I hate him. I wish he was dead or that I'd never met him.

[Monkeytrousers]

That's it really. I have to hold onto the anger or it will give way to self-pity or sadness. He has lied for years, strung me along, had a child with me not knowing what love was and now DS is stuck in this interminable hell with him blowing hot and cold, being callous as well as a complete sociopathic narcissist.

I'm going to try and get a few days away with DS, maybe down to London to see some friends, meet up with some mumsmetters.

I can?t bare to look at him, I hate him.

Are you living with him?

Sorry to hear this MT. I don't know the background but I hope you meet up with some lovely mumsnetters in London and it helps.

Yes, been waiting for 8 months for him to sort himslef out - waiting for 5 months for a fucking relate appointment.

.

There is nothing to say is there - it's just a fucking mess. That's it. It wil pass in time.

oh shit! sounds like you really do need a break. what are you going to do?

How old is ds MT?

You think your hatred for him is just a temporary thing?

Hey monkeytrousers, I live in W Herts, hope I am on your list for a visit.

Bad relationships are so shit, don't throw your life away xxx

I know how you feel MT, been there done that with previous relationships.. haven't quite got there with this one yet and I'm trying to end it before I do, so we can at least have civility.

I'm in London if you fancy a cuppa

Sorry things are shit for you MT. Hope you find a way out.

He sound like a loser! Get rid! easier said than done I know but it will be worth it in the end. You deserve better!

Move out!

No house is worth this!

He has been dragging you through emotional HELL for ages, making you doubt even your own sense of self, the most precious thing you own and all we have left even if we lose everything else.

Get away from him.

Your son needs the strong woman you are.

Lucy, this guy's an emotional fuckwit par excellence.

He's a mind fuck extraordinnaire.

Is this the chap who couldn't congratulate you on your exam results because he felt you should have done better ?

Yes, this is the one. And the one who has substance abuse problems he refuses to deal with, and strings his wife along whilst dallying with another woman's affections, and withdraws his emotions from his own child whenever he is displeased, etc.

He's so emotionally bankrupt, he even treats his own child this way.

He's poisonous.

NO ONE DESERVES THIS, least of all you.

Oh Expat - "a mind fuck extraordinnaire." You put it so well.

He has actually been very good for a while, no painkillers for 6 months now, apologising when he was in the wrong, that sort of thing; it was just the lack of progress that was doing my head in. The feeling we were falling back into a comfort zone, or uncomfortable zone on my part, that I had to jolt us out of it, to say issues still needed to be dealt with, that I still hadn;t forgiven him, that I still don't trust him and that if we don't get a chance to do this in Relate soon we have to find another way. He says we need to let the past go to make a new start - that's more easy for him to say.

Do you think a fling would help? I was so trying to hang on to my rage, but I just can't with a 2 1/2 year old running around - the relate sessions can't be too far away, then I can get it all out there, in a contained structured environment. I don't want to let that rage run free in DS's home.

In your case, I think going away for a bit would help both you even more.

A trip, say, a fortnight or so away and I'd only make minimal contact with him.

I'm not entirely against flings, of course not, but I think it would only complicate things for you, which you DON'T need.

But space would be invaluable.

Are you able to get away?

I think I'd let him have your son for a few days even, and get a break.

He's got some serious emotional issues which aren't just as easily solved as 'let's make a fresh start' and he needs to own up to those in order for there to be any real change.

The main issue is that his 'blankness', for lack of a better term, frustrates you, as well it would anyone.

In fact, hats off to you for your patience.

I have too much passion and not enough calm and would have reacted far worse.

bLOODY HELL mt,SO SORRY TO READ THIS.
nOT UP TO DATE WITH your story,but know you haven't been happy for a while.

You are a strong woman and I know you will find a resolution MT. Perhaps it's time to think about 'just leaving' in the near future. I hope you sort it out soon. It's not worth being miserable for too long, life is too short

Mt, I live in your area and would be happy to have you for a few days while you get your head together. Got a couple of spare rooms too.
email
[email protected]

I know UCM, it's nearly a year since all this started - a year and we are no further forward.

Thanks for the offers Anorak and SCP.

I just hate posting these kind of things - there isn't any real solution it's just good to say it now and again.

monkeytrousers,
thank you for helping me on my thread. I had no idea you were going through this. Im watching this space because my DH may not be all I thought he was cracked up to be. What exactly do you mean by sociopathic narcissist? My Dh has narcisstic tendencies. Im really hoping he wouldn`t be the kind to withdraw love from our DD,

Hi Sakura, I think what I meant to write was misanthropic narcissist, not sociopathic, which is something quite sinister. By misanthropic I mean he's quite negative about everyone, not social and hard to please generally; narcissistic because he only thinks something is relevant if it occurred to him first. If I am concerned about something, he tells me to forget about it, if he is concerned, it's a big deal. I know now that if he tells me I'm paranoid I've something to be paranoid about. He has that habit of going on the attack if I hit a nerve; it's a very accurate 'tell'.

I hope you get to the bottom of this with your DH. It must be so hard for you and you must feel trapped. It?s shitty that your mum is a bit useless too; mines like that (drinking, life long depression) and it narrows down your options even more in times like this. Do you have any savings? I so wish I?d saved my child benefit, it wouldn?t have added up to much but it would have given me a financial buffer to make some changes.

misanthropic narcissist- sounds like mine too. I smiled at the notion that if he tells you not to be paranoid, you have something to be paranoid about...
I dont have savings, but I plan on putting aside a bit into my personal account every month. I have 1500 pound overdraft facility on a UK bank account that I havent used, so that is something if there is a real emergency (like a 'get out of the country quick' emergency)