in laws

[hallmark]

i have just split up from my husband of 10 years we had been together for 14 years. sadly at the same time i discovered his affair my in laws were suffering the loss of my husbands dad. i was also very upset because i lost out on two counds husband and father in law. the day my husband burried his dads ashes was the day i contacted his "tart". now his mother and sister wont speak to me as they are upset that i could not let things lie in light of the bereavement.
however it is my husband who tells me not to contact his family. i miss them all so much and was very supportive when their dad died. do i get in touch or stear well clear?

Ask them. He does not have the right to tell you who you should contact. It's possible they won't speak to you because of the spin he put on your actions. If you want to try to sort things out with them, it's up to you (if they'll let you). They are adult human beings and so are you.

i just dont want to cause any upset for the family i know they are still reeling from the death, but at the same time i dont want them to think i dont care.

send a card if you must get in touch, but dont be disappointed if they dont reply. chances are they will be on his side even tho he is in the wrong. i can see their point about your timing tbh

The two issues are seperate but timing was unfortunate. They in berevement from death and you, I guess, in berevement at the end of a marriage and your dh's infidelity.

It would have been very hard just to let things lie for the sake of the death and you must have been suffering also. It's not your fault your husband did what he did and it's not your fault you found out at this time.

Attempt to try and give them genuine comfort but respect their wishes should they want to stay clear of you. They will probably side with your husband in this anyhow.
Best of luck.

for the last twelve months he has been seeing both me and her and whilst i thought he wa taking time to think about or relationship turns out he was living with her.
after his dad died i was very supportive and initially things were fine but he became increasingly distant from me and i got scared.
on looking for clues i found them
i rang the girl friend and she confirmed everything
i never contacted my husband as i needed time to think.
she however rang him straight away saying i had been in touch ect.
his mum was up to this point unaware of her sons rong doings as i had pretended to her we wer together at his request.
now i feel so alone, i know they will side with him but none of this is my doing so why should i be left in the cold?
we have two young children together and they love there nan and aunty

can you perhaps write to them & say how sad you are feeling & how much you & children miss them?

was thinking of doing this but i am scared of the rejection , already feel low that my husband has rejected me for a younger model. further more the kids still have regular contact with the in laws whenthey are with their dad.

tbh Hallmark the natural progression after a split is that blood is thicker than water, yes it does hurt been there myself. I was very close to my sil but after her brother and I split we have never spoken again. I think their is an unspoken rule that you stick with your own no matter what they have done. The same happened with our frienda, the men where his friends to begin with but gradually all married and we were all friends together if you see what I mean.

As the children are still seeing your ex's family they will not miss out. Could you not just ask your ex to pass on a message that you are thinking of them? or is it still too acrimonious? or as others have said just send a card?

after 8 years the only contact I have with my mil is when the children say she is asking for me, and I do the same. we do xmas cards but that is it.

i frequently ask after my mother in law via text to my ex but am not sure if he passess on my concern for the family i did send a birthday card to her after the split but got nothing back.
we used to have a good relationship and whilst i understand they willl side with him feel gutted that i am cut out. immediately after his dad died i wa of great comfort to them all and did all i could to help even organised the funeral. now i have found out and in their eyes i am the bad guy and i dont like it.

hallmark can totally sympathise with you as I was the same with my ex mum when her husband died, its just the way it is I suppose. Looking at things in a longer term its best if you are not too close to ex family cos when he has a new long term partner it can cause some akwardness.

you know you have done nothing wrong so take some comfort in that.

I think a letter that they could reflect upon would be a good thing. You could state factually what happened, and the fact that any secrets that you kept were to protect them at such a difficult time.

You could also say that regardless of the rights and wrongs, you fully understand that their loyalty must lie with their son. But your children adore them, and it is not fair for them to suffer as the result of a situation which is not of their making.

I'm sure things will get better in time.

Fairyjay is spot on.

although i have given lots of thought to writing a lette, even drafted a few ideas things have changed. yester day ex came to pick up the kids we were waiting in the front as the car approached mother in law was in the front seat. on seeing me she pursed her lips and turned her head away from me. clearly ther is no point in me trying to make amends or even worrying about things she has made her feelings abundently clear.

i'd still do the letter tbh

that way you've had your say, explained your reasons, shown that you were supportive of them even though you were grieving too (not only for FIL, but also for the loss of your marriage), explain how you lied according to dh's request, how you struggled immensely with your grief, hurt and anger, and how you can now see how bad the timing was (but under no circumstances at that time could you have been expected to be 100% clear and rational! you'd just found out he was having a 12 month affair fgs! lost your husband. and lost your FIL. you're only human!!)
then send your love and best wishes in the hope that you can all remain amicable for the children's sake.

they may never respond. they will probably always take his side anyway.

but at least then you've had your say and done what you can.

then you can move on. their loss if they want to remain bitter towards you for the rest of their lives xx