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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Old friends

15 replies

Deecee1012 · 13/03/2018 00:50

I'm in my 50s and in a relationship..have been for some time. We've had ups and downs but on the whole it's good and I'm happy.
I also have a friend...male, I've known him for over 40 years. Never in a romantic sense, purely platonic.
He knows my partner etc and all has been well.

About 15 year's ago he remarried and his wife made it clear she didn't like our friendship and as a result it suffered slightly but we have kept in touch.

Anyway...about a week ago, my friend emailed to say 'goodbye', admitting that his wife was so upset by our friendship, he really couldn't cope with the issues caused by it.
I realise there's nothing I can do to change this but I'm so hurt. We've supported each other through quite a lot and I'm so saddened by the whole thing.
My partner says that she's one of those people who just can't or won't accept friendship between the sexes.
I know there's no solution to the 'problem' except learning to accept the loss of a good friend!

OP posts:

category12 · 13/03/2018 06:09

That's sad.

pictish · 13/03/2018 06:20

What a shame she feels that way. It is very wrong of her to dictate his friendships in that way but if chooses to accept that level of control in order to keep her happy there’s not much you can do.
Chances are there will be further incidences of controlling behaviour from her in the future but it’s up to him to sort out now.

Aww. Sad times. Xx

LucreziaBoredYa · 13/03/2018 07:20

The exact same thing happened to me OP. After a friendship of 20 years his wife decided I was a threat to their marriage. He wanted a quiet life so went with it. It's still very upsetting, losing one of my best friends due to her insecurity. It's their relationship decision so I have to respect that but I still think she's batshit.

ShatnersWig · 13/03/2018 08:12

I'm a man who has always had close female friends ever since infants school. None have ever strayed remotely into anything more than platonic on both sides. My five closest friends are female.

The first people I introduced my ex to were my female friends and their partners. But the moment one of them split up, snide little comments started to appear. And then she really took against my best friend.

This is why she is now my ex and I still see all of my female friends (and their partners, or not, if they are single). And I've still never slept with any of them.

Sorry, but anyone tries that shit with me they're out the door. My friends have been around decades and been there for me. I don't chuck them over because someone new has a problem.

LucreziaBoredYa · 13/03/2018 08:25

I wish my dear old friend had some of your backbone Shatners, but equally I didn't want to cause him anymore strife.

In my case it wasn't a new relationship either, they'd been together longer than we'd been friends and all of a sudden I was a problem. Just.Don't. get.It.

NotTheFordType · 13/03/2018 08:39

they'd been together longer than we'd been friends and all of a sudden I was a problem

Maybe he'd been caught out doing the dirty with someone completely other but as a result his partner had lost all trust and required him to shut down all friendships with women as a path to forgiving and forgetting.

LucreziaBoredYa · 13/03/2018 08:45

You could be right there NotTheFord. I just suppose I'm feeling sorry for myself and miss my friend. Like the OP.

Original poster

Deecee1012 · 13/03/2018 09:34

Thanks all...I admit I'm very hurt by it but also realise there's nothing I can do! One or two things (by her) have made me wince over the year's but as someone pointed out, it's his choice to allow that.

OP posts:

FlippingFoal · 13/03/2018 09:55

I'm really sorry to hear this - I have been here too :( I can see it from the other side too as I have an ex who had a very close female friend. In their case though I couldn't deal with it as the relationship was intrusive into our lives. For example she would phone whilst we were eating dinner and he would chat to her and ignore me, she would call at bedtime hours and he could never see why this would upset me. Once he answered the phone whilst we were having sex! She would call him to fix her car on a weekend - he was a solicitor not a mechanic, yet he wouldn't change a tyre for me. If she saw us when we were out she would join us and they would have cosy conversations and exclude me (she wouldn't even acknowledge that I was there). She organised a party for his 40th, so had I - that was awkward...

Opposite sex friendships can be great, but when one of those in the friendship starts to intrude on a relationship then either the relationship has to end or the friendship. Your friend has picked his partner, mine picked his friend...

senua · 13/03/2018 10:04

Sympathies OP. To lose a good friendship is akin to bereavement. It hurts.

You can understand suspicion at the beginning of a relationship but it's weird that it has taken 15 years to come to a head.
Send back a nice message and leave the door open.

LucreziaBoredYa · 13/03/2018 12:52

FlippingFoal I never phoned my friend at times like that, wouldn't dream of it or asked him to fix anything.

Can I ask if it was a male friend would that be ok then? Or would the extremely paranoid wife suspect homosexuality? Sorry if I sound sarcastic but I'm still very hurt this happened to me and completely relate to OP.

FlippingFoal · 13/03/2018 14:33

Lucrezia any relationship outside of the marital one that encroaches on a relationship would be wrong - be that a woman or a male friend that he sees more than his own wife. It is not normal to have more contact with and offer more support to someone other than your significant other (bar children)

As I started my post with - I have also been in the position where I had a close male friend (from toddlerhood) and his latest partner didn't approve. I didnt encroach on their life, but she wasn't happy with the friendship between us so we cooled it

LucreziaBoredYa · 13/03/2018 14:39

He didn't see me or talk to me more than his own wife. And it had to be cut off completely not just 'cooled'. I think that's sad and extreme.

ShatnersWig · 13/03/2018 14:45

Flipping said It is not normal to have more contact with and offer more support to someone other than your significant other (bar children)

A lot of people need to change their jobs then. I know huge numbers of people who will see people they work with for more hours each week than they do their partners.

FlippingFoal · 13/03/2018 18:02

A lot of people need to change their jobs then. I know huge numbers of people who will see people they work with for more hours each week than they do their partners.

You're just being obtuse - that isn't even comparable.

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