He is still trying to control me :(

[Mindhunter]

I'm feeling so low at the moment. I left my controlling ex last year we had and every other weekend arrangement which worked well as everyone knew where they stood. But now he is telling me his hours have changed and he can't let me know when he will have the kids as he will only know week to week and may only know the day before. The children are so upset because they don't know when they will next see him and I'm feeling like yet again he's holding calling all the shots. It's hard to explain but he won't accept we are over even after 9 months and does everyone to make things difficult. He won't even give a straight answer about holidays or anything. I'm so fed up of it all. My youngest who's 7 has been crying every evening since daddy said he can't have them at weekends anymore and it's just horrible.

Hi that's tough. I would be suprised if his shifts worked liked he's suggesting. Did there Dad tell them to there faces he wouldn't be having them at the weekends? That is cruel. He is unlikely to be working every weekend - could he be in a new relationship?
Hopefully someone with more knowledge will come along.

Does he treat the kids well or is he manipulating with them to get at you.
Well done for getting rid of him. Does he think your out and about when your child free and he's trying to sabotage this.
What about keeping the current arrangements and if he's not free then he won't have them. Don't let him mess you about. Stand your ground with him. Another pathetic excuse for Father. 🌺

I'd contact his boss and ask for his rota

He told them to their face that. They are 10 and 7. He hasn't got another partner. He won't accept we are over and still tries to make reasons to see/talk to me. According to him they only do the Rota weekly and I clearly want him to quit his job (not even sure what he is going on about). Our older son is very driven by routine and he knows he will kick off is he doesn't know what's happening from day to day.

You can’t make your ex be a decent man, he isn’t one.

You can however work with your kids to give them the tools to survive his shitty behaviour

Your ds needs to unlearn the routine thing - yes I know that’ll be hard - but you must teach him that routines don’t always work out and sometimes things happen to disturb our routines, but it’s ok.

Support the kids and they will weather the storm, it’ll work out in the end

For the visitation, just tell ex that there won’t be any contact planned at all then, and he is the one to make it happen if he wants it

That means stability for your dc, and it means you don’t engage with him, he has no power over any of you.

Ultimately, he’s an abusive manipulative twat, so not a good influence anyway... so no loss at all for your kids. You can be the rock in their lives, keeping this bloke at arms length will do you all the power of good

Unfortunately this is pretty standard behaviour for most separated dads (all that I know of but there may be some exceptions). Whether it's controlling or just plain feckless, the outcome is the same. Sadly, get used to it.

I think maybe I just feel he's being over sensitive. It's just the way he says "sorry if I've wrecked your plans" then again he says it for everything like little digs about "your money" etc

Who? the ex?

Oh he’s not sorry for wrecking plans, that’s what he’s trying to do. He thinks you might have dates lined up

So stop his contact and tell him that you’re making other plans and that when he remembers has kids, to kindly send them their money, and let them know when he’s free and you’ll see if it’s convenient.

Take back control and turn the tables

He doesn’t call the shots in your life or your kids

He doesn’t get to pick them up and drop them, he learns plans are made and kept, or not made at all.

I feel for your poor children. Surely he could tell his employers he has parental responsibilities and say that he needs more notice than that.

I agree with Hissy, this man is messing you around for the sheer satisfaction.
Rotten for your dcs too.
Could you make weekend plans that are transferable like plan to go swimming but if ex bothers to call, he takes them swimming instead of you. I know it's a pain but gives some reassurance to your dcs, allows you to plan a little and makes it clear to ex that he doesn't get to control you.
And if you book to go away for a night or weekend, once it is booked, go, whatever he does or says.