Is there anything I can do?

[coffeelaydee]

I'll try to keep this short.

My ex and I were together 16 years, 3 children. He was a bully, controlling and abusive towards me. I left him a few years ago.

The back history is too long to post here. But here is where we are at now.-

The kids see their dad every other weekend overnight as well as an overnight stay in the week. The mid week stay is relatively new but the children were happy with this.

He has never had their best interests at heart. He will buy them everything they want, let them stay up late all the time, they are continually using devices and he rarely takes them out for fresh air at the weekend.

From a a medical/health perspective, he is anti vaccination, feeds them junk 90 percent of the time (2 of the 3 children are extremely overweight), agrees to work with me to get them healthy but never does this (he tells the children - "his house his rules")

Despite some unforgivable ways he has behaved in the past, the kids still want to go there.

I've stopped contact before and he just turns up at the school. I've sought legal advice and was told that whilst all the above is far from ideal, it won't be enough to stop contact if it goes to court.

The latest thing is that the kids seem to get ill most times after staying with him midweek.

I'm at my wits end. Please advise!

Thanks

It really doesn't sound too bad.

If the children only see him every other weekend and once a week overnight, he's hardly entirely responsible for their weight.

Just run your house they way you like, and leave him to it. It won't do them any long term harm.

What illnesses are they getting after staying with him?

So they stay overnight three times per fortnight?

I don't think it sounds too bad either. I teach and see much worse parenting!

It's not ideal, and it's a different style to you, but the dc love him and want to go, and I doubt they will be corrupted by such little contact.

IME dc are easily able to differentiate between having different rules in different houses.

And at the end of the day, if he's not listening to you, there's not much you can do about it.

So he lets them spend 3 nights every fortnight playing on the ipad and eating junk food?

Might not be ideal but if that is all you are concerned about then I'm not sure I see that it is enough to want to stop contact?

Speak to school about their behaviour /health the days after df has had them. School may refer you to a dietician if they share your concerns , if df then won't stick to their suggestions see a solicitor.

Missed the bit abput being ill. Sorry. What sort of ill?

Also, without wanting to sound accusatory, if your children are generally being healthy, 6 days of eating junk over a month aren't going to be enough to make that much difference weight wise.

Thanks for your replies.

The kids were overweight before I left him. We are both to blame for it escalating. I didn't feel I had any control during our relationship (long back story involving domestic abuse).

However, regardless, I have taken my share of the blame and have been actively taking steps to help them loose weight. Unfortunately, yes they are getting bigger during the days he has them.

Is there really nothing I can do?!

Illnesses recently have been vomiting but it rarely lasts a full day.

School is aware but all they can do is take notes!

In what way are they ill after being with him though? To me that would be more concerning

Sorry crossed post!

They're vomiting after being with him midweek? But not after spending the weekend with him? How many times has that happened?

I can relate to your situation. Im sorry to say i dont think there is anything you can do. Sorry.

On the weekday that they stay, they are obviously waking up early to go to school. Whereas they are home with me on a Sunday after his weekend with them, giving me enough time to get them into bed at a reasonable time for school on the Monday.

I think that they may be getting ill midweek because they are eating junk, are up until early hours on devices and then waking early with minimal sleep.

Luckyme- it's happened 3 out of the 5 week days he has had them

My ex is similar, but there's not a lot I can do. I have realised lately that getting irate was just perpetuating the cycle whereby he winds me up and I feel victimised and angry. So I've decided to stop caring and just parent super well on the days I have my DC. I have almost 50/50 as well so it is very trying. I think at some point you have to let go of the idea that you can control their actions. You can't. Trying will drive you mad. x

They can't find vomiting the day after sleeping there much fun. How old are they? Are they missing school every week on that day?

How about a trip to an ice cream shop the day before they see df. If he is on the receiving end of vomit he may start to listen.

If they're vomiting in school the day after their mid week visit they're being sent home from school surely?

RhubarbTea

I agree with you. How did he get 50/50? If you dont mind me asking, this worries me.

How badly do you think his bad parenting affects your children?

How about a trip to an ice cream shop the day before they see df. If he is on the receiving end of vomit he may start to listen

I am surprised that anyone would think that using your children to make a point like this was a good idea.

But they must must enjoy the eating part or they can say no!!

Ferris- it affects the children's health and wellbeing. But you know with kids, they don't see it like that do they. They just see that at their Dad's, they can do and eat as they please.

I've tried to educate my kids on healthy choices, self care (remembering to brush teeth at their dad's without needing to be asked) - it falls on deaf ears. And while I appreciate that kids their ages (8,10,15) should be more than capable of this they clearly aren't doing it and he should be, well, parenting!

Wait - the 15 year old is happy to indulge to the point of vomiting the next day?

I was expecting them to be much younger

No, not the 15 year old!!!