he didn't react. No anger, no upset, no questions, nothing, not a flicker.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he internalised how he felt but when I was explaining to him recently how lonely and ignored I felt generally and how he hadn't reacted when I told him about the abuse, his reply was 'I don't remember how I felt when you told me'

I'm open to being told I'm wrong, but I think this is unforgivable. How would you not know how you felt about something so serious concerning someone you apparently love.

Sorry I'm waffling and my punctuation is terrible. Need to get this out of my head.

Thank you Bibble and Fluffy. Appreciate your perspective so much. Feel like I'm going mad.

He doesn't remember because he doesn't care too. It's not a man thing, it's a him thing. It sounds very hurtful. Sometimes being with someone who doesn't care about us can make us feel more lonely than being alone.

I'm extremely forgetful and becoming more so, especially in the last couple of years. I find it very frustrating and try hard not to forget things. I think for me, it's been a way of coping with a trauma I went through a couple of years ago, and forgetting things has allowed me to not worry so much, which I tend to do too much anyway, and this has let me sleep well, which is so important to recovery.

Do you think that counselling/CBT would help him to focus and establish why he's obsessed with football and is detached?

Bullying is a bit extreme? I would imagine he's probably unsure how to deal with sensitive subjects and that's why he doesnt say much. I think you are being a bit unfair on him (from the info you have provided). Generalised comment but men and women are programmed quite differently with emotions etc. My partner is the same as your husband, it can be annoying but that's when I turn to girlfriends to talk things through.

Did the person above me actually suggest he should get counselling to discuss he's obsession with football?!?!

It might just be the way he is. Also, it's very painful to hear someone you love talking about a time when they were very very hurt by someone else. He may want to block that out by ignoring it.
He might also be very wrapped up with himself. My DH is like this to some extent. His world revolves around 'what about me'. If things don't affect him or cause a threat to him, then they just don't feature.
We sometimes need to spell it out, rather than expect someone to be a mind reader. It's a mistake to think this 'if he really cared he'd automatically know how significant this is for me'. Because he might really care about you but not know how significant it is for you. Or how significant it is for you that outwardly he appears not to care because his behaviour is signalling that to you.
Sometimes partners and family can't provide the support we need at certain times. They just don't react the way we want or expect, because of their own issues or because of the love they have for us. For example they can minimise or just not 'get it'. An unexpected reaction doesn't mean that someone doesn't love you.

Its very invalidating and that is why you feel lonely and its reasonable to expect him to remember issues important to you.

Do you have children? How long together?

My marriage was like this, had a very similar wedding situation and was stonewalled.It later became abusive when I instigated boundaries and was in a vulnerable situation (gave up highly paid career).
If he is not willing to hear you are upset then there is little chance it will get better.
A marriage is supposed to offer emotional support.
I think long-term this invalidation can harm you emotionally and phyiscally.Trust your feelings and instinct.

The longer you're in this 'relationship', the more lonely you'll feel and then it will be up to you if you choose to stay or go.

I have had previous partners who were like this to a lesser degree, oddly enough, they never forgot anything that was important to them - They could articulate very well how angry they were due to a work colleague or friend 'taking the piss', they could tell me how happy they were when they bought and played a particular type of computer game as they'd been 'looking forward to it for ages to come out', they could easily verbalise their own emotions, but when it came to me... meh, why bother?

I think it's worse when you care as you try and 'fix' things. You try changing how you convey something is important to you - I did... I tried verbally, I tried texts, I tried emails, I tried the whole 'When you do this.. it makes me feel like this...' approach - Guess what worked? nothing. Why? Not because they were stupid, but because they didn't care, I genuinely believe they didn't care about my feelings so the idea of bothering to 'remember' anything important to me would never have happened.

Personally I couldn't be in a relationship like that - My current partner isn't perfect by any means, but he does remember things 'even though he's a man', as I believe he cares about me.

I can understand how minimising and invalidating this would feel, OP.
It sounds like he made zero apparent effort to reassure you.
And now some PPs are minimising his behaviour. I do feel for you.

Thank you all. Taking on board all your thoughts.

We've been together 17 years and have one child.

You've hit the nail on the head Hermonie - a marriage should offer emotional support. That's my opinion anyway. It's the whole emotional package that's missing - not just around sensitive issues. Surely you should have each other's backs and not feel invisible.

I do feel the football obsession is extreme. To literally be able to talk about it all day! I can't put my finger on it but it's an escape. It's not healthy in my opinion. I wish he was as animated about other things in life.

I'm a strong person in lots of ways but this is hurtful.

Thanks Fluffy and Aunty. Your words mean so much.

I'm not perfect by any means. Who is and how boring would that be!

Lots to think about.

I have met many men like this. Not all, by any means, but a fair few.

They just don't listen, because they just don't care. My XH, for example, didn't actually hear anything I said unless it had the word 'you' in it. That was his cue to start listening in case he might be called upon to actually 'do' something. Anything else I said was just words. I swear all he heard was 'blah blah blah blah you to make the appointment blah blah blah'.

And if i didn't reinforce with reminders to him to MAKE THE APPOINTMENT he wouldn't even bother with that bit.

Some people are just like this and they can't change. You have some thinking to do, OP, I feel.