Cycle of Hell

[Eslteacher06]

Here goes, sorry it is too long and thank you for reading! I was with my ex for a number of years but we separated recently due to the constant clashing (and breaking up) and EA, which my DC was witness to many times (he is not the father). After many years of trying to make it work, I finally realised that as much as I love him, it just can't.

Once we broke up, I realised I was pregnant with his child, but still felt strongly that I should not get back with him. He said that even though we were not together, he wanted to be there for his child and would give me maintenance. Granted, he was great for the first few weeks and I almost thought that having a child had changed him. He was really caring and supportive. However, it soon went back to the way it was before - emotionally unavailable and extremely unreliable and saying a lot of unacceptable things infront of DC.

Although we broke up, he has said he will always love me, and hopes that things will work out. I would love them to, but I have been down this road before many times with him. We get on really great for a few days, then there is a massive argument, where he usually tells me I am being really nasty for no reason, which somehow makes me feel like I am being unreasonable. Don't get me wrong, I give as good as I get and I am no angel and deep down I do care for him. However, after a few days, I usually just can't be bothered arguing and I back down and do what he wants.

Recently, he asked me if there was a chance if we could get back together and I said no (we have had this conversation a few times, so I am not sure why he keeps asking - maybe I will cave?). This really upset him, and he felt he needed to back off. This would be fine, but he now has a child with responsibilities. He keeps too-ing and fro-ing saying he wants to delete me from all social media/stop contact one minute, and then does things like buy my DC extravagant presents. He also messes me about with changing the dates to look after DC.

People keep telling me - ignore him - but I just can't do it! Are there any words of advice? I wish I could just stop all contact but I could never do this to his child. I have to keep cordial for the sake of the kids, but then we start back in the cycle of hell over and over! ARRRGH!

You have to step off this roundabout, it’s really concerning how you mention twice that DC have seen all this, it’s toxic and they will be, and are being, affected by that. You have to be the bigger and stronger person here, protect your children who don’t deserve exposure to a damaging environment, stay measured and calm with him if you have to but I would be sorting out this situation urgently if I were you, it sounds massively unhealthy

You do need to set boundaries and stick to them - this won't stop unless you do. Stop indulging in the chat about your relationship and rows, just shut down the conversation and walk away, keep it about the dc and what is relevant.

Work out what he should be paying towards his dc with the online Child maintenance calculator and if he doesn't pay, go through the CMS.

Decide what contact is appropriate and stick to those times/days.

I don't think the kids are affected as they are pretty young. I try and make sure they don't see the arguments but sometimes the fights come out of nowhere.

I can't work out the Child Maintenance Calculator because I have never known how much he earns as he is self employed. I have to go by the amount he says. I don't think he would mess up the amount he gives our child though.

I can see what you are saying, but it is so hard when you are in the middle of something like this. If I didn't have a kid with him then it would be so easy to stop contact. I don't contact him unless he contacts me and I just don't like to be ignorant.

It's not ignorant to have boundaries about how you communicate - there's no point repeating old patterns.

You haven't escaped the emotional abuse while you allow him to continue the nice-nasty cycle, get involved in rows and generally participate in his emotional rollercoaster.

How would you word it to him though to make it not sound harsh? When I try, it always descends into an argument!

I'd just draft a message that says, 'I'm not having this discussion again, you already know my answer.' Send the exact same one repeatedly until he gets the message. If you can't do this for whatever reason, could you get a third party to manage all communication between you?