Forgive and forget

[YummyChocolatebubbles]

Please advise me and tell me what you think. My marriage not petfect and ups and downs. I struggle to forgive and forget some things dh has done butvhe says I should move on / in the past now. So then I feel guilty. So an example is over 20 years ago we haf slight disagreement on honeymoon about which place /cafe to go (very minor) but he literally walked off on me out of sight and left me in stange city. This was before mobile phones and in the end he showed up but I felt so hurt! On one level it seems nothing but as part of a context it is significant to me. Im actually thinking if leaving him now. Loads of other upsetting stuff. Am I the bad guy to still occasionally mention it?

Apologies for spelling errors and hope it makes sense.

After 20 years!? Yes let it go, you'll both feel better for it!

20 years later. Geez! Yes, get over it.
I don’t even think him walking off in the middle of an argument is that bad, I presume you were not in any danger and could get back to the hotel on your own.

A strange city? Or a city that was unfamiliar to you? Hardly the stuff of nightmares...

Are women programmed to look backwards?
Generally speaking each day is new so why not plan what good thing (s) you can do today. IF it really is a continuing trend of 'downwards spiral' then review the situation.

'Loads of other upsetting stuff'.

This suggests he is habitually cruel and unpleasant and the reason you can't let it go is because his nasty nature continues to affect your life.

Doesn't sound like a keeper to me.

Well yes thats right and i tried to explain in my post cos I can see how on its own it seems silly. Also I meant unknown city sorry not "strange" and driven there to look round so had to return to car. Anyway yes it is more about patterns of behaviour and im soft he's tough. So difficult to argue with and I usually back down. I wish i was like some of the women on here who seem so strong.

Does he habitually treat you badly or upset you? Does he apologise?

Has he matured and become more kind in the intervening years?

Do other people upset you (work colleagues, neighbours, extended family etc)? Or just him?
If you can think of a few people who upset you recently, them maybe you need to work on yourself.
Are there particular times when you get upset?
Other people with counselling experience might guide you on how and where to look.

I don't see the point in agonising over something that happened 20 years ago. How does he treat you now? If he treats you badly then leave him because of that, not his behaviour 20 years ago (which sounds childish and annoying but not actually unforgivable)

Not really no. As I say it still seems the same. He can be nice but usually reverts to type. Emotional stuff, some aggressive behaivours around me as in wall punching and the like. But recently he is now having an emotional / beginnings of physical affair (I'm not completely sure how far gone but definitely kissing) and Im trying to find way to confront him but not easy. For starters there are children here so how can I go in and say I know what's going on ... (it has been discussed and in the past but now it is worse - sorry a long story but basically I thought it was over - he promised but now started again.)Do you get me now? Really i'm so unhappy and have posted about it in other threads but am scared of being recognised. Can you tell I'm a wimp now?

If your relationship has been full of this behaviour from him, then it's understable you've had enough. My x upset me many a time with the things that he did through the years. We all hurt each other, don't we. I wouldn't put up with it again, though.

The punching walls would set me to thinking I'd be happier elsewhere.

The affair would make up my mind.

Are you afraid of him? How do you feel about living apart from him?

Yes I am sometimes afraid of him - his temper - how he reacts - how he argues me down - how he told me to f..off last week then denies it saying he was just saying f...off out loud! This is typical of him! Drives me crazy! Controlling behaviour but other times adoring but now betrayed me massively .

OK. Someone who gets in a huff and stalks off over something trivial - on a honeymoon, for heaven’s sake - he’s not likely to improve.

It’s easy to dismiss as a one off but it’s not a one off, is it. I know someone whose horrible treatment began on her honeymoon.

I find almost anyone who is urging you to forget things they have done on the basis that they are in the past (which everything is, when you think about it) - they have usually done something bad to you, and have no intention of apologising.

You can be assured if the reverse was true you would never hear the end of it.

If you are afraid of his temper you should try to take steps to end the relationship.

Thank you trackrbird and yes everything is in the past - good point. But try argue with him bloody hell!

Do the Freedom Programme and you'll get strong 💪

Google it, click 'find a course near you', go!

I will look thanks x