I think my Dad is Sexist?

[Massala]

I had a volatile relationship with my Dad growing up. He made no time for me, but was happy to take an active role in my brother's life mainly through a mutual love of football. He knew who his friends were and never had a clue about any of mine, or took an interest in anything I was into.

This continued as we grew older and I never went to my Dad for any form of support. He never visited me when I went to Uni, just called me regularly to check I was alive before carrying on with his life and his football.

Fast forward to now, he lives on his own and is very lonely as he eventually divorced my Mum who found him equally as disinterested and dis-respectful. My brother has moved away and I appear to be the closest thing he has. Since having my 2 DCs, he began visiting almost weekly, luckily they are both girls and are therefore treated equally by him. However, when he visits, I always end up feeling very small. He engages my DH in conversation about as many manly topics he can muster- cars football etc and has no interest in me whatsoever. I had been unwell recently and tried telling him how I'd been struggling but he cut me off to follow DH into the other room to chat about things he was interested in.

DH notices this every time and says he believes DF is autistic and can't relate at all to women, but it leaves me feeling so unworthy and pushed aside.
As he has no-one else, I try to invite him on days out etc but just end up feeling very low and unheard by the end of it as DF corners DH in conversation whilst I single-handedly deal with the DCs.

I hate the way he makes me feel. I dread his visits. But also feel sorry for him that he has nobody else around him. He adores the DCs but again, doesn't really know how to engage them or play with them. He gives his attention for a few minutes before switching off from them to find my poor DH to talk at!

I know to expect very little of him and I know he doesn't intentionally set out to make me feel shit, but Im not sure I get a lot out of having him around. Yet I feel obliged to see him and invite him to things because he's got absolutely nobody else. I'm not sure if he's a complete sexist who is not interested in what females have to say, or whether he's autistic as DH suggests, or whether he's afraid of women. I've no idea. I just realise that each time I see him feels like a bit of an ordeal. He would not respond well if I confronted him and after so many years of him treating me like this, I very much doubt that things would change.

Ideas?

Well he sounds sexist to me and it sounds really odd that your DH wants to use ASD as an excuse.

People on the spectrum tend to struggle socially in general.

I couldn't be arsed with it, to be honest.

My Dad is a raging misogynist and I don't see him any more. Not having that around my girls.

for you.

He sounds a lonely old fool and I would definitely make sure your brother knows what a trial he is to you.
I'm guessing you won't change him and he will probably become a bit of a joke to his grand daughters - a relic of bygone male behaviour.
I would add though that your DH sounds a keeper, trying to understand his FIL's behaviour and putting up with his uninformed opinions.

Thank you. It's difficult as I know I don't have to put up with it and yet I feel quite sorry for him so I do. He loves his grandchildren dearly but just seems unable to communicate or engage with them on any level that isn't of any interest to him. I guess as they get older, this may get worse as it did for me. I may start drawing his attention to it by physically leaving the room if he's not engaging with me. I find it draining because he will ask me a sequence of questions when he first sees me, usually about DM and what she's been up to. If I begin to talk about a topic not initiated by him, you can forget it.

Massala,

I think your father has not changed fundamentally or at all since your own childhood and it is out of your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) perhaps that you at all see him, well more like tolerate him, now. Its hard being the last one left and it seems like your brother does not bother with him either now; he moved away after all.

Your dad does not know his grandchildren really either and cannot really relate to them as people with their own personalities; how can you state they adore him?. They will grow up not being able to abide him either due to his overall lack of interest in them as well.

I am not at all surprised to see that your mother left him.

Does he feel sorry for you; not a bit of it. He has and still gives you no consideration either and yet you still seek his approval even now, why is that?.

I wonder what if anything you know about your dad's family background, particularly with regards to the relationship with his mother. That often gives clues. Its not your fault that your dad is the ways he is, you did not make him that way.

Your DDs get as little out of him as you did when you were a child and history has a nasty habit of repeating itself. Toxic parents more often than not turn out to being crap as grandparent figures as well. Why is he in your lives at all now given his lack of interest in you since childhood?. Where and what are your own boundaries here with regards to your dad?. How about reducing his overall number of visits to you over time and becoming far less available to him?

You are wrong in one very important respect; your dad does want to make you feel completely shit and small because that was and remains your assigned role to him. You're his scapegoat for all his inherent ills.

You have a choice re your dad and you do not have to see him just because no-one else bothers with him. As I stated it is hard being the last one left and such people are often left in situations like this.

He will not change but you can and should certainly change how you react to him. I would actually consider finding a therapist to work with in respect of this matter and BACP are good and do not charge the earth. Would also suggest you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward too.

I also think your DH has a very poor understanding of what ASD actually is if he thinks that about your dad. I am wondering why he has said this at all because its not helping you any or his own self for that matter.

My dad is sexist. I relate to him on his level (not very high😁).

You should have heard his thoughts on the gender pay gap. He didnt believe women could do the same job as men without help (from a man)' until he saw a tesco delivery driver deliver shopping by herself (Shock, horror). My dad is the best he can be, which isn't great. But he is sexist as hell. Having 4 feisty girls, must be so difficult for him. hehehe

Look be in his life or not that's up to you. But ask yourself did you make any effort to be relatable to him? You're not a child anymore. I live in the knowledge that nobody's parents are going to change and then when they make a a change for the better, I'm pleasantly surprised.

I agree that he doesn't really know how grandchildren but he does adore them, on his level. He loves them more than he loves any other human beings, he just seems incapable of interacting with them and myself, seemingly because we're female.

I ve actually read Toxic Parents already. I don't think there is anything malicious whatsoever about him, he comes across foolish, clueless and a bit bewildered if anything.

His own mother is still alive whom he visits regularly but she has dementia. He does her grocery shopping weekly, shops for her clothes, makes sure that she's safe, but he speaks down to her, like she's a silly child. He doesn't listen to her either.

When I hear stories of him as a young child particularly ones my Grandma used to tell, he seemed quite a strange child. Obsessed with strange things like fire, always getting into trouble, very noise intolerant etc. Idolized his father, but my Grandma said he had a vile temper.

I ve no doubt a lot of his behaviour links back to childhood, but there's certainly no changing him now.

I ve no doubt a lot of his behaviour links back to childhood

I'd say you're right with this.

Why don't you try visiting him without your DH. Then he won't be able to corner him.