Buying a house together. Different levels of wealth

[Happydays9]

Hi all

Me and dp are still in the early stages of this, not discussed in great detail, he wants us to buy a house together in the next year. He has never owned a house, I have my main house, a second home and I’m renting a flat.

He has no deposit at the moment, so is giving it himself a year to save up. I guess I would sell one of my houses as having three is excessive, that said I might keep them and stop renting the flat.

Anyway, from what I understand so far he wants us to buy somewhere 50/50 although on his average wage and us paying somewhere 50/50 we wouldn’t get somewhere as nice as the places I already own. Sorry I don’t really want to do that.

I know first world problems etc but would b great to have some input before making a big decision.

We have been together 5 years no children yet, still in our mid twenties.

Re family money, he wants to pay 50/50. That said I do often try to help without demeaning him, such as surprise holidays I pay for, let him use my car when I got another one. I don’t think I treat him badly or like a dog. Not a fair comment.

My ex and I looked at doing this last year. He earns ten times what I do and said he would pay “most of the bills” etc but I pointed out that the most important thing for me was not having a two tier home, where him and his DCs had loads of money to do whatever they liked, while me and mine had to be very careful.

The actual split of assets, big chunks of money going into the house would have been split the other way, I had more equity in my home. In the end it didn’t happen, so was all academic, but I would just say, however you work out the mortgage/Home owning portion of this situation, the day to day expenses and ‘fun money’ aspect of it is just as important if not more so.

Just to give a slightly different view point, I really struggled with this being the lesser earning partner (even though we were married at the time). It made me feel like I had less of a stake to be involved in the decision making around which house to buy, even though DH was completely clear that he didn't want me to feel like that.

Pre nups aren't legally binding in the UK, and until they are, staying single is the only sure way to protect your assets. This may sound very mercenary but if a relationship breaks down, handing over your property doesn't help with the misery.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant, interesting thanks.

Ginch. Thank you for that.

Goodcat, do pre nups really work?

kubex, agree it’s nice, but 50/50 would mean I move from a detached house to a 1 maybe 2 bed flat.

Not really ideal or something I want, my quality of life would be a lot worse.

could you suggest you put down more on the deposit and he put more into mortgage payments/pay you back over time if that would be more managable for him?

We bought our place with my inheritance money - neither of us thought twice about it as we would never have been able to save for a deposit on our salaries and renting in London. We're not married but I was pregnant at the time so decisions were made a lot quicker. He earns a lot more than me now that I'm part time so puts more into the mortgage but we never actually discussed any of this coming to think about it - just the way it worked out! All our money is shared now pretty much.

AppleFox, I think that is playing on his mind. I think he feels worse because he is the “man”.

It would be crazy to move into a much smaller house just to keep things equal but I think it is such a tricky subject and depends a lot on the solidity of your relationship and your respective attitudes to money.
I've always been the person with less money in our relationship, when we bought our first flat I think I put in about an eighth of what my husband ( at the time boyfriend) did, and his parents also put money in. We had a deed of trust on who got paid back what and in what order if we sold and how we would split profits.
We have now been married for 10+ yrs and have bought a family home. If we had stuck with what I can could afford we would not live where we do now or have the quality of life we have. We have a very solid marriage and I don't see us splitting but I suppose technically if we did I would have benefited hugely financially but I don't think he would view it like that now as we have been a team for so long. I think before we married and before we had children I felt that if we split we would just take out what we'd put in but over time that view has slowly altered. Although we had a different level of wealth coming into the relationship we have very similar attitudes to money and have never had difficulties discussing it. A relative of mine and her partner had very different approaches to money and found some counselling around the subject really helpful before they got married.
I think the key issues are how you view your partner and how they feel about having less money. For us it has not been an issue, just really a positive that we both appreciate we are lucky financially.

I'd just wait to be honest. Just wait. Let him save more and see where your relationship is at in a few more years. If you end up marrying, kids etc you may not be as bothered about the 50/50 and roles may change.

Sorry, I'm distracted by the multiple houses that you use regularly ... how does that work! I assume they are in different parts of the country?

I do think you need to get some legal advice, I think you do need to protect yourself given this difference in wealth? Particularly if this is inherited money because if things go wrong would you be able to still carry on living the way you do now having given him 50%?

I do think you need to sit down and have a really frank conversation, if you want another house worth 850k upwards then he can't have joint ownership because even if you matched whatever you could afford to pay and was no interest, he wouldn't be able to afford it.

I would usually suggest joint finances but given such a massive difference is wealth then I do think you need more advice. Speak to a financial advisor too, but get legal advice about protecting yourself.

My attitude has changed in my marriage. I have a higher income and higher costs. But also a lot more assets. We live in his house he pays the mortgage. I pay vastly more into the joint account. He is vastly more prudent than I am.

I pay for all food and holidays.

This is the first time I've come to feel like my money should be family money. 2nd marriage. We

I've just sold my main house and will be buying 50% of his house I think (subject to legal advice). He will keep paying (and overpaying) the mortgage.

In the process of writing wills. He will get the income from my rental properties on my death. The kids will get my shares. On his death my kids will get the properties.

On the death of one spouse the house goes to the other but it goes equally to his and my kids at the death of remaining parent.

We've told the kids we don't be expecting care from them but as a result they may well inherit peanuts.

I think he feels worse because he is the “man”.

He isn’t pushing for marriage, what man is :D,

Happydays, it's good that you are asking questions to get the issues clear in your own mind. You are bound to work out that lots of the attitudes traditionally expected from 'men', as in your posts above, come about because typically, men have had access to more resources than women.

If you stay unmarried,its easy. You can run for example, a spreadsheet , to set out who owned what and what would happen in the event of a split. For example, in my early house buying days, we agreed that when the house was sold, we would each get our deposits back, and then split any profits(or losses) on the sale in the same proportion that we paid the mortgage.

Once you are married however, especially if one or other of you have taken a earnings hit to look after children, then things get a lot more complicated. The courts can get involved, to ensure the needs of any children are taken into consideration.

The important thing, in my mind, is that you are both informed about these likely outcomes and can discuss them calmly and come to an agreement. Otherwise, it may be best to not get married.

Thanks again all, I’ll have a good read tonight, just skimming at the moment.

Flat is near my work so no commute, main house is what i see as my home (not ever want to sell this), second home is for enjoying relaxing weekends away.

I quite like the variety, I am really fortunate to be able to do this.

One thing I'd add is that although there was a big financial imbalance it was a first home for both of us, which I can see in your case is a complicating factor.
Could you buy with him, near where you currently rent?

Where does he live at the moment? In the rented flat with you? If not maybe that could be a starting point for you to save together, learn if you want to live together etc.

I would rent something together.

He can buy whatever he wants and rent it out. You keep your properties.

I wouldn't financially partner with someone unless we had similar assets to be perfectly honest.

As people have said if you do marry it will not matter whose name any of the properies are in - he will be entitled to a share so may be do not marry him until he is worth more than you are.

For now why not suggest he buys a one bed flat and rents it out somewhere cheaper eg Manchester, Leeds so he has his foothold on the property market ..ah I see someone has suggested that just above too. The risk for him with that is SE keeps rising in value and Leeds does not (although London is currently dropping so may be not a huge risk at present and he could not buy in SE now anyway on his income). Or he could buy a lovely holiday place in Spain and rent it out when he is not there.