Heartbroken ..no chance of second child

[BoRoni]

Hello ladies Im so confused and angry but most feel like my heart has been broken into pieces. We have an 8 year old boy and in the last 2 years I really wanted to try for a second. My husband was always jokeing that he does not want another but somehow fulishly I thought with time it will change. I have introduced the idea of ttc last year. We talked about it a lot and even though he was still not on board 100% he did see how important it is for me and we tried a few times .. obviously nothing happend so far. Today he happyly sent me an emial that he is traveling to Thailand that he organised for himself as work ... ( we did not travel there previously be cause of the possible zika virus which would mean that we cannot try for 6 months after leaving the country.) im 39 by the way so I can not wait 6 months.. he knows that too..
I guess my question: this is the end of the road for me right??
With this action he deceided that he do not want to have another baby with me..?

Not sure waht to tell him tonight..

😢😢😢

I wouldn’t say there’s NO chance of TTC. Being 39 doesn’t necessarily mean waiting six months will be the end of the road. However I would discuss it with him again because he doesn’t sound fully invested in TTC and you really do both need to be.

It's not your only/last chance...I had my one and only child at 42...however you need to have a really open an honest conversation with him re the chances of a second child. If he is resolute in his response, can you learn to accept? If not, are you prepared for the consequences?x

Thnak you for the messages!! Really nice to hear your point of views!!

After spending my workday in he toilet crying my eyes out I feel totally powerless.... if we talk about it tonight I am pretty sure he will say he never want to have a another child... and just the tought of that gives me physical pain...
I tried to avoid the conversation because I did not wanted to yapp all the time about it I hoped he will bring it up.

He has all the power to make it happen or not...

Im dreading tonight....

So your husband was always 'joking' he didn't want another... was that actually joking? As in, did he make a funny joke (can't think of one re not having another kid!) but among plenty of other comments throughout the years about wanting another child?

As I fear his 'joking' was his way of ensuring you knew his true feelings about another child but he was afraid/too cowardly to say it straight, and you played a part too as it sounds like you convinced yourself he was just kidding when actually if you'd listened and taken him seriously you'd have realised before now that he doesn't want more, joke or no joke.

Also you say the trip is re work, does he even have a choice about going? It may be out of his hands.

I think you know deep down another child isn't on the cards, it's hard to move past of course. But you can't make someone have a child they don't want for many reasons so the person who doesn't want a child always has to 'win' if you can't get onto the same page one way or another.

Well if he doesn’t want another child, you can’t make him so him travelling to Thailand makes no difference. You need to have a proper conversation with each other and then determine whether your relationship or the possibility of another child is more important to you. If it’s the child, then you should tell him.

It doesn't sound from your posts as though your DH has ever been on board with a second dc and that is a bigger issue than a six month break. You could try again after six months but only if your DH is really on board.
It's hard if you don't agree but you really need to before trying to have another dc.

For what is worth I have a young DS that doesn't sleep and it's been years now! I'm utterly exhausted and can't imagine wanting to go through that ever again. Maybe your DH is like me and doesn't cope with sleep depravation?

If deep down you know he doesn't want another then it is unfair to either pressure him or passively agressively make him mention it first in the hope you can wait him out.
Your relationship with your husband is important. In your position I would have that difficult conversation even if you don't like the answer and then you will have to decide what to do from there.

... and reading all your responses make me feel like what was I thinking??? You are all right .....I can not make him wanting another baby. It is me who have to accept it that it is a no go!
Not sure how though... life is so unfair!
The feeling to have another child is so strong that I could not even see the truth.. well now I can..

Thanks ladies

If having another child is really the most important thing to you then you can always do it on your own. A friend of mine had hers through ivf and is raising without a man involved. She’s extremely happy. You just need to decide what’s most important to you and be honest. It might be worth while seeing a counsellor to help you process all your thoughts and feelings

Well we talked...I needed to wait until we had a quite calm moment to bring our issues into conversation. Asking him if he thinks he ever want to try for a baby made me realised he hasno idea..."maybe"...after apologising for the past months pushing to conceive I told him I do not want to try for a second baby until he is onboard. And boy he was releved...He is happy..
Meanwhile Im bleeding inside..still I managed not to cry infont of him ..( I ll do that later on in the toilet) He can go wherever he wants ..everything is in his hands..

It doesn't seem like you are any further forward though? Maybe is no use to you. Does he now think you're waiting for him to let you know he's ready, or does he think you've decided between you that it's not happening?

I know it is a tiny progression.. but it was a HUGE deal for me to tell him I only want try next if he is happy to do it...which could be years .. taking me to my early 40s. This means he knows Im waiting on him ... and the pressure is off on his side..I don't know what else to do...

Stop being a martyr and have an honest conversation about what you want.

Hiding in toilets is doing you no favours.

Our conversation was honest I could not emphasise more how much a second child would mean to me so he knows that. And I know he idoes not want one now... apart from waiting And hoping he might change his mind I don't think there is anything I can do if I want to keep the unity of our family.. and I do!

If it were me, I don't think I could accept 'maybe'.

I'd want to have a definitive decision from him within the next x months. I couldn't live my life with a glimmer of hope, yet feeling that my family's future was in my OH's hands and out of my control.

I get what you're saying about wanting the family unit to stay intact, but you also need your mental well-being intact which could be jeopardised if you're living with 'maybe' while crying in secret and bleeding inside.

Thanks for your response Gazelda! I was thinking about the fact that Literally I gave him the power of decision impacting us as a family . I could not give him an exact time to decide ..and I know myself that I will ask him again before long.

It does not help that he has a very bad relationship with his sister and he thinks our son will have the same experience. As opposed to his I have a fantastic bond woth my brother...

I’m sorry. It’s crap isn’t it. We have decided to stop at 1 but that’s because of health reasons (and also there’s no guarantee IVF would work the second time at 42!). Everyone around me is having a 2nd it feels like. In the past week two friends have become pregnant with a third without trying at the wrong time of the month!

Thing is, I don’t think your husband is on board for a second one. Although plenty of people do have babies late (I had mine at 41). There is no point in waiting around when you’re late 30s.

Sorry, I’m not sure there is anything I can say to help. But I know you have talked but I think you need to keep talking about this (even get counselling) because essentially he has chosen for you. And you don’t want to get to a point where you resent him so much it kills your relationship.

Maybe talking more won’t change his opinion but I don’t think you can just leave it as it is. Does he really really realise how much you want a second?

Also if your oh is anything like mine, he will not be thinking about it over a given time period, so unless he is processing his thoughts and why he’s reluctant he won’t change his mind. It will be a case of - nope don’t want one. Give it no other thought. Then when the time limit you give him is up, he’ll suddenly think about it again and he won’t feel any different.

I’m not saying you should have another kid if he really doesn’t want to. But his reasons may not stand if he discusses them - eg his own family experiences may not be replicated.

The person who does not want to ttc will always have the final decision regardless of their sex, forcing someone to have a child they don't won't isn't okay.
It sounded from your update as though he was saying that he doesn't want a DC but isn't saying he never will. You maybe need to have a follow up conversation about what might turn a no to a yes and how likely that is to happen. Ask him if he is just saying maybe rather than no because he doesn't want to see you upset if he is straight with you. I second the poster suggesting counselling to help you manage this.